Let the Depression Lift..
Dave is so depressed. Like really really depressed, angry, sad, quiet, and just down. I worry about his mental health so much. He feel’s like a failure for putting our family in this situation. I am equally as depressed, because I am…and because he is…and that makes me sad. Also I am mad that so much crap is going on with us when all we wanted was the energy to deal with our child’s death, but situations have made it so that we have so much else going wrong that it’s hard to find the energy to deal with it. I know we are in a bad spot- and people all go through this. That it’s part of life, adulthood, homeownership ect…but I don’t know how we will pull through the next rough months ahead. I only know that we have to. Dave will not be getting more then $400 a month from workers comp, they confirmed that. If he chooses to work, they clawback cent for cent what he earns, plus he might be lossing the ability to access any Vocational Rehabilitation services he might require. We are torn. $400 a month works out to $2 an hour if you do a 40 hour work week. That is nuts.
Between us our monthly family income will be $2400.00 a month. Which would be fine if I had been living a low budget lifestyle all along, However, I have a $400.00 a month student loan, $600 Mortage Payment, $350.00 Car Payment, $100 a month Oil bill during the winter, (now), the most expensive time of the year for heat, $75.00 month electric bill, Insurance on car, home, life, Phone bill, internet bill, gas for car, food…..you get the picture. I am working on a monthly output spreadsheet and it’s looking like our monthly output will be near $2500.00 a month if we don’t spend one single unexpected cent. Not one luxury. It’s gonna be damn tight, but we just have to do it.
I am considering getting a second job on evenings and weekends. I guess it just means were going to have to put our TTC plans on hold because I can’t image myself in my first trimester, sick and exausted and having to work two jobs. I think it might kill me ..so maybe we should hold off on the baby trying thing for the time being in case we get lucky fast in that department. I don’t know. I wasn’t too worried about the long term cause I am sure in 9 months things will be better in time for baby, but I am now thinking about the first trimester.
I just wanted better for us and for this next baby. With Evan it was constant stress, we were so poor, we faught about money all the time. We couldn’t afford to buy him anything and that made me feel lousy, Everything we had for Evan was given to us. I cried so much during my pregnancy with him, I wish better for future babes ya know.
I just wish life would let up even just a little for us. I don’t want anything more then basic stability and I just can’t seem to attain that.