I have not cried this much since the weeks after Evan’s death.
My heart is just shattered. I know she dosent have Evan but I feel like she get’s my dream.
I just bawled so hard I threw up, I haven’t done that in forever.
I just can’t stop the tears, I am a mess today, this hurts deeper then I could have ever imagined.
I am thankful I have Oliver who is deeply concerned with my loud wailing, at least I feel a little less alone with him here.
I need therapy stat, I feel likeI am going mad with grief and crazy fast intrusive thoughts. I need rescue remedy and chocolate and wine.
I need a should to cry on, a real like person to cry to, luckily the stillbirth mom’s group was good enough to let me bawl in starbucks last night. Today it’s worse, it’s had time to sink in.
1 dead baby boy for us last Christmas
1 living baby boy for Dave’s sister this Christmas.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 28, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. aww sweetie 😦 *big, gigantic hugs*
    I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. Soon it will happen for you, too. You’ll see. I know that doesn’t help at all, I am just very bad at saying things that help.

  2. *soft hugs* I wish so bad I could take your pain away. Hang in there dearest.

  3. Oh, I feel for you so much today. As if it wasn’t already enough, life threw salt in the wound.
    When my husband’s best friend and his wife had a baby girl weeks after ours died, I think I spent three days in bed. I was hysterical. I can’t imagine having that amplified with the holidays and having be in the immediate family.
    I’m just so, so sorry.

  4. ((((((((((((((((((((morehugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
    Is there someone you could call up and meet for lunch? One of the mamas from last night, maybe? I agree that a real life person would be more helpful…
    Sending you love.

    • Thanks. Its cold and raining and I don’t want to go out now, Dave is at work with the car, but I will go out tonight to a friends for dinner, I am on MSN with her, met her at the support group and she is like a best friend now. I will bring a large bottle of wine.

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