That good kind of Stress.
My body, as a trauma survivor, sadly dosen’t know the differance between good stress and bad stress. The reason I agreed to go on anti-depressant’s in the first place was because of this, the smallest little stressor could send me over the top with panic, and I was panicking all the time and having panicky nightmares. I have since been slowly weaning myself off said anti-depressants to try and face and deal with things myself and also with the help of my friendly friend Rescue Remedy *Love*. I noticed the nightmares and self doubt are starting to come back already, but these are just things I have to learn to deal with, I can’t numb them forever. They are obviously still there, in my mind and the med’s are just numbing them or making them dormant. I don’t want to be on med’s for the rest of my life, and I know the thoughts and insecurities will still be there, waiting for me when I go off the med’s. So I choose to face these damn demons and survive. I have survived way way worse already and am still able to smile, so I will survive, I can do this. I will also go see a Naturopath for help with the anxiety and panic attacks, now that my benefits are kicking in I can do this the more natural way.
So the reason this post was inspired is that I have an amazing doctor. She is the lady that delivered Evan and I love her. She went over and above the call duty time and time again for me. When I thought my waters had broken due to excessive clear wet discharge and Dave was at work, I called her, she wasen’t even working that day, she drove to my house, picked me up and took me to her clinic after hours to do the microscope test thing to see if it’s aminiotic or not,( it was not) but I was 4cm dilated and ready to go into labor. She checked on the baby that night and all was fine, she said labor should start anytime, she sweeped my membranes, gave me some pregnancy safe narcotics to kill the sciatic pain and allow me to rest up for labour, then drove me home again. Evan died the next day somehow someway and I know she was as traumatized by that as much as I was. Probably dosen’t help that first thing I kept saying over and over was that the Tylenol 3’s killed my baby. (I had horrendous Sciatica for the last month, I couldn’t move, it was awful, I took regular Tylenol to it’s maximum allowable dose every day for a month, then in the end they upped it to T3’s when the regular stuff didn’t work anymore. I have since been told over and over that there is no way a baby would die from Tylenol or T3’s)
Anyhow, she just called me now. Just a check in call to see how I am doing, knowing that my due date with Evan is creeping up on us again (I was due December 8th) she wanted to check in and see if I was ok. She also asked where I stood currently on the subsequent pregnancy topic b/c she wanted to make a refferal for me to see a specialist at the hospital whom she loves and feel’s would best match my personality type and my need to ask lots of questions and to be part of the decision making process. She wants me to meet with her a few times before I am pregnant so we actually have some raport cause she know’s how stressed I will be in actual pregnancy. So she is putting in that refferal for me today and I will soon meet with this lady to discuss the whole "Let’s do this baby thing again, thing. " She also just wanted to know how Dave and I were doing in life as a whole and said I made her day with all the good news (i.e new good job, new house, baby pup) She has an amazing dog that I met several times and loved, so she know’s how much a dog can be healing. I just think I am so lucky to have such an amazing team of medical proffesionals on my side. I am a lucky gal.
Anyhow-I broke into tears during the conversation as I do anytime I talk to her about Evan. It just all comes flooding back, the prenantal care, her clinic and all it’s staff, the hospital, the days after delivery when she came in to check on me, spending Christmas in a hospital bed wishing I had died in labor too. I started to choke on anxiety, got a bit dizzy and finally, my finger’s went numb, like carpal tunnel numb. Now 15 minutes later they are fine again. How weird is that. I don’t know if it’s related to blood pressure or what. Strange. Anyhow-so even when it’s a good stressor, my body treats it as a threat and I go right into fight or flight mode instinctively. Then I start spraying Rescue Remedy on my tongue like it’s going out of style and doing the self talk thing. It works eventually. Ah being traumatize is just so lovely isn’t it?