Why does she not get it???

I had to get mad at my mother yesterday. The man in her life’s eldest daughter, who is like 22, is due anytime with her first child. Mom keep’s mentioning it, oh her cervix is soft, the doctor says anyday now. Blah blah blah, you get the picture. Anyhow, yesterday she says to me, "Oh her water broke she is going to have that baby any time". I couldn’t stand hearing about it anymore, I said to her " Mom I really don’t care, I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want to know about it, it’s painful for me to hear you talk about her having a baby anytime, besides, there is no guarantee". Mom stopped and said " I am sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, but hun you have to get used to this, it’s going to keep happening." 

Excuse me-but I don’t have to get to used to anything, it’s my life that has been ruined. In my world-a healthy pregnancy and normal labour does not mean a living child. Period. I absolutly hate how everyone else, including my mom seem to disreguard this possibility. They just want to chalk it up to doing something wrong, or having a high risk pregnancy, or complications. I didn’t. In my case it was Russian Roulette. It was random, unforseen and unredictable. It happens. No one wants to stop and consider that until they experience it. Yet we all talk about SIDS. Stillbirth happens more the SIDS folks.

Just dosen’t seem to happen to crack heads and thief’s.
Bitter much?
Yes I am. This daughter about to birth the child was busted for shoplifting in her 39th week of pregnancy, and she has no reason to as she is spoiled and has full family support. She chain smokes and has never had a job. The baby’s dad is a drug dealer. They will make splendid parents.

Anyways, last week I was in diversity training, we had to do this exercise where we select from a variety of pictures-Who we would want as a neighbour, as a doctor and as a spouse for our children, if we had children. The facilitator was 38 weeks pregnant, the second one had a 6 year old child. The whole day was immensely painful for me. I teared up when asked who I would choose to marry my child. I wanted to yell-"No one can marry my child because my child died". When having babies is a societal norm, and you are a victim of stillbirth, you live your days feeling like a motherhood Pariah. Somedays I find exisiting to be difficult. Yesterday was one of those days when I found myself locked in my office crying after listening to my mother tell me I would have to "Get used" to hearing about other people have babies. The only babies being born I want to hear about are those of my stillbirth pariah friends. It hurts-It sucks-It’s real. Stillbirth is awful and I just wish it was not so damn taboo. Let’s all just stick our heads in the ground and play Ostrich.



About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on October 22, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. You know what kills me, mama?
    That – yes, it is sad, unfortunate, and INEVITABLE that we WILL get used to (hell, I’m pregnant and I still can’t hear/see that shit either, unless it’s another loss mama, you know?)
    BUT – shouldn’t our PARENTS and FRIENDS who love us and care for us, be more accepting and tolerant of our pain? More patient and understanding that it does NOT go away just because life continues for everyone else? Shouldn’t they be the ones to give us the extra space and time and be more thoughtful with their words?
    I’m sorry you got that reaction from you mom. Maybe you can try explaining to her that you can’t avoid the pain of losing Evan nor the pain of having to see other mothers with what you don’t have – but what you can get is compassion and sensitivity from your loved ones and that’s what you need from her. You are still grieving and still healing – we should be able to count on the support of our own mothers, especially.
    All my love to you lady. You’re not the only one battling Mom-demons or Babyloss-craziness these days ❤

  2. I know how you feel & understand completly. When I was pregnent with Logan there was another girl, Bethany, who was pregnent the same time I was,(she was a month ahead of me) & we worked together. She was with an abusive boyfriend, she smoke & used to do drugs & didn’t care much for her pregnecy. She already had two other childern both by diffrent men. >_< And since having her baby(whitch was a healthy baby girl named Hidei) she was fired for stealing when her family pays for everything.
    I, on the other hand, ate right, I dont’ smoke or drink or drugs, was very happy an excited to be a mother. I saw her the the other day shopping in Publix & she had her daughter Hidei with her, came over and was all happy & go lucky. I didn’t want to see her because her daughter is alive & healthy. And my baby boy is in the ground. (;_;) Logan was only a month behind her. So when she came over to me my mind imedeitly thought that if Logan was alive he would be this old or this big. I didn’t want to think about it. It made me tear up & I felt angry. I was at work & I didn’t need to feel that way.
    It’s not far that everyone that really wants a child & does everything right, something bad happens. And everyone who doesn’t give a shit, who smokes & drinks has healthy kids. I see it sooo much it just pisses me off. (>___<)

