The question of fairness and balance…

It has been a long 24 hours since the news of Dave’s sister came and we have both cried alot and I am bitter, and unapologetic. Why should I apologize for being angry with how we received the news and for being heartbroken that  she now has the opportunity we lost. I feel like she get’s Evan. I know it’s ridiculous and not at all true. But she brings home a live a baby boy one year after her brother’s died.

I hate to get back into the holier  than thou discussion- but seriously, if you haven’t been following my comments re: Dave’s sister over the years then I will summarize:

Sarah is an adopted little sister, she was taken away from her mother, she was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, however, aside from bad health as an infant and impulse control, there are no other obvious side effects. However, because she has fetal alcohol, every single time she is an evil bitch, which used to happen a lot, Dave’s mom would say, oh it’s not her fault, it’s the FAS…..
Skip ahead past a bumpy childhood of Sarah being spoiled rotten and Dave always feeling like second child….Skip past the part were Dave resented his sister so much he seriously plotted her death when he was 14, then felt bad and fesses up.  Let’s move into adolescence. Sarah runs away from her "Very good, treat her like a princess  and spoil her rotten" home to become an underage stripper and do a lot of coke. Here she meets a married man who cheats on his wife with her. She introduces him to coke, they do a lot of coke  together and screw often behind his wife’s back. His wife one day finds out and leaves him. He keeps dating the stripper. They get an apartment together and take up cooking coke and turning it into crack because the high is better and it goes further. The girl says she wants to go to school, mom gives her 10k to go to school, the she does actually complete this time, last time she dropped out just after the point where you couldn’t get your money back. However, she doesn’t find work in the industry, they ask me to help since I am an employment counselor, but she doesn’t really try very hard or follow much of my advice before giving up because she is so used to things just falling into her lap, she doesn’t like having to work for things. Then she gets pregnant, and we all know you can’t look for work when you’re pregnant right….

Skip a couple of months; we are getting married, the biggest day of our lives, aside from when we lost Evan. She is being a total bitch, mood swings ect…She actually says to me as I watch people setting up the reception, "Must be nice to just sit on your ass and give orders"…See I couldn’t set up cause I had had bridal Mendhi, aka Henna, done on my hands, front and back and it was drying. Everyone loved the henna and kept complimenting it, which meant I got attention that Sara couldn’t stand, and she says to me " If I have to hear one more thing about your fucking henna I am going to puke"….no I kid you not. Later that day, my mom was sitting outside with Sara’s husband Sam, having a glass of wine and chatting, and laughing, I guess Sara got jealous cause my mom and Sam were getting along so well, so she looked at my mom who was giggling and said "ha ha ha have another fucking drink Leona"…my mom was flabbergasted as she didn’t know Sara and was just in town for the wedding. Ok….morning of the wedding..Sarah is my makeup artist, Dave’s mom made it clear that I should let my sister in law do my makeup; since she really is good at it I was fine with that idea. Minus the fact that she is unreliable. She was late, like hours late. I couldn’t put my dress on until my makeup was done, the photographer was there waiting…We ended up being two hours late for the wedding because she was strung out after her big night out to unload some of the stresses of my wedding. Did I mention she was pregnant with her daughter at this point? So at the reception,  Sara and Dave’s mom are greeting people as they come in, Donna is showing off her pretty pregnant daughter to all her friends and family. At one point…seriously…someone asked Dave if we were going to have children soon, and Dave’s mom actually butted in and said, no but my daughter Sara over here is pregnant…(She neglected to mention, and she is using crack cocaine often)…The next morning at our after wedding brunch, Dave’s mom paid for Sam and Sara’s breakfast, we paid for our own. No one offered. I mean we have jobs right? Then we jet off to NB for a reception for my Maritimes relatives. Fun was had by all, but I kept getting "Isn’t Dave’s sister pregnant?" They asked this because she was drinking all night and smoking pot outside in the parking lot with my brother. My brother later told me she asked him to help her find some coke…….

