At This Time Last Year Catch Up

December 10th-21st, 2007 ……

December 10th, 2007
You wont even fucking believe this.I love the Christmas spirit of people, we are the third car break in I know of this month. Last night while we were sleeping someone broke into our SUV and stole about 4000$ worth of Dave’s tools. We were insured so we will be covered, but nonetheless, we have a 500$ deductible. Nice! Oh hi! Yes we have no money cause I am on Mat leave and wont be getting EI till after Christmas, which will then be 55% of my shitty prior income, I am going to have a baby any time now, can someone please rob us of the only livelihood we have to make ends meet, my husbands tools, he is only a self employed carpenter after all.. FUCK. I hate people. Our car was parked right under our window and the window was even open a crack. We live on the first floor, like how the hell.

I love that while I was struggling to sleep though painful contractions, someone managed to break into our vehicle right under my nose and steal everything. Fate can be cruel sometimes. Is there anything the fates would like to throw at us? Here we were scavanging to find money so I could get accunpucture to deal with my chronic excruciating hip pain as the midwife suggested, and instead of finding money somewhere for that we lost money.

December 11th, 2007
Today is my due date…I am pretty positive I am not having this baby today. Too bad.
Saw the midwife today, my BP was down again, thank goodness, I was worried about it after yesterday’s stressful day. She did another cervix check and said it had changed alot in a week again, I am 50% effaced now, 1-2cm dilated with a very soft cervix. I found the cervix check hurt a lot less today then the last 2 times and no blood as of yet, so I am thinking as my body get’s closer to labor the cervix is less painful or sensitive, which is good. She told me that would happen that as I progress cervix checks would hurt less due to it being more relaxed. She said baby is low she could feel his head through the vaginal walls, so its all good, my body is doing part of the work before labor so things will progress better when it is time. Good to hear.
My hip is so soar today I can’t walk at all now. It was bad the midwife, she said there is nothing much I can do but wait, otherwise see and Osteopath, which as I already said I seriously can’t afford. This pain is brutal, if you have ever experienced nerve pain then you will get the lightning description when I say its like lightning up and down from knee to hip, if you haven’t experienced nerve pain, well lucky you, its horrible. I am an active person who can’t stand just sitting still, so this is driving me nuts…………
Midwife gave some books to read in hopes of convincing to sit still a while.
I just want him to be born now. I know, join the club. heheh. I am happy he is thriving.
I told my friend he needs to re-examine the blue prints and plan his exit strategy ASAP.

December 12th, 2007
Mr is still in there.
He is a stubborn one but I knew that all along when he was not big on cooperation with the prenatal tests haha.
I have decided to STOP reading into every twinge b/c they can mean nothing in terms of when he actually sends the mojo vibes to my uterus saying ok let’s go….After I have been sure labor was starting all week, but I just get regular ongoing contractions all night that stop by day??
Once again reinforcing there really is no pregnancy ‘norm’.
Well that’s all for today, what more is there to say at this point. He will come when it is the right time and I am ok with that really, it would just be mightly easier if I were not in excruciating pain is all. Damn hip.

December 13th, 2007
Ok I know I said I lost my mucus plug last week, well it was a tiny bit cause Tonight, at 40w 2 days, I lost a LOT of bloody mucus just now. Like globs of it, so chances are my labor is around the corner, I mean it was close anyways, but I take this as a good sign.
Kinda feel nervous haha. Here’s hoping. To be honest, at this stage it would be better if he came Saturday, as husband has a very good paying job lined up for tomorrow, and we need the money, but we have no say in this one, and I have been joking about him coming at the least conveniant time for us. πŸ™‚

December 14th, 2007
Still no baby, Dave is working all day, I can’t leave the house due to my excruciating disabling hip, so I sit, and I read, and I surf.
We don’t have cable, well we have 10 channels but its always just the news..I guess I could watch movies.
So there actually is such a thing as to much down time, wow I am bored. Bored bored bored. So bored.

