Friendship in touch times…

Don’t know if anyone remember’s when I posted a few month’s back about a long time friend who had decided she needed to distance herself from me due to me being depressing and making her want to drink…
Anyhow we have exchanged some interesting dialogue this week and I wanted to pass it on and see what everyone thinks.

Here is her email
Your house looks super cute, I’m so happy for you guys! I’m glad you finally have that change of venue that I think you so sorely needed, I can’t even imagine how hard having that spare room in your old apartment was for both of you. As for xmas, it was my instinct to leave you be anyways. None of us can know the pain of that anniversary except you two and i’m glad your going to spend it on your own terms.
I want to take this opportunity to say that I’m sorry for not being there over the last few months, I have this habit of getting in my own way, when I don’t know how to deal with something I tend to go down the avoidance path (i’m sure this is pretty clear at this point). I wanted to apologize for not being stronger. It hurts my heart to think about and also see you guys dealing with this and it started to overwhelm me. It feels selfish for me to say that knowing you both do not have a choice when it comes to dealing with this. I guess I just want you to know that I do think of you often and hope that things are mending at least a little though i’m sure your happy new little furball is a wonderful distraction.

I wanted to respond, I felt it was important that she know how much her actions hurt me and my counsellor is always telling to speak up and stop trying to protect everyone’s feelings. 
Wanted to wait a while to process and think about what I wanted to say about that.
Actually, moving did little surrounding the healing, as much as we were excited about the house, it was very very hard moving all of Evan’s stuff into the basement of our house and having to see it there everyday, unable to use it, or get rid of it. We were doing better but this weather had triggered allot of memories and flashbacks of this time last year and it’s been hard, I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the snow is triggering that after it had been calm for a few months. Was taking med’s, felt they made little to no difference and the only thing that really helped was talking about it, and finding a way to integrate it into my new reality, the new person I am now because of it, as opposed to trying to find my way back to the old me who just doesn’t exist anymore. Same for Dave, only his grieving came later and has hit hard this winter so he is struggling through some hefty depression at this stage but managing pretty well considering.
The past week was horrible, Dave’s sister got pregnant basically right after Evan died and just had a baby boy last week, everything worked out just as it should and always does for her, the world has a way of unrolling itself at Sara’s feet to make way for her to live the easy life. It hit home pretty hard for us both and cause some conflict in his family when his stupid mother couldn’t understand how sending us pictures of her ‘perfect new grandson that she was so proud of and was bringing her such wonderful christmas joy’ and how calling all happy in an upbeat voice and saying "Sara just a baby boy, your an uncle" hurt Dave deeply, he even called her back at a later time to try and explain, which seems pretty damn obvious to me, that although we didn’t wish Sara and the baby harm of course, we couldn’t deal with this right now as Christmas is hard enough already. She actually got offended when I said being at her house on Christmas with Sara’s new tiny baby is the least healthy place I could be on Christmas day when she expressed disappointment we didn’t want to come meet our newest family member…I suppose I was supposed to put on a happy face and not pretend that despite my and perhaps even because of 🙂 "not" using crack in pregnancy, my child died last Christmas. Sigh!
I think that is what it all boils down to is that our life was shattered, torn apart, I spent 17 hours on Christmas eve in labor with my first born child having to find the strength to push him out, knowing full well, he would never take a breath, that can damage a person, and has damaged 2 people.
Now in terms of us not speaking much- I think that I realised that I needed to re-evaluate my support network when I found myself alone, isolated in a city with no friends or family, desperately depressed on a really bad and lonely day, asking my only local friend to come outside for a walk so I wouldn’t have to stay inside staring at the same 4 walls all day, and the answer came back that you had to clean your apartment, and so I asked if I could come over and help, cause let’s face it, when your that depressed, anything is better the sitting home alone. To that I got no answer at all….When I finally got the hint that I was not wanted, I just said, Ok I guess I will go find something to eat, and you just said ok. Then a couple of months later comes the real answer-I was hard to be around, we were depressing and negative and made you want to drink. That was the day that I knew for sure that this friendship was just a superficial one. I didn’t turn on you or hate you for not being able to be there for me, or not liking the shell shocked person I had become. I just accepted it for what it was and moved on. Sure it’s hard to understand what to do, and hard to deal with, but real friendship is strong in good times and bad, and especially in bad cause let’s face it, in good times, friendship is easy. This is the first time in the (11? years) of friendship we had when I really needed you I was alone in a new city and had no one else to turn to and you couldn’t be there. That alone spoke volumes and I realized I needed to get out and meet more people. I have been blessed since then to have found a life full of new good friends and a handful of parents who have lost children and are comfortable with the horror that results from it.
Anyways- it needed to be said so I supposed it’s best it was. This is completely aside from the men in our lives, as they are both new additions and really have nothing to do with, or shouldn’t, you and I as we go back way further then that, and our friendship existed long before them. Please don’t feel you need to rebuttal, this is just how I feel and am not trying to illicit a defensive reaction or anything like that. You said ‘this is what I do when I don’t know how to deal’ and I am simply saying ‘being aware that that is the case, and how badly I was hurting, your choice to not try and understand by even just talking about until now speak volumes on the importance on my role in your life, and that means it’s of minimal importance, and that is fine of course. It’s your life to live and your choice to make.
I have no angry feeling, I have simply moved on, I still consider you a friend, just not to the same degree as I once thought we were, maybe someday down the road when you have a child and can comprehend the intensity that comes with the mere concept of their death, then maybe things will change. Until then, I was just keeping things superficial, no need to argue or annoy each other after all. 



