A girlfriend of mine Colleen emailed to say that as she read through the Twilight series, she though of us while reading these words. I have to say that is a very accurate description of what it it’s like to live through the death of your child and try to maintain some semblance of normality.

From pg 118 of New Moon the 2nd book in the Twilight saga written by Stephenie Meyer….

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.  Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing.  My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold.  I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together.  I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
     And yet, I found I could survive.  I was alert, I felt the pain, the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head – but it was manageable.  I could live through it .  It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it."

I am becoming strong enough to bear it, and most days I can pull it off, but it’s not that the pain has weakened, it is still strong as ever, we just learned to co-habitate this pain and me. Until life event’s come along and blow a new hole clear through my heart again, tearing the sheer protective coating that had begun to form.

Unlike my family appears  to think, I am not lossing my mind, I am greiving, like any parent should, the death of my child. You should not be worried. In fact, if I were not grieving…if I were just pretending like it’s no big deal, that is when concern would be truly valid.

Love you Colleen, Love you for getting it, for REALLY getting it. We will get better, times will get easier, we will have other babies and tell them about their little brother, for now we just time to be miserable and miss him horribly.


About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 1, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Colleen
    I love you too.
    And I say be miserable and cry and scream and rant to the people who deserve to be ranted at, and just do what you need to do to get through for as long as it takes. You aren’t on a timer, there is no rush there is no time-line. F*ck your friends and any family who don’t get it, Your friends who DO get it will be here to listen and to reassure you that you are not crazy (I do think you are dealing with some INSANE shit but you, you are not insane)
    And we, your friends, do Love you … regardless if we are able to say the right thing at the right time, or not even close to the right thing. I’m glad you can see that we try. I’m glad our love is getting through to you…

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