December 16th, 2007
Ya that’s right, I am still pregnant. Hey ces la vie!
Soon this child will be born and when he is big I will tell him how hard it was waiting for him to make his grand exit.
There is a snow storm brewing here, its just starting to snow heavy now, how much ya wanna bet I go into labor when my midwife has a brutal time getting here…just to keep along the stubborness pattern this child of mine has been establishing to date..

December 17th, 2007
Tomorrow I will be 41 weeks. Which means I have to somehow haul my ass out another prenatal appointment since this child has decided not to be born. I am at the stage now where I actually resent these appointment as its a pain to get to them, literally, I am in pain, and as far as I can see they are useless. What, so I can be told, oh wow your cervix has changed a lot, you have effaced, it could happen anytime now…I have been hearing that 3 weeks now and I am in the same place. I had a bloody show 2x in the past week and yet here I am pregnant still. I think they are a waste of time, I have realized lately that people go from 0 dilated to having a baby in 6 hours and others walk around at 3cm for weeks, so again I say, what is the point of checking.

I am in a bad mood, and I am trying so hard not to be, I keep thinking about Masaru Emoto and his messages in water work.
A great study that shows how the structure of water will change and adapt to the thought and emotion we direct into it, thus, being that we are made up of mostly water, how easily we can effect our own bodies with negative or positive thought.
Baby is surrounded by water in there, I don’t want him to be surrounded by negative energy all the time, and I try really hard, but every morning when I wake up still pregnant feeling no signs of labor hanging around at all anymore I get really upset, I get bitchy and snappy with my husband and I just want to cry, I often do. I know its only 6 days overdue, but it feels like a lifetime.

It feels like a lifetime because I am living each day housebound with excruciating pelvic nerve pain. I mean it, I can’t walk for more then 2 minute intervals without tears and teeth chattering. I have been through 100 Extra Strength Tylenol in 2 weeks just to be able to sleep/sit around the house without dire pain. Still can’t walk or the Tylenol ceases to work. I am an extrovert by nature, which means I thrive on interaction with people, I am normally a busy busy person, social worker with a full caseload by trade. Now I am off work on Maternity leave, home alone all day, wasting my mat leave days baby free, I left work 4 weeks ago Friday thinking that baby would be here by now, what was the point, now I am going outta my mind sitting here staring at the walls. My husband still has to get up and go to work each day leaving me home alone again ALL DAY which never ceases to make me cry, cause I know what I am facing again. Unable to manage even a simple stroll to the grocery store as the pain is unbearable. Again the Dr. and Midwife have said b/c its nerve pain and was caused by the baby dropping down, the only real solution is birth, something i have no control over…Massage and heat do nothing at all, I try to move him, but I am 5’2 and he is squeezed in there tight, there really is nowhere to move. I am an uncomfortable painful mess of grumpiness, and trying not to project this on my child, whom I am sure has his reasons for being late.

Did I mention I was charting when I got pregnant, this means I know the day I conceived, there is no mix up in dates, he really is a week late. If he doesn’t come soon I am also going to miss Christmas, spending it here alone with baby, no decorations and no family, I am 3 hours from my family and we had intended to go home, thinking he would be here by now, they can’t all come here, they all have their own family’s, plus my mom put a lot of work into Christmas eve dinner and decorating a big tree. Christmas is very important to me as its the only time of year I get to see all my family at once, they all come together from neighboring towns and have a great night together, otherwise I never get to see most of them. I know in my heart on Christmas eve if I am lying here alone with no turkey and decorations and no family, just feeding and holding my baby, I will be resentful and depressed, I am only human, some babies come at 38 weeks, why do I have to be the one who’s baby comes at 42?

Yes I may be irrational, and I should be thankful, and all of that jazz, my logical mind knows this, my pregnancy mind however is struggling with cabin fever and depression right now. The pain doesn’t help. So now I am going to go have a bath and meditate once again on birth hoping he get’s the message, however, I have been doing this daily for 3 weeks to no avail, along with (in the last 2 weeks) every natural induction method known to man…So if I seem a little pessimistic at least I know why. Its morning and mornings are always the hardest on me, so I will get less down as the day progresses.

