WANT. NEWBORN. BABY!!
Did the dinner thing with the couple who had the new wee one last night. They had a daughter phew. They named her Katherine Elizabeth.
She is 1 week old, and so precious and small and I just stared, and got sad everytime the mom went aside to nurse her, giggling and talking about how much she loved her tiny hands that explore while nursing. I kept it together the whole time, I have been really lonely and the four of us always had good conversation and company, and I needed that nearly as much as I need a newborn baby of my own.
As soon as we left I bawled the whole ride home, I cried and cried from the bottom of my pathetically broken heart. I taught her how to use her hotsling and put the baby in it, and my hotsling is in the basement in a rubbermaid bin cause I never got a newborn baby to wear. I was so overwhelmingly jelous watching her hold and rock that little baby, my arms felt again, as they felt after comming home from the hosptial childless, like they will never feel normal again until they can hold a baby. I didn’t hold her, mom never offered. I understand, it’s weird, I am that sad girl who’s baby died.
I hate that this is my world, my reality, what I have no choice but to live with. I hate that nothing will ever be the same again, that all the future babies possible for me will never give me Evan back. I want Evan, he will forever be missing in my heart. I will never be fully complete again, there will always be part of my heart empty, reserved for tiny Evan.