In the example of Jen! Filter it is!

Because of a few specific people I am not comfortable having read my stillbirth emo posts anymore.
Because friends only posts don’t exclude all people I don’t want to deal with anymore.
Because I am sick of feeling wrong for feeling so sad when things happen to drive home how baby-less I am.
I created a stillbirth emo filter. If you can read this your on it.
This will be just for rants related stillbirth angst and anger. Because I am tiered of people who have never had children and don’t want children telling me how to heal or to move on.
I don’t mind letting non loss mom’s into my head space, especially if they have children of their own and appreciate how precious the life of a child is. However, when someone judges me for how I am feeling or grieving and they haven’t been here themselves or just don’t get it,
it pisses me off and makes me want to say things I might regret.
So that I don’t go there and cause unecessary tension, I just choose to do this instead.

Specificaly I am talking about this comment today- 
"He’s moving on – and that’s healthy. Moving on and enjoying life in all it’s forms does not mean you or he are forgetting about Evan."
Some of that might not have pissed me off if a) I were not hypersensitive anyways due to the stillbirth thing and b) were it not from a person who has a history of being very negative themselves-how can someone who is so very pesimistic possibly be able to tell me what moving on and letting go means, and c) this person has NO desire to have children at all and is very open about this.

I think I took offense to the unspoken-even if I am guilty of reading into it to much.
As if to say Dave helping a friend set up the nursery and being around a newborn means he is dealing better then I am with Evan’s death.
I know this is not the case, and that I am dealing just fine. I think I would trust my counsellor’s oppinion more then some random emo stranger. I just know men and women grieve differantly.  Also the fact that it seemed like an exert from a Coping with Stillbirth pamphlet or some crap. I don’t need your permision to move on thank you. You don’t move on from stillbirth, you just keep living cause you have no choice and you pray things will get better.

Some days I really don’t like People ya know.

About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on January 13, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. Don’t Please!
    Please Jaime, don’t move on. Don’t get over it. I would hope that you are starting to see some great qualities in this new woman that is now you. Evan’s death has uncovered incredible strength in you. Has forced you and your husband to reexamine everything little thing in your life, your lives together, your relationship with others as well as your relationship with each other. You both now have a new knowledge of life. I wouldn’t want you to forget about what Evan’s short life taught you. To move on would be to loose the lessions in love that Evan taught you. The lessons in patients that he taught you. The lessons in how strong the love is between you and Dave. Evan taught you so many things before he left us to go back. It’s a stupid use of words “move on get over it” for doing that means loosing everything you gained and well as lost.
    And thank you for including me in this filter. I know I don’t say appropriate things all the time (because I don’t have children and hope and pray everyday now, that I don’t ever have to experience the pain you and Dave felt and still feel, for the pain I felt and still feel for you is sometimes unbearable for me at this distance) but I do hope that having at least one person from the outside, wanting only for you to do whatever you need to get find your way through the grief, helps a bit after people say stupid shit to you…. and I say cut that chick off. Get her off your blog, she hasn’t said anything that hasn’t made me gasp when I’ve read it. She has some nerve….
    but then again, who am I to say anything!!

    • Re: Don’t Please!
      Thank you Colleen.
      I am still just such a sensitive person-What people think affects me more then I wish I did.
      Who the fuck is anyone to judge how I am coping, and yet I seem to care what they think sigh!
      I know I am doing fine considering, and that should be all that matters. Sure I am changed-but who wouldn’t be?

  2. The comment that bothered you is true, in a way. At least from an outsider’s point of view. We just don’t get it. Probably never will, unless we too, are forced to experience that kind of loss. But the thing to remember is that you are moving on, too. Everyone has their own way of healing, of progressing. If this is Dave’s way of healing, I know that he doesnt mean for it to upset you. I cant say i know what it’s like to lose a baby. I can’t say how i would react because dear god, i would probably kill myself. I also can’t tell you how to cope, because i have no clue. All i can do is read what you say and listen, and tell you that i hear you and that i feel for you and offer what little support i can give from 382758347584375 miles away. (ok, maybe not that many, but its still a lot.) If I have ever said anything like that comment that bothered you, i’m truly sorry.

    • Your welcome and you haven’t.
      If you had said things that offended me I would not have included you in the filter so don’t worry.
      I know I can be easy to offend, I know that, but I also just expect common sensitive, seems easy enough.

  3. *hugs* i am sorry for insensitive fools 😦

  4. OH MY GOD if there is any phrase that you don’t use (at least if you’re trying to be empathetic) when it comes to loss and tragedy, it is “move on.” (second to “get over it,” of course.)
    i agree with what you’ve said and what everyone else has said here, but one other thing i’d like to add is from dave’s perspective! just because he is willing and able to help this couple in this manner does NOT mean that he has “moved on.” how can you “move on” from something like that?
    with my cousins, whom i of course loved dearly but it is not the same thing as your child, i don’t think i can even move on from that. you know that there is a loss, that there is a hole in your family where that person is supposed to be, but knowing that is the reality and coping with the situation you’ve been dealt doesn’t mean that you are “moving on” or “getting over it.”
    blah, i don’t even know if i’m making sense. i’ve missed tons of posts because i haven’t been online lately, so please pardon me if i take a long time to catch up!