Yup! Having a car run over my foot over and over would probably hurt much less then my hip hurts right now.
I can’t put into words the intensity of this pain. Best description, having a giant needle stabbed over and over again deep into your thigh and hip bone. I have a high pain threshold, this is retarded, heat and tylenol is not helping today at all. I just painstakenly did the dishes, yes, standing still at the sink is that excruciating. How much longer will I have to live like this and I am terrified it wont clear up when baby is born, how will I pick him up…

RE: RECENT CORRESPONDENCE

December 17th 2007

Dear Mummy, (herein referred to as The Owner)

I am writing to inform you that I will not be able to vacate the property located within the middle section of Your Body as noted in our contract dated March 22 2007. Under the aforementioned contract, it was anticipated that the lease period would end on December 11th, 2007. For various personal reasons I have not been able to achieve that date for vacating. Under Section 3 of the Tenants Rights Act, I wish to invoke Clause 5.1 which allows the tenant an additional 14 days tenancy with no ramifications or penalties due.
In accordance with the original lease, the premises will be left in good condition. I reserve the right to take with me various fixtures – namely the kitchen (herein referred to as The Placenta) and associated plumbing installed at my expense. All walls will be made good. In return I leave the premises clean and all floors will be steam cleaned prior to departure. I leave also any renovation works carried out by myself , including any additional rooms (inclusive of deck and jacuzzi).
 

Yours faithfully,
The Wriggler 
  

December 17th, 2007

Dear Wriggler, (herein referred to as The Squatter)
We acknowledge receipt of your correspondence dated December 17th, 2007 and wish to inform you of the Owners intention to take the property by force if necessary, and that due to previous experience will refute your claim to Squatters Rights for a period of 14 days. You will have received prior notification from a third party (herein referred to as The Midwife) that eviction proceedings were begun on December 11th 2007. The Owner wishes to inform you that these current proceedings will continue for a period of 4 days. If you still remain within the property after that date, additional force will be used at a date to be determined, but no later than December 22nd 2007. A meeting to determine additional action took place on December 11th 2007 with a follow up meeting to take place December 18th 2007, wherein notification will be sent to you of those plans and any critical dates for you to note.
We once again stress that it is in all parties best interests for you to vacate the premises at your earliest. The Owner has provided numerous incentives, and believes your stay has been comfortable and enjoyable, but that it is time for you to move on.
 
Yours Faithfully,
Mummy

December 18th, 2007
According my doctor I am 41 weeks today, according to my midwife and me I will be on Thursday, as I had longer cycles and am pretty sure of the date I conceived. Anyways, still pregnant regardless, but it does matter, cause here the midwife cannot do a homebirth over 42 weeks, so my midwife is getting me to proposition my OB to change the due date to the 13th from the 11th so we have another couple days to play with just in case…….that just in case is the daunting part..I dont want want to think about it but it keeps coming up, after 42 weeks its standard to recommend induction b.c things can start going wrong midwife said to me..She also said I am going to have to have another ultrasound on Friday to look at fluid levels and such..Grrr that will be my 5th ultrasound, its just been one thing after another, first it was low lying placenta omg omg omg, 3 ultrasounds later they decide my placenta is fine, then my BP goes up and omg omg omg high blood pressure pre-eclampsia, ahhhh, then it went down all on its own and its normal now, and now he is one week overdue and the omg omg omg starts again. I told my midwife its so frustrating and makes it hard for me to stay calm and chill ya know. She prescribed a nice glass of wine and a good movie haha. She did a cervix check again and again reinforced my cervix is soft and ready, but that alone means nothing in terms of when labor will begin. I then let her sweep my membranes a little, what the hell at this stage, OUCH it hurt, not dire but really not comfy. I had bad cramps after in my back and lower uterus. She kept saying sorry, she knows it sucks and some women have told her that this hurts worse then labor pains themselves as its an unnatural man made pain. She swore that in labor cervix checks were not at all like this. Finally she said that if babe has not come by Friday then I should consider castor oil as a last resort, which I will, cause well its still a natural method in my books if it comes down to that.
Seeing as how its so common for first time babes to be overdue, they sure do make it feel sucky for the mom.

