Dread dreadful dread!
My old landlord/friend and his lady friend are due to have a baby at any given moment, her due date was last Friday.
Dave insists on hanging out with them, he is at their house right now while I am at work. Dave even helped him put together the crib last week,WHAT THE FUCK??
I know we all mourn differantly but I cannot bear to be around them. I feel panic creeping up my throat everytime we talk about them. I want to dig a hole in the sand, bury my head in it and pretend none of it is real. I don’t want baby news, I am damn sick and tiered of hearing about people having babies since Evan died. Loss Momma’s excluded of course.
I am not going to feel bad. I have a current distaste for pregnant people and new mom’s. I don’t really wish them harm, I just don’t think I will be able to really make peace with this until I get mine. It’s not fair that I should be expected to sit back and watch everyone else’s glee pass me by while I cry on the inside, heart torn to shred’s knowing that I should have a one year old right now. Knowing that all I ever wanted was to be a mom and that that job was stolen from right out under my watchful eye. Fate or higher purpose be damned, all I want is a baby to hold and nurse and love. A soft warm body to hold against me.
I know someday I will make peace with this. Today is not that day.