Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Posted by mommamaynard
I now get where post war soliders are coming from. When I studied litterature of war in University, I didn’t fully comprehend the nightmares, the flashbacks, the full body response as though completly under attack. Now I get it. I too am a survivor struggling to re-integrate into normal society, constantly under attack from my own body’s innert sense of fear.
Last night we went to see Brad Pitt’s new movie Benjamin Button. This movie is very very good, but it’s a 3 hour long ( I kid you not) story of how life brings death, sadness, abondonment ect…tainted with tiny moments of joy in between. In fact in a moment of true joy, Benjamin looks at the love of his life and says, " Nothing Lasts". Knowing he should enjoy the moment cause it will be gone soon.
The damn movie was like backing up my feelings about life everyday since Evan died. Nothing Lasts. Nothing is for keeps. You will eventually have to say goodbye to everyone you love. Bad things can happen at any given second, just around any corner. Live for the moment.
The movie begins with a women dying in childbirth and ends with a baby boy dying with a ton of deaths and a couple more births in between. I had a full on panick attack 10 minutes into the movie that left me feeling shell shocked for the next 2 hours and 50 minutes. I used 3/4 of my container of Rescue Rememedy I swear just trying not to loose it completly. Shocked at the level of my reaction, hand and feet numb, chest aching deeply, heart palpitating at a crazy speed, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, tears streaming down my face.
As soon as the movie was done, I lost it, like LOST it, bawled in the car so hard I was almost screaming with agony, then I started gagging.
All I kept thinking was I have to get home to Oliver, he will cheer me up. Then I lost it again, because my world feels held together by love for Oliver and Dave and so if anything were to happen to either of them I would just die, and that makes me feel all kinds of vulnerable. I worry obsessively about them. (So you can imagine how deeply I freaked when I got the call from the Paramedics re: Dave when his accident happened).
Hours later I was calm again but exausted, so I crashed and today I feel better. I feel ok but scared that it is so very easy to shatter this tiny thin protective coating I have built around myself. That the smallest reminder of the dreadful day can send my body into full attack mode and tear at my soul so deeply.
I hate being a survivor and wish I was part of the crew who will never have to know trauma like this.