In my other world…

It can be a dark place. I am ashamed to admit it even. It can get dark and cold.
Just found out today that two aquaintances are having baby boys in a few months, that makes 3 that I know of that will have boys in the next 3 months. I am ill with rage and jelousy. Mostly cause I know their baby’s will be just fine. We stillbirth momma’s, we are the exception, the outsiders, the few that stand alone, misunderstood and feared. 

The voice inside says " But I don’t want everyone else to be happy when I am so sad. I want a baby boy too. Why do I have to bear this cross alone"

I know it’s not all true. It’s the dark side that tells me it is. That is all.

It’s ok for stillbirth momma’s to have healthy baby’s, then I am just happy, so why then am I so damn upset when regular old people do what people have always done and reproduce. Easy Peesy.  Cause I used to be a happy and positive girl. Now I am different. Changed. Darker even, and really really pissed off.
I miss the old me alot. The me from before I knew how much the world could truly suck, or how much one human being could really suffer.

I also got my period today. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, in fact I have been avoiding it, so I wasn’t surprised, it’s just that every month since Evan it’s a reminder of everything I have lost. I miss him so deeply it’s painful. I dream about him all the time, his precious face. I hate that I am forgetting the details of how he looked, that looking at pictures of him is starting to feel like looking at a person I barely knew. I hate that I never held him at the hospital when I had the chance, I was just so traumatized. Now I can’t.

I will post something more optimistic this weekend. Now I am going to take my anti-depressant and cry myself to sleep.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on September 4, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I think I feel exactly like you do. Sometimes it feels like Abby wasn’t even mine…like it didn’t happen to me. Its a really weird feeling. I hate it. And about the baby thing too.

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