It’s winter in Nova Scotia and other random things.

We got snow this week, it didn’t melt, it froze. It’s damn cold. They are calling for another 30cm of snow this weekend. NOOOOOOO! I am not a fan of winter folks. I am freezing.

In other news-Manhattan Ahoy! We are all booked, I will NOT have to work Christmas Eve and my wonderful co-workers stepped up to the plate to make sure I got the day off (thus re-ignitting my faith in humanity at least a bit 🙂 so NYC here we come. Hotel is booked and we bought tickets to the NYC Ballet to see the Nutcraker as well as tickets to go see Monty Pythons Spamalot. I want to see Chicago but whatever, you can’t have it all I guess. I am excited as this gives me something to look forward to now. Something to temporarily distract me.

Last night I went to my work Staff Appreciation Dinner, I took out my formal dressy winter jacket to wear. I put it on and felt something in the pocket. It was a giant wad of klennex. It all came rushing back, the last time I wore this jacket was to my sons funeral. Wow! these were funeral klennex. After we burried Evan I pretty much never left the house again til spring, basically. When I did I certainly never dressed up.
Sad! I remembered in one moment how despretly sad I was at Evan’s funeral last January and how much January through March were basically like a blur of depression and desperation. Truly the worst thing I have lived through, I have a very hard time remembering those days. I go there in bits and pieces and feel it again, I have to feel it in small chunks because it’s just way to painful to feel all at once. I have tried so hard to block it out completly but wouldn’t ya know it, it just won’t go away 🙂

More nightmares last night, all about how deeply insecure I am really, and how much I truly deep down feel worthless. Sad, I try to pretend I am confident and worthy, then my subconscious tells me otherwise while I am asleep. That was the nicest part of the Celexa, the lack of nightmares and self doubt. I refuse to surpress these things with drugs, they have to be delt with, Period.


About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 21, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Schiese, you moved to Nova Scotia? ZOMG, the winter there would KILL me!
    Nightmares suck. I used to have them really bad (leftover from my shitty childhood and then PTSD from getting held hostage at work in my early 20s), they’ve gotten better over the years.

    • Ya are PTSD related as well. I have great hope they will get better. Also winter here in NS is warmer then To. only more snow.

      • I didn’t do any therapy for my PTSD (other than the group session provided by my workplace) I so should have (it would have been provided). I am unfortunately very independent and (too) self-reliant. I felt I could handle it.
        But, it did indeed get better, after awhile. I stopped having flashbacks and the nightmares are almost totally gone.
        Time heals a lot… but it won’t ever take away your memories of your son!

      • Really, NS is warmer? I’m amazed! TO is pretty warm, for ON.
        I get cold when it’s 16c/ 60f!!!!!!! I totally hate the cold!

      • I hate the cold too, and ya I like 20c really, but it was windy in Toronto, and dry cold. Here it is a humid cold so it dosen’t feel as cold. Today it’s 0c.

      • Oh the wind is TO is AWFUL! We lived at Jarvis and Wellsley at one point and the wind coming down the corridor from those tall buildings was awful! When we moved to High Park, it was better. No big buildings to channel that wind…
        I like humidity, too.

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