6 months pass, Sara checks herself into rehab big and pregnant to stop the coke. 3 months pass, she has a perfect, full term living daughter. Now, 2 years later, Sara often leaves her daughter at her biological mother’s house, the same women who gave her FAS, the same women who when they first met when Sara was 18 shared a box of wine and a joint with her new found daughter. The same woman who is still an alcoholic. During this current subsequent pregnancy, she left her daughter with this women for a week, cause she needed a break. I cried because at this point Evan has already died. I had more break then I ever imagined wanting.

Yesterday-after all this bullshit, she had a second healthy child, a baby boy. Dave was shattered, in fact he could barely bring himself to talk to her last night and say congrats. I could just feel the pain dripping out of his pores. Life has been so so so unfair to this boy my heart just breaks at the thought, and he has done everything he can to keep his life on the straight and narrow and keeps getting shot down over and over. It breaks my heart. It truly breaks my heart.

Now can someone tell me..why? why does this keep happening? What does the universe have against us?


About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 28, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I know exactualy how you feel.
    Sometimes I just wanna go do the worst things because being good doesn’t seem to do much good. >_<

  2. I’m amazed at how much we have in common, J. That sounds so much like John’s sister. She had her baby boy a few weeks after Julia died, after months of her doctor “busting her ass” because her baby’s heart was decelerating and smoking half a pack a day.
    I grieved anew, to use ‘s term, the day he told me the baby was born alive and screaming.
    I am just so sorry and so so so so so glad you aren’t spending Christmas with family and instead spending time away with Dave to remember your boy and be able to escape a bit.
    ❤ ❤

    • Its been rough, I feel like I am greiving anew, my heart hurts so much it’s excruciating, I feel like pulling my hair out. I haven’t cried so hard in…well a year.

      • As though this time of year wouldn’t be hard enough on you without his sister having a little boy…
        Im so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself and indulge in a glass of wine or six, and definitely a big box of fine chocolates.

      • Thank you thank you thank you…
        That’s just it right, I am having traumatic flashbacks all over the place here, the snow and winter is pulling up tons of lost or repressed memories, then this, I didn’t need this, not now. I know I cant control the world, I know the world dosen’t revolve around me, all I want is a break from the sorrow. I mean really. I just want one event in my life to unfold easily. Ok well I guess my relationship with Dave did, he is the only thing in my life that was easy. I don’t care if it builds charecter, I have enough damn it.

  3. Good Lord, that’s horrendous!
    Life just is. Fucked up as that may be, I don’t believe in a G-d who could do this on purpose, but nor do I believe in complete randomness… I think we aren’t able to see the true picture (the really really big picture) because it is WAY beyond our capability. But, we know what is right now and that is where we have to be. Acceptance of what is (hard and fucked up though it might be) is what keeps us from overwhelming ourselves with extra additional suffering (on top of the what is happening suffering/ pain).
    She does not have your Evan. He is still with you and will always be with you (as an angel, as a memory, as a blessing… whatever word you give him, he is still yours.) Nothing ANYONE else does can take away the time you had with him inside you, and even when things are really rough and you wish you could take away the pain of having him born still, nothing anyone does can take that away, either, mama. He is ALWAYS yours.

    • All of my religous beleifs for years upon years surrounded Karma and karmic repurcussion. This past year every beleif I have ever held has been challenged and I left with a big empty space and a question mark.
      Why? How? Who decides who get’s more suffering then others, why does it seem to stick to some people like glue when they are such despretly good people. I am just tiered of being fucked basically.
      I know logically Evan is not with her, I am just talking out my sorrow filled ass. I still feel his here, I am just overwhelmed with despair this morning.

      • Totally grok that, sweetie. Just trying to cheer you up a little…
        Karma only works so far, imo.
        Have you ever read “When bad things happen to good people” (not why, how… there are no answers, only help to try to heal. the author lost a child who was a teen/ young adult.)

      • Ya I read it and I liked it.
        It’s so much easier said then done though to get there. I try, most days I succeed, then something happens and I am sent back back back.

      • Of course. That’s why it’s a process. Today, you’re grieving anew.

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