Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Wow! Grief!

I now get where post war soliders are coming from. When I studied litterature of war in University, I didn’t fully comprehend the nightmares, the flashbacks, the full body response as though completly under attack. Now I get it. I too am a survivor struggling to re-integrate into normal society, constantly under attack from my own body’s innert sense of fear.

Last night we went to see Brad Pitt’s new movie Benjamin Button. This movie is very very good, but it’s a 3 hour long ( I kid you not) story of how life brings death, sadness, abondonment ect…tainted with tiny moments of joy in between. In fact in a moment of true joy, Benjamin looks at the love of his life and says, " Nothing Lasts". Knowing he should enjoy the moment cause it will be gone soon.
The damn movie was like backing up my feelings about life everyday since Evan died. Nothing Lasts. Nothing is for keeps. You will eventually have to say goodbye to everyone you love. Bad things can happen at any given second, just around any corner. Live for the moment.

The movie begins with a women dying in childbirth and ends with a baby boy dying with a ton of deaths and a couple more births in between. I had a full on panick attack 10 minutes into the movie that left me feeling shell shocked for the next 2 hours and 50 minutes. I used 3/4 of my container of Rescue Rememedy I swear just trying not to loose it completly. Shocked at the level of my reaction, hand and feet numb, chest aching deeply, heart palpitating at a crazy speed, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, tears streaming down my face.
As soon as the movie was done, I lost it, like LOST it, bawled in the car so hard I was almost screaming with agony, then I started gagging.

All I kept thinking was I have to get home to Oliver, he will cheer me up. Then I lost it again, because my world feels held together by love for Oliver and Dave and so if anything were to happen to either of them I would just die, and that makes me feel all kinds of vulnerable. I worry obsessively about them. (So you can imagine how deeply I freaked when I got the call from the Paramedics re: Dave when his accident happened). 

Hours later I was calm again but exausted, so I crashed and today I feel better. I feel ok but scared that it is so very easy to shatter this tiny thin protective coating I have built around myself. That the smallest reminder of the dreadful day can send my body into full attack mode and tear at my soul so deeply.

I hate being a survivor and wish I was part of the crew who will never have to know trauma like this.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 28, 2008, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. So that’s the movie you guys went to see? I’ve been wanting to see it, too, but have refrained in fear of having the same reaction you ended up having.
    Argh, some movies are just awful in that sense – of being really triggery, symbolic, and portraying of PTSD.
    Sending you big hugs ❤

  2. omg i’m so glad you lost it also! AHHA well not glad, but like I seriously lost it during that movie. I started crying probably 30 minutes into the movie, and no exaggeration I didn’t stop until two hours after I got home. My chest was hurting the whole movie, because I was trying not to be loud, I couldn’t breathe at all, my shirt was soaked in tears, and even today my chest still hurts, because I tried to supress crying for 2 hours, but couldn’t. I Cried through litereally the whole movie, cried in the car, still crying when I got home, took a bath and cried in there for an hour. That movie had the craziest effect on me, more so than any other movie i’ve seen in my life.
    HOWEVER, no one else in the theatre cared, as soon as it ended everyone was like “omg that was so long”, that’s it. So since then i felt like this huge loser who just took the movie way too seriously. SO I AM SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT SOMEONE ELSE CRIED HARDCORE ALSO!
    Like it’s so stuck with me too, I can’t stop thinking about it either, then I just get all sad again! It’s horrible, I kinda wish I didn’t see it, but then I am really glad I did see it because it was amazing.

    • ****Spoiler Alert Don’t Read If You ****
      Ok good, that it did that to you to. It makes me feel a little less damaged, and more just sensitive hehe.
      I just thought it was so sad, I really lost it when his dad took him and ran to the waterfront and was thinking about dumping him overboard because he was an ugly baby, it broke my heart. The baby just lost his mother, all that he had left was his dad and his dad was about to toss him into the harbour because he was ugly. Poor little boy. Broke my heart and then it just continued from there.
      I am recommending it to everyone anyways cause it was a good movie.

      • Oh i know, I felt the same! Also, omg i don’t even know, I have so many parts. I mean, the part when Benjamin is on the dock with his daughter, and you just know he’s not going to stick around. And the part when Benjamin comes back with Daisy and they read that story together again from when they were kids, ugh I could go on and on, but I’m going to start to lose it again.

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