A sad journal to follow!

i know my journal can be sad. depressing. all feeling sorry for myself.
I didn’t start this journal for any reason other then to be an outlet for my own need to whine, bitch, complain, laugh, joke and be me.
Sorry if it brings you down, it’s not my goal. I am ok. by the way. I am sad alot but I am ok.
Sadness is all I have left of Evan as I try to move on with my life without him in it. Its tough. It’s not all consuming, I do laugh and have fun in life, I do go to work and do all those normal things, I do enjoy life and good food. MMMM Sushi!
I just do it all with a shade of sad included.
So if I seem like a full time hopless pity party, that is not who I am, that is just how I feel sometimes.

I just say it like I say it to my mom-You really can’t get it unless you have been here, and those who have, just get it. Here is a quote from darlingmiette  that pretty much sums up what it like to be a stillbirth mama.

"It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. –Colette


About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 3, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. You don’t need to say sorry for what you write in your own journal. It’s an outlet, a way to communicate, somewhere to gather your thoughts. Especially during times when you might not have someone to say all of this to, you have this journal to say what you need to say to help you be you like you said. I think it’s female thing to sometimes feel guilty about getting our feelings out.
    I’m always reading and always thinking about you.
    You are a bright shining light even though you have gone through something incredibly difficult, your light still shines even through the sadness in your posts. You’re wonderful. *big hugs*

  2. If anyone is entitled to write sad, angry, venting posts, it’s you. Plus, it’s your journal, your space, not anyone else’s. I hope nothing I’ve said has made you feel the need to explain yourself/apologize.

    • Thanks, and no it’s you, no worries πŸ™‚ I just think maybe people don’t check in or read cause I am too depressing, I have lost friends since this all went down as they said I was too hard to be around. To depressing.

  3. I wish you didn’t feel the need to explain all of this. I completely understand all of your posts about grief and hurt from what has happened. No one else may understand that but don’t feel like you can’t even write what you feel in your own journal.

  4. I’m sending you a lot of love today. It’s not easy being the moms we are – without children. It is so so heartbreaking when our own mothers do not understand. Our situations with our mothers are different, but the fact that we have faced these tremendous, awful tragedies – and there are still insensitivities – is just so cruel.
    I wish we lived closer so we could get together and talk about our Julia and Evan once a week. I hate feeling like the only people who understand the importance of their lives are the people who have walked in our shoes.
    And I’m sorry you feel you need to explain the purpose of your journal. This grief is something we’ll be dealing with for the rest of our lives – people can’t understand even one YEAR? Give me a break.
    Hugs, mama ❀

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