This Month…

March 20th, 2007 all my dreams came true when I conceived Evan on purpose. We had gone to a Spring Equinox event with very close friends where we were painting eggs..We all put a pinhole in the top and bottom of the egg’s, blew out the contents into a bowl, then used the egg’s to make yummy custard for everyone there. We used the shell’s to decorate and paint our wishes and goals for the comming seasons. See to pagan folk, spring is the beggining of new things, the time when the earth starts to awaken again and bud’s start to pop their tiny heads out of the grown. The season is all about new beginnings, new life, new hope. Dave and I had decided we wanted a baby the comming year, married for 7 months we were ready. We both painted our egg’s with the wish of a baby. That night we conceived our wish. It was perfect and romantic and I couldn’t wait to show Evan his little egg’s. When we moved from Toronto to Halifax, I was 8 weeks pregnant, I wrapped those egg’s in a million layers of fabric to protect them. They made the move safe and sound.

10 months later, December 24th, 2007, Evan died in my belly during labor and I never got to show him his egg’s. We ended up burrying them last summer in the garden at the graveyard by his side.

If I were to get pregnant this month, my due date would be more or less December 11th, 2009..exactly two years to the day Evan was born. I don’t know how I feel about that, really I just want to be pregnant……..
You know when I set out to reproduce I had just turned 30, it took me 3 months to get pregnant and I never in a million years would have thought I would find myself 2 years later without a child still. My heart is so empty and soar and I am so sad that 2 years later I am sitting here with a basement full of Evan’s stuff and an office were the nursery should be. All the things that once mattered to me have fadded into oblivion and now my world is hung upside down in limbo. In waiting for the only thing that means anything to me anymore.. A baby!

These are supposed to be the best years of my life, they fly by me blurry. I spend my months awaiting cycle day 13 when I start my sex-athon’s to hopefully catch that egg, then I spend from day 21 to 30 holding my breath and praying , only to cry again when I get my period. Nothing in between matters anymore. I have litterally 5 friends who have fallen pregnant in the past 4 months that I have been trying. I think it might not be so hard if I was paralleled by much less pregnancy and birth. It makes me more impatient. I am so hard on myself..

Logical me-4 months is really not a long time to be trying.
Post loss me-I dont’ f’ing care, I want a baby yesterday and it upsets me that everyone else keep’s getting pregnant so fast while I wait and wait. What if it never happens, what if something is wrong with me, what if I never have another baby again. OMG I would die, I would just die cause all I ever wanted was to be a mom and it would ruin me. OMG OMG OMG.

Stillbirth has broken me so deeply, somewhere in this mess lies the girl that used to be so possitive and optimistic. I am not sure if I will ever find her again. I miss me. I feel like I have become a monster, praying that other people will struggle to get pregnant, or have a loss, or experience 1/10th of the pain I have been feeling every day for over a year…..and yet I would never ever wish that on anyone, but it creeps up, around the edges, wishing I could feel normal again, not like the freakish exception to the rule of pregnancy, or as I said before, the pregnancy pariah. I just us all to have perfect pregancies and births, that way I don’t have to wish I didn’t feel so alone, cause we all would be the same, happy and fulfilled.

I have said it before.. I was the first of my friends to get pregnant and it’s looking like I will be the last to have a baby, How very unfair.

Please let me find my way. Please give me another chance. Please let me get pregnant soon so I don’t totally loose my mind, each month that it dosen’t happen for me makes me just a little bit crazier. I have even been debating the anti-depressants again cause the intrusive thoughts keep getting stronger..then I take a step back and pray this too will pass and I will find my way again. I need therapy and I am going to sign up for that asap. I have put it off forever, well since the support group ended and I found myself alone and still in pain. I worry about alienating myself from my friends because their joy brings me so much pain and it’s not even their fault. What should they be less happy for me? 
I am lonely and I am running out of real life friends fast. It just feel’s like we have nothing in common when their worlds are all about their babies and my heart breaks watching it cause I don’t have it in me yet to FULLY beleive it will ever happen for me. I pray that it well, I say that it will, I see no real reason why it can’t..but it’s like pregnancy after a stillbirth, you just can’t fully wrap your brain around it until it’s done… 

P.S Don’t tell Dave, he get’s so mad at me when I go to the negative place, he won’t let me talk about it, he just get’s angry and tell’s me to stop comparing myself, that it’s unhealthy. He doesn’t get it, it’s so deeply engrained. It’s not that easy. It’s all I know right now. I say that only because when I get down and try to get it out, all my family members run to Dave…oh we are worried about her, is she ok..blah! I am ok. I am not suicidal, my baby died and I am aloud to be depressed about that somedays as long as it dosen’t rule my every second of every day, which is dosen’t I do have happy moments in there.

 

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on March 2, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. *hugs* thinking of you. i wish i could give you peace somehow. i think of you and evan so often – at every milestone of maya’s i think of you and evan. it is so normal to come to that negative place – look at what you have been through! it would be impossible not to feel this way.
    i know it is taking longer than you expected, but you are gonna have a healthy and well-loved baby and you are going to be the greatest mama to that baby.
    as a side note, a few people i know online all had some luck starting the humping at day 8 and going every other day until day 12, and then going every day for as long as they could stand it. they called it the day 8…. something or other. but in any case, it worked for all of them!

    • hahah well I know Dave would dig that…I might be warn out come the end of the month haah.
      It’s so frustrating when you know you are ovulating and timming everything right to hit ovulation…it’s like grrrr why aren’t the two of yall meeting up, does someone need a map or something?

    • Also thanks for not judging me. I feel so awful and then I am like…no… I deserve to be angry and emo, it’s not unwarented and then I am like ya…but I will isolate everyone if I am like this. I so wanting to put the past 32 years behind and move forward already cripes, how much bad stuff can happen to one innocent bystander.

  2. P.S. I know it will be hard but I hope this month is the month for you all.

  3. I feel like a monster too. I know someone whose having *gasp* a girl due in *gasp* the same month my daughter died around *gasp* the same time. Before she was pregnant she was ignorant enough to tell me how to handle my grief, in which she had not a damn clue about. I’ve thought about what if she suffers the same fate I did in the same month. How could i think that? I feel bad.
    Some of my other former co-workers are pregnant and they’re only 14 weeks pregnant and announcing it all over Myspace asking people to vote on baby names. It makes me angry that I am 20 weeks and I haven’t said a damn thing and won’t until I maybe, just maybe have the same outcome as Maria was able too.

    • I know…I have thought it too.
      Sad…cause I never would have..it’s just you know, no one get’s it. Or at least not fully, some can comprehend it, but I couldn’t have if I had not been here myself.
      It’s sad that our ignorant bliss has been stolen out from under us and we can’t rejoice in the bliss of pregnancy the way we used to, so sad.

      • It really is sad. I feel so horrible for being so angry at the moms who show off their belly pics all over myspace and I just spend nine months never posting pitures.

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