About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 1, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I think the letter was crystal clear and written in a very gentle, but honest manner.
    I really appreciate that you’ve kept me (and I know many of the ddc members) on your friends list. I rarely comment, sometimes because I am not a bigger commenter, but mostly because I am one of those people who just doesn’t know what to say. I do read every entry though. You’ve really opened my eyes and taught me a lot.

    • Hey! Glad to hear that my sorrow could bring some good in terms of helping people to understand. I appreciate the feedback. Also I didn’t want to go around just deleting people willy nilly simply because they had living babies, I mean I would be hurt if it were the other way around, besides some of my best supporters were people from the DDC group and I followed along with them through pregnancy and until 42 weeks when Evan was born.
      Take Care.

  2. Wow mama kudos to you for getting that out and being so raw and honest. Like you said, once she has a child and realizes just the mere concept of imagining losing that child then she will understand.

  3. She sounds sincere in her apology, but part of me is thinking, “too little, too late” cos when you needed her the most, she wasn’t there.
    I think what you say about friendship is so true — true friendship means going above and beyond your own comfort level when someone else is experiencing tragedy and not even noticing, because that’s what you DO for friends.
    Still remember the day I read your entry about what she said about you being depressing and not fun anymore — it broke my heart and made me want to find her and stab her. How could anyone expect ANYTHING of you for at LEAST a year after Evan died? That’s the time for them to be there for YOU, not the other way around!
    So I’m glad she apologized, but I am even gladder you didn’t let anything go unsaid. Forgive me if it comes out like Im being condescending, but as a fellow loss mama, I feel so proud of you and how you’ve been able to express yourself so articulately and honestly lately. I know it’s so important to your healing and getting through PTSD moments, but it also serves as a reminder to rest of us to stop trying to protect people’s feelings at the price of our own.
    Lots of hugs tonight, and sorry for the essay!
    ❤ ❤ ❤
    And give Ollie a big smooch for me, too.

  4. I think it’s good you’re saying what you feel and aren’t holding it in anymore.
    At least your friend apologized. Yes, it was crappy of her just to say mean things, walk away and leave you when you needed the support, but she seems to realize “hey, i was a jackass” and at least acknowledged that. I’m not saying to forgive her or that i see it her way or anything like that… just saying she/it could be worse.

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