Did the dinner thing with the couple who had the new wee one last night. They had a daughter phew. They named her Katherine Elizabeth.
She is 1 week old, and so precious and small and  I just stared, and got sad everytime the mom went aside to nurse her, giggling and talking about how much she loved her tiny hands that explore while nursing. I kept it together the whole time, I have been really lonely and the four of us always had good conversation and company, and I needed that nearly as much as I need a newborn baby of my own.


As soon as we left I bawled the whole ride home, I cried and cried from the bottom of my pathetically broken heart. I taught her how to use her hotsling and put the baby in it, and my hotsling is in the basement in a rubbermaid bin cause I never got a newborn baby to wear. I was so overwhelmingly jelous watching her hold and rock that little baby, my arms felt again, as they felt after comming home from the hosptial childless, like they will never feel normal again until they can hold a baby. I didn’t hold her, mom never offered.  I understand, it’s weird, I am that sad girl who’s baby died.

I hate that this is my world, my reality, what I have no choice but to live with. I hate that nothing will ever be the same again, that all the future babies possible for me will never give me Evan back. I want Evan, he will forever be missing in my heart. I will never be fully complete again, there will always be part of my heart empty, reserved for tiny Evan.

About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on January 31, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. When you have a second baby, you’ll be one of the moms who really realize the fleeting beauty of the newborn stage and will treasure every moment. That’s really worth a lot and you have a lot to look forward to. *hugs*

  2. That was hard for you. I’m proud of you for facing this. You didn’t have to go. But you did. Good for you!

  3. I imagine that as your relationship with this couple grows, they’ll let you hold the baby. (I was such a meanie about that, didn’t want anyone holding MY Remy! I’d waited soooo long for him.
    The new bebe is waiting for the right moment to come, I have no doubt of that, sweetie. S/he and Evan are together right now, waiting and watching over you. Your empty arms will not be empty forever, although I know it feels like they will…
    (PS: I remember how irritating it was to be told my baby was “waiting for the right time…” I just want to reassure you, I don’t mean it THAT way. I mean it in the sense that *whenever* it happens, *however* it happens, it will be the right time. Like, tomorrow, for example ;-D Or yesterday! And it WILL happen, as my infertile friends used to say, “Keep Hope Alive.”)

    • I know what you mean. I do agree that part of this sadness is that there is not another on the way already. However, I think the biggest part of this pain is that I know that another baby, or 10 more babies just can’t change the fact that I only got to hold Evan’s lifeless body and never got to bring him home with me. That no matter what, all I will ever have of him is 42 weeks of pregnancy and 11 hours of labor. I have to learn to live with that in my heart and that hurts so so so much, I never knew pain like that existed, and I have lost many people I love.
      I am keeping hope alive though. For sure I am keeping hope alive.
      How long did it take you to conceive your son? I didnt know you had struggled with getting pregnant.

      • Nothing will ever bring him back, that is the truth, mama. A very painful, horrible, awful truth that it SUCKS that any mama has to know! 😦
        It only took us 2 years to conceive Rems, but it was a fairly awful two years (it was the entire time we lived in Toronto, just for reference). I had had an unplanned pregnancy earlier in my twenties, so I thought it would be easy to get pregnant… plus, I’d wanted a baby since I was a teenager! So it felt like I had been “waiting” lomng enough already…

    • You are always such a comfort ❀

  4. I would have asked to hold her, but maybe just because it’s the pushy American in me πŸ˜‰
    Sweetheart, everything you are feeling, all the pain… I wish I could take it from you. I wish I could bring our babies back, because the mere thought of realizing that this is Forever, that they will never come back and we will always be empty? It is so damn crippling, so damn injust for so many of us to endure. So little time with them in our bellies and yet a lifetime of remembrance, pain, and emptiness. I know we are in different positions because I’m expecting a baby, but I guarantee you, you are right – this will never change that Julia died. Or that Evan died, when his siblings are born. It is just unimaginable and honestly? I hope you pour yourself two martinis tonight, one for me and one for you (or maybe 4 each, heh) because we all deserve some numbing from this.
    I am sending you so much love right now and wishing I had enough gas in my car to drive up to NS to see you and cry with you. So we can grieve and lament this destroyed life and devastated hearts that will never be the same, no matter what happiness may come our way in the future.
    Love you ❀

    • Well I am going to a stillbirth momma’s house to have dinner with she and her husband, and I am bringing pie and wine:)
      I am just so sad this weekend, it sucks, I hate depressed me. I hate even more that I feel like I can’t escape it. EVER. No matter what we do, were we go, we can never ever escape this, and I just really really realized that this weekend kinda. Looking at a 1 week old baby just kinda hit me what I really lost, everything that was stolen from me.
      I get mad, and I yell, WHY ME…What the hell did I do to deserve this. Then in the next breath I feel like shit for being so self centred, I mean why did this happen to any of you? It’s not just me. I just hate that it is me none the less. It’s a catch 22. I just want to turn back time 1.5 years and forget I know about stillbirth really. Sigh!
      I look forward to the day when I can understand and appreciate this and not feel like someone carved out my heart with a pairing knife.

      • I’m so jealous (but really, very happy) that you’re able to connect with stillbirth mamas IRL. I hope you have a good, healing time. Please eat lots of pie and drink lots of wine!
        This shouldn’t have happened to anyone, but I understand the “Why ME” response. Everyone has it. That’s the fucking disaster of this all – every horrible feeling we have…. it’s normal. That is disturbing some days 😦
        Lots of hugs ❀

  5. {{hugs}} I know what that’s like, I really do. Even though I’ve had Charlotte since Abby died, I still ache for her. And you’re right, there always will be a place in your heart for Evan, your arms and heart will always feel like there is something missing, but as time goes by, it hurts a little less.
    Now that Charlotte is growing quickly out of the baby phase, I feel the ache coming back but it’s not as intense as it was before she was born. It will get easier mama. {{hugs}}

    • Ya, I don’t know why but I think about another and I feel weird. I see those congrats and it’s a girl cards they got and I angry, and I thought to my myself, I never got those, I got sorry your baby died cards, and I don’t want congrats cards when the new baby comes, because I feel like that means this baby means more then Evan did or something, and he is my first born and the most important baby in the world, he taught me everything about pregnancy and birth and mommyhood….I don’t want anyone to ever forget my first.

  6. ((hugs))
    And I don’t think you’d ever want to forget your sweet Evan either. He is a part of you.
    I hope you have a new baby of your own to hold very soon!!! That was very brave of you to visit them and their newborn.

  7. I feel the same way there’s always gonna me apart of me that is sad and broke for saige.
    There’s a little 10 month old girl I saw last night my 2 yr old is obsessed with and it breaks my heart because Saige would be 10 months now and like I knew all along he’d love to have her here, I like to look at her but I can’t hold her its too much.

    • Sigh, that is just it. I think I just realised that all the joy and love that comes with a new baby can’t change the fact that our other babies died. It’s like a half joy.
      It’s suck butt, I just feel like my heart will never ever be complete, it might be 90% complete, but there will be a sliver missing and it will always ache for him.

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