Dread dreadful dread!

My old landlord/friend and his lady friend are due to have a baby at any given moment, her due date was last Friday.
Dave insists on hanging out with them, he is at their house right now while I am at work. Dave even helped him put together the crib last week,WHAT THE FUCK??
I know we all mourn differantly but I cannot bear to be around them. I feel panic creeping up my throat everytime we talk about them. I want to dig a hole in the sand, bury my head in it and pretend none of it is real. I don’t want baby news, I am damn sick and tiered of hearing about people having babies since Evan died. Loss Momma’s excluded of course.
I am not going to feel bad. I have a current distaste for pregnant people and new mom’s. I don’t really wish them harm, I just don’t think I will be able to really make peace with this until I get mine. It’s not fair that I should be expected to sit back and watch everyone else’s glee pass me by while I cry on the inside, heart torn to shred’s knowing that I should have a one year old right now. Knowing that all I ever wanted was to be a mom and that that job was stolen from right out under my watchful eye. Fate or higher purpose be damned, all I want is a baby to hold and nurse and love. A soft warm body to hold against me. 

I know someday I will make peace with this. Today is not that day.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on January 13, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. He’s moving on – and that’s healthy. Moving on and enjoying life in all it’s forms does not mean you or he are forgetting about Evan.

    • We all move on in differant ways.
      I have moved on as well, I have come leaps and bounds from where I was January 13th, 2008, but not enough to be around newborns or assembling cribs for others. I am healthy and take care of myself, I have a generally very possitive outlook on life or at least I try to. I always did before the past 16 months have kicked me in the head repetedly. I am a good person with a good head on. However I am not perfect and I don’t feel the need to be. I also don’t feel the need to justify why I feel this way (not saying that you feel I should either) and yet here I am doing it anyways. Oh well that it is what it is and I feel what I feel and I have panic attacks when I am around friends with new babies.
      I think that truly if you havent had to carry a baby to term then spend hours in labor delivering their lifeless body into this world, if you haven’t experienced that trauma, then it’s imposible how to know how it would effect you, or what impact it would have on your future self. It’s impossible to know what moving on is. I think it’s 111000000000 times worse to survive then most people could ever fathom. That’s all I am saying.
      I find normality in the good, the bad and the ugly amongst those who know what it means to loose a child and survive. I imagine it would be the same for people recovering from other trauma’s as well. I know it so actually, which is the whole basis of support groups. Oh thank heavens for support groups.

  2. Some people do grieve differently. In the infertility “community” (um, random people I knew who were experiencing infertility at the same time that I did) some of us LOVED being around pregnant women and babies/ kids and some of us really, really, really, really could not handle it, it was too painful. And both responses are OK. Dave may need a gentle reminder that you’d rather he didn’t talk about them to you, but his hanging out with them may mean he feels compelled to be around pregnancy/ kids for the exact reason you feel compelled NOT to be around them!
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    (PS: Oliver’s shoes are on their way to you!)

    • For sure, Dave fully understands and supports me. Just as I support him. Same as last new years I wanted to stay in bed and cry and he wanted to make a turkey dinner for friends, and I hated him for making me socialise 1 week after my first born died. My midwife sat me down and said, we all mourn differantly and Dave want’s to find comfort in food and friends this new years. I then decided I would suck it up and do it for him. I love him because we are differant people who deal differantly. I don’t always get it, but I respect it.
      Thanks Doll, I can’t wait to see Oliver in new booties. I will send pictures.

  3. First of all, before I unleash this novel, let me say how much I wish I could just drive over there with a bottle of wine (for you) and some chocolates and Thai takeaway so we could talk/cry properly, in person, right now.
    What I’ve realized is that as much as one can heal, mourn, grow, progress, etc. in their grief — there is a certain part of us that will never truly heal until we are able to have a baby to hold and mend our hearts. It’s just… a part of us will always be stuck at that level of grief, unable to move forward, backward; we just stay the same, in limbo, as it were.
    ESPECIALLY as first-time loss mamas, like us — we can love up on our pups and kitties, our husbands, we can fill our time with work and busy our hands and minds with crafts, cooking, or books – but there is a vacuum Evan and Julia left in us. And while their future siblings will never replace them, they will bring us healing and help us move toward the next level of motherhood – of honoring and remembering our past children and honoring and nurturing our future children. I believe it is fully physically impossible to heal from the loss of a child without having another. They’re not a bandaid — they’re a bridge back to a reality of motherhod we just don’t know yet.
    Oy, my heart is breaking for you, Jayme, because I don’t know how if I’d be able to cope as well as you had I not gotten pregnant so quickly. I admit it was a move of love as well as desperation. But my prayers are always that you will have your heart and life’s wishes fulfilld and a sweet baby be brought and nestled against you soon. You are so deserving of it. I know Evan’s with you every day and night and thinking the same thing.
    In the meantime, you be gentle with yourself. Stay away from those you don’t want to be around, surround yourself with those you do, and make sure to give Oliver a big hug from his Auntie Maria ❤
    Lots of hugs to you, too, dear friend. ❤

    • Thanks Maria!
      This why I need you closer 🙂 You make me feel normal and ok.
      I agree with every single aspect. I don’t think I will ever really feel healed and ok until I have my own baby in my arms, that brings with it so much relief. Even then you are not the same, you are never the same, but it’s heals the soul a little I imagine. I hope.
      Lots love to you too. Wimper. 🙂

      • Well, you are normal and okay! It’s those other moms who get their live babies every time that are the weirdos 😉

      • Let’s me fair now, “Some” of those mom’s who get live babies every time are weirdo’s. Some of them are ok. All have no real clue how truly horrible it is and I know it’s not their fault at all, how can they, no one should have to understand. No even my worse enemy. Sigh!

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