Another snow storm brewing here right now, I hope work will close early as a result.
I am sitting here having coffee and thinking random thoughts:

I  need to go to my baby’s grave and visit, it’s been since November as I was out of town over Christmas and New Years. It’s also hard to get to in the deep snow. I hate that I don’t go there as often as I thought I would. I am torn what to do with the whole grave thing, when we burried Evan we bought the plot next to it, to ensure our whole family could be burried together. Now I feel like all of that is tying us down. I fantasize about running away, selling the house and moving somewhere else, like back to Toronto, or this morning to the French Riviera, but then I think I have to stay here, my baby is burried here. Someday’s I wish I had just kept his urn so we could carry it with us if we move, but then I like that he has a permanant plot with his name and information. I like to garden there and leave him flowers. I like that people will walk by, see it and say, oh that is so sad, there is a baby burried here. I want everyone to know about him.

I know I have to tough out the Nova Scotia thing, I love it here when it’s not winter, I just need my friends.  I wish all my Toronto friends would move here, but that is unfair since all their families are there. I miss my best friend Sarah more then words, I used to spend so much time at her house.

I wish I had the money to do my master’s degree.

I wish we had money to get a flat pannel TV and to get Dave a laptop, once he get’s back to work I may finance these things through Dell for a couple of years.

This winter has been especially brutal on my mood, I need to find the sun and regain some hope.

I wish I still had it in me to believe that life will be ok for us.

I want to get pregnant with quints please 🙂

I need to loose 50lbs to feel better. 30 to feel healthy.

Whenever I feel sad I watch the Buffy musical, Once More with Feeling and it makes me feel happy for a while.

We are currently on season 2 of 30 Rock and it is a good show, thanks guys.

Yesterday Oliver shredded an entire box of kleenex all over the livingroom, then chewed my glasses. He is lucky I have benefits to get new glasses, jerk pup! I love him anyways, he felt really bad. I think he lacks impulse control.

I want 2 more tattoo’s, 1 for our trip to Peru, picked out for years I have just been broke, and 1 for Evan. I think for Evan I want his feet and his name on my back , but I am still undecided. I might get one over my heart for him.

I love fleece sheets-they make my bed feel like a giant teddy bear.

I could go on forever, so I suppose I will stop here.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on February 3, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I feel you re: winter. I hate it so very much (I would be insane if I were in NS!)

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