    • Oh honey buns hahaha you know I would alway forgive you. We share a life of drama and bad luck, thus get each other more then some others would.
      Hmmm does that make us emo soul sisters πŸ™‚
      fuck you world.

  5. You’re not overreacting at all. I have to remind myself time and time again those people really truly in their minds believe their helping in some sort of odd way, but none the less it pisses me off.
    I was recommended to at one point stop looking at my daughter’s pictures b/c that makes me sad, OH YEA LIKE HER FACE IS NOT ETCHED IN MY MEMORY FOR THE REST OF MY EXISTANCE????ugh sorry just had to get that out. Just that some people deserve a good shaking.
    since losing our dd my husband has done some things i don’t like and it angers me that sometimes he’d come home talking about his co-workers babies but yet he didn’t want to talk about ours so i can in a way relate to you.
    Im not sure if you noticed but alot of my talk about my daughter has scaled back b/c of the many people who do not understand on my list. I keep a journal IRL so it doesn’t bother me too much.

    • someone actually told you to stop looking at your daughter’s pictures?
      i would have wanted to pull out their hair.

      • The fact that she was online is what saved me from slapping her. I could not believe someone would ever tell me that but they did. I was told at my daughters wake I lost her b/c I don’t go to church….I’ve had mt fare share of ugly words.

      • wtf. just… i dont even know how to respond to that. you dont go to church so god killed your daughter?

        augh. that is the STUPIDEST, MEANEST thing i have heard in a long, long time.

      • I too was baffled, all I could do was turn back around and not speak to that person the rest of the service and I have not seem them again and never want to.

  6. I totally don’t think you’re overreacting. That’s like #1 on the “stupid idiot things not to tell grieving people” list.
    You absolutely DO NOT “move on” from death. You live, yes. (There is another choice, but it is not a good one.) But moving on? Seems to be code for “forget about it” which is unhealthy.
    PS: I’m in an irritated mood tonight, so if you want me to go slap a bitch, I will πŸ˜€ Otherwise, I try not to start things on other people’s LJs…

    • I LOVE YOU!!! πŸ™‚
      That was the best. Slap a bitch hahahahahhahah I will be laughing all night now.
      This is the same person who always need’s to put in a negative 2 cents like in this post pre: NY
      It’s ironic cause if you read her LJ it’s all emo.

      • Is she someone you know IRL? Cause I would just drop her like it’s hot, drop her like it’s hot, drop her like it’s hot…
        (Do you know that song? I am a huge hip hop lover, but not everyone shares my Snoop love.)

      • MMM kinda in real life and kinda not.
        Firstly she is the one who did our maternity photoshoot for us as she is a photographer in training. I loved the pictures and told her so. I was a glowing proud mom to be and tresure those pictures.
        She is pagan and so we met before I moved here as I was looking for local pagans to chat with. I found her to be very negative and emo, like drama drama drama, whine whine whine, so I decided not to pursue the friendship as I didn’t want to add that to my life. I guess she took it personally OR I was just a really good judge of charecter.

      • Also I don’t know the song, but I do love Snoop. I bet Dave has it on his Ipod though, I will ask πŸ™‚
        Cutest thing happened the other day. I was at my friends and I swaddled her 2 year old and was rocking her and singing rock a buy baby, and she asked me to sign the Acorn song. I asked her mom what is she asking me? What is the acorn song? Then I found out she meant Akon hahahah. OMG who rocks a baby to the tune of Akon. She has two teenage siblings though.

    • Yeah, I’d say drop AND slap that bitch. I had to restrain myself yesterday from putting in my “thoughts” when I read what she wrote. I felt this surge of maternal protectiveness, too, when I saw how upset you were, J.
      Just remove her and send her a message saying you’re taking her advice and “moving on”…….. from associating with bloody useless fools.

      • That’s why I love Yall, you make me feel normal when I question it. My own personal defensive cheerleader squad. Weeee.
        I love feeling protected. Even if it’s from a distance. haha. Glad to know it’s not just me.

  7. I like and agree (without having first hand experience) to what you said here- “You don’t move on from stillbirth, you just keep living cause you have no choice and you pray things will get better.”

    • People have to think before they speak is all.
      Sure maybe they might not be maternal thus, it’s hard to comprehend the baby thing, but how about your mom or your dad, or your spouse, the one you love most, when they die do you just move on?
      No, you keep living, with a heart a bit more broken, a bit more damaged, you remember them often, they stay in your heart, but you keep living.

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