December 20th, 2007
Ok so as I said last night, spoke to my doctor and midwife, and decided to try the castor oil thing as I am over 41 weeks now and midwives can’t attend a homebirth after 42 weeks. Not to mention the constant dire pain of my sacroilic that is making me basically immobile.
So online is says take between 1-2 0z of castor oil in a milkshake or with rootbeer, so I have 1.5oz or 3 heaping tablespoons mixed into a milkshake and gulped it all back at 7pm last night. Its now 11am the next day and I have not had a single bowel spasm that I am aware of, certainly no runs haha, and no labor at this time. I don’t know now if I should try again with more this time, but I decided to wait til tonight to decide as I am bitting the bullet and going to see an Accupuncturist today, I am in so much Sacroiliac pain that I was bawling this morning with the shocking horrible nerve pain, it can’t be put into words this pain. We don’t have the money but I can’t live like this another day, its dire straights at this point, I can’t sleep and I need my rest to get the baby out. Also she can help with labor induction, my midwife says accupuncture is a great way to move things along, I have just been putting it off due to financial restraints hoping and praying things would start on their own and all would be solved.

This little man REALLY doesn’t want to be born I think, wow!

December 21st, 2007
Still pregnant. I have officially told my family we will not spending xmas with this year as well, its in 4 days, no way even if he came now that I would feel up to it. They are gonna come here with us instead and stay in a hotel and cook us a turkey πŸ™‚ Yeay! So that is a weight off my shoulders, we will go to Moncton and show him off in the new year when we are a little more rested and healed.
In the meantime, trying to get baby out, the pain in my hip yesterday was mind blowing, I spent a large majority of the day crying on and off, I found that back and muscle medication works pretty well for it, but the muscle relaxant in it has not been shown to be safe in pregnancy, so I dont want to take it, I took one last night in a desperate state and it helped alot, but I worry about baby so I can’t be taking them, so it’s back to the Tylenol bottle for me. I went to see an acupuncturist last night hoping she could help with the pain, she couldn’t sadly, but did say she can focus on getting labor underway so that is what we are doing. She said my energy stores were very low, which is not surprising being the amount of sharp intense pain I am in all the time, and she said my body would want to feel comfortable before going into labor, if at all possible, so it has likely been holding off as long as possible. Ok great, so how do I fix that. I want the pain gone too, but the only thing that will help it is strong meds that will hurt my baby sadly. Sigh.
I sadly have been losing my confidence in my ability to have a drug free homebirth, I was so confident early on in the pregnancy, but this pain has stripped that from me, I can’t imagine trying to deal with the pain of labor when moving, walking, sitting is this excruciating all on its own. I just keep thinking I want an epidural to just make the pain go away. I want the sheet bliss of feeling pain free for a few hours. Yes the pain is that bad, and its been chronic for nearly 3 weeks, if it would just go away I could focus on regaining my confidence and strength but as it stands each time I move it’s like sharp shooting needles of pain all though my hip, thigh and buttock. I really dont think people understand how bad it is, if they did they might take me more seriously, I think the midwife thinks its uncomfortable to be sure, but its more like take my breath away make my hands shake excruciating, mostly cause its such shard fast jolts of pain when it happens.

Also I am happy for all the ladies on my December baby group who keep having there babies day after day despite their due dates being after mine, I am happy they have a healthy happy bundle of joy in their arms, really I am, but I can’t help but throw a little pity party for myself over here as I wait and wait. You know if he comes tonight overnight or anytime tomorrow he will be a Solstice baby, as tomorrow is the Winter Solstice, or the longest day of darkness all year, after tomorrow the sun is reborn and officially starts getting stronger and longer. It would be kinda cool if my son was born on the birthday of the sun.

So looks as though we aren’t having a Sagittarius after all, wow, he wanted to be a Capricorn.

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 21, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. i give u so much props for continuing to do this as this leads sooo much closer to what happened 😦 😦 😦

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