    • I think that is the worse. The lack of appreciation for the miracle that is a healthy child. When I see someone smoking, drinking whatever all big and pregnant, I just cry inside cause I just know chances are, their baby’s will be fine. My sister in law did crack for 6 months and has a perfect little daughter. Its just sad. Not that I would ever wish harm on Isabella my niece, but I just want Evan here too.

  3. I can see why you would be angry at your mother and not want to hear about this woman’s pregnancy, but I don’t think it is necessarily true to say that everyone disregards the possibility that something terrible can go wrong with a pregnancy/labour. If you read through my blog postings from last year, I had a new fear nearly every week. I was possibly all too aware that something could go wrong. And when I was in the hospital in labour, they put me in one of the high risk rooms because they were worried Abi’s heart rate on the monitor looked a little flat. I was convinced when they told me that that she wouldn’t make it. Fortunately, I was wrong. The thing is, for me, the awareness of potential problems is there, but allowing yourself to live in fear is, well, it’s no way to live. I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did, and my wish for you is that you find yourself able to hope again one day.
    Also, and please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope that nothing I post in my journal regarding my present pregnancy upsets you. If you would like me to put an lj-cut/warning in those posts, or create a filter of some sort, please feel free to let me know.
    Take care.

    • Oh sweety not at all. I am overjoyed for you and don’t need censors at all, don’t worry.
      I was just pissed, and moreso pissed at people who take it for granted. I know there are lots of mom’s who don’t take their babies for granted. I was just venting. It often feels like I am alone in this, even though I am not.
      It’s just that the norm is healthy baby, so those in the minority feel like we just don’t fit in anymore. I wish to that I could learn to not live in fear anymore, I have so much fear I had to take med’s to stop being so afraid of everything all the time. I don’t even know how that will work out when I have to stop them in pregnancy, which will ironically be the most stressful time in my life. Sigh!

  4. I understand all of this. I HATE it that people ASSUME that labor will go fine and they will have healthy LIVE babies. I was like that before Abby died though. I thought MOST babies are perfectly fine..never even though for a minute that it could happen to me or even anyone I knew. It sucks. I just wish more people realized that it DOES happen.
    And I HATE it when people smoke or do stupid things while pregnant ASSUMING that the baby will be fine. UGHfdwerfdhsfhwbv!!

    • I know. I was also blissfully ignorant before it happened to me. I had no idea the possibility existed. However, I am tiered of living in the shadows, a victim of that thing we don’t talk about. I am talking about it- it’s real, it happens. It happens everyday to unexpecting parents who had no reason to be concerned. Maybe as Darlingmiette says, it can save lives by making people more aware of their babies movements and well being.

      • yes yes definitely. Kick counts are important even if you don’t think you need to do them. I hate it when people post to the pregnant communities about babies not kicking and people telling them “oh he/she is probably sleeping”. I know with my next pregnancy I am going to be at the hospital VERY often because I won’t just wait out anything.

      • Thread hijack!
        Haha – I love you 🙂
        I’ve been having personal rants these last couple of days because of these SAME POSTS on the pregnant community!!! I feel like Crazy Stillbirth Lady for going off on these ignorant people saying, “YES 10 MOVEMENTS PER DAY IS FINE WHEN YOU’VE BEEN FEELING MORE!”
        I’m so glad I’m not the only one who sees this crap!
        I’m sorry about your Abby ❤

      • Re: Thread hijack!
        lol. I guess we can both be “crazy stillbirth lady” because I’ve been doing it too when I catch them. I don’t understand it really. If you are worried GO TO THE DOCTORS! Always better safe than sorry.
        Thank you.
        So sorry about your precious Julia and CONGRATS on the current pregnancy. Best wishes to you.

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