In my other world…
It can be a dark place. I am ashamed to admit it even. It can get dark and cold.
Just found out today that two aquaintances are having baby boys in a few months, that makes 3 that I know of that will have boys in the next 3 months. I am ill with rage and jelousy. Mostly cause I know their baby’s will be just fine. We stillbirth momma’s, we are the exception, the outsiders, the few that stand alone, misunderstood and feared.
The voice inside says " But I don’t want everyone else to be happy when I am so sad. I want a baby boy too. Why do I have to bear this cross alone"
I know it’s not all true. It’s the dark side that tells me it is. That is all.
It’s ok for stillbirth momma’s to have healthy baby’s, then I am just happy, so why then am I so damn upset when regular old people do what people have always done and reproduce. Easy Peesy. Cause I used to be a happy and positive girl. Now I am different. Changed. Darker even, and really really pissed off.
I miss the old me alot. The me from before I knew how much the world could truly suck, or how much one human being could really suffer.
I also got my period today. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, in fact I have been avoiding it, so I wasn’t surprised, it’s just that every month since Evan it’s a reminder of everything I have lost. I miss him so deeply it’s painful. I dream about him all the time, his precious face. I hate that I am forgetting the details of how he looked, that looking at pictures of him is starting to feel like looking at a person I barely knew. I hate that I never held him at the hospital when I had the chance, I was just so traumatized. Now I can’t.
I will post something more optimistic this weekend. Now I am going to take my anti-depressant and cry myself to sleep.