On friends and babies…
(Headnote: No one currently pregnant should in any way take offence to the following post-I have to get this stuff out, it’s not meant to make anyone feel guilty ot anything at all. I wish you all nothing but the best.)
Now that that is over with…It seems everyday I hear of someone else who pregnant. I got an email from one on my long time best friends who when I got pregnant with Evan was no were near ready to consider pregnancy, now a year later, she is pregnant.
Here is how I reponded to her news..after mulling it over all night, bawling, trying to sort my feelings out before responding…
"Well-I am truly happy for you and Jeff. It’s the age were at, I just turned 32, everyone is reproducing. Good luck with everything. That’s is the truth. Now as I am sure you expected, the seedy underbelly of my experience is that althrough I am so happy for everyone, really I am, I spend almost everyday crying, because I was pregnant first, I had the first grandchild in my family and the first great grandchild, but I feel like no one will remember when they have the next living breathing child in their arms. I am so despretly afraid my brother or one of cousins will have a child before I do and my steal the great honor I felt in having the first member of the next generation. Since I lost Evan I have lost count but at least 12 friends and close aquaintances have had perfect little living babies, I feel very alone and cursed, or in my own words the Pariah of Motherhood. The whole experience has destroyed me, shattered my self esteem, left me lonely and sad, and relying on anti-depressants to get through most days and sleep peacefully. Dave get’s upset at me and says "Let’s just have another then". I am not sure I can, going through another pregnancy is like my worse nightmare, Evan died in labor, 2 weeks after his due date, how am I ever supposed to relax and enjoy pregnancy again? I think it will make me insane. But on the flipside, watching everyone else have babies is making me crazy too, so I guess there is no win in this situation. If only I could get knocked out and wake up 9 months later, or maybe adopt a baby. I don’t know. I guess it will happen by accident if it does, then it’s outside my control, I stopped using birth control in June after all."
That’s not to harsh is it? She is a best friend, and I wanted to get across, simmilar to what I was trying to get across to my mother, that although I don’t wish harm on anyone, it is still very very hard for me to deal with. I am supposed to have a one year old, and to be looking forward to my friends and families offspring to come and play with Evan. Instead I sit and cry and watch their joy pass me by.
Somedays I wonder if I will ever have that. I know the odds of it are favorable, but it seems so sureal. Also-why me? Who decides which baby’s will live and which baby’s will die, and why am I the only in my direct but extended circle that had so much as a damn complication in pregnancy, I mean, everyone else is just coasting on through, healthy and happy, and I am talking ALOT of people here. It just makes me feel very alone. I am sure most stillbirth mom’s feel the same way. 10 months later and the tears can still come on so strong I hyperventilate and gag. Sadly-I know there is nothing anyone can do. The only single thing that can lighten my pain in having another child, so I suppose I have no choice but to face another pregnancy or I will be this depressed and bitter person forever.