It’s winter in Nova Scotia and other random things.
We got snow this week, it didn’t melt, it froze. It’s damn cold. They are calling for another 30cm of snow this weekend. NOOOOOOO! I am not a fan of winter folks. I am freezing.
In other news-Manhattan Ahoy! We are all booked, I will NOT have to work Christmas Eve and my wonderful co-workers stepped up to the plate to make sure I got the day off (thus re-ignitting my faith in humanity at least a bit 🙂 so NYC here we come. Hotel is booked and we bought tickets to the NYC Ballet to see the Nutcraker as well as tickets to go see Monty Pythons Spamalot. I want to see Chicago but whatever, you can’t have it all I guess. I am excited as this gives me something to look forward to now. Something to temporarily distract me.
Last night I went to my work Staff Appreciation Dinner, I took out my formal dressy winter jacket to wear. I put it on and felt something in the pocket. It was a giant wad of klennex. It all came rushing back, the last time I wore this jacket was to my sons funeral. Wow! these were funeral klennex. After we burried Evan I pretty much never left the house again til spring, basically. When I did I certainly never dressed up.
Sad! I remembered in one moment how despretly sad I was at Evan’s funeral last January and how much January through March were basically like a blur of depression and desperation. Truly the worst thing I have lived through, I have a very hard time remembering those days. I go there in bits and pieces and feel it again, I have to feel it in small chunks because it’s just way to painful to feel all at once. I have tried so hard to block it out completly but wouldn’t ya know it, it just won’t go away 🙂
More nightmares last night, all about how deeply insecure I am really, and how much I truly deep down feel worthless. Sad, I try to pretend I am confident and worthy, then my subconscious tells me otherwise while I am asleep. That was the nicest part of the Celexa, the lack of nightmares and self doubt. I refuse to surpress these things with drugs, they have to be delt with, Period.