The Waiting Game Again.

Ok Ovulation confimed, but my cycles are doing weird and wacky things lately like suddenly becoming 28 day cycles and having me O on day 18 rather then 20-21. I also never noticed any abundant CM until the day that FF has marked as ovulation, but the think with that is, I got a possitive OPK on the day of Ovulation according to FF, wereas last month the day of was negative, the day before was possitive. Only thing I can think is that is happened like late at night while I was asleep or something since I took the opk around 5pm. Odd. Anyways, we will see. FF says if I conceived this month I would be due 12/07/09 that is 4 days before Evan’s due date due to earlier O this time around. Still I am thinking it would be so much more stressful having a parallel pregnancy, I want them to be worlds differant after all, with a better outcome this time around. I guess that goes without saying.

Anyhow chart is here.

Speaking of Evan, I don’t feel him around much anymore, not like I used to feel him. I think his soul has moved on to it’s afterlife place and is at peace.  I think I have to do the same. I am getting better one day at a time, stronger. I hope. You know grief, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on March 19, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. did you see ‘what dreams may come’? i was just thinking about how she is having a hard time coming to peace with her husband’s death, and his spirit is there holding on to her, and as soon as he moves on and is at peace himself, she is able to… i don’t know, process it more i guess? i don’t know if that even made sense.
    anyway your chart looks good. i can understand not wanting the parallel pregnancy. i believe that no matter when your next baby comes, it will be worlds different and that things will go much much better. *hugs*

    • You know, I did see what dreams may come and I remember loving it to, the imagery. However, I guess I didn’t pay close enough attention cause I thought his wife died, committed suicide and he was going in after her, not wanting to let her be dead, didn’t know he was dead himself. Hmm. Going to have to rent that movie again.
      It’s so hard to find that balance between learning to live with the pain that comes with the loss of a loved one and accepting their gone while remembering them with love. You have to allow yourself to mourn the loss. However, who am I am to wish someone was not dead. So many cultures celebrate death as a time when a spirit get’s to move on to their next incarnation. Who am I to try and force him to stay here with me because I want him when destiny didn’t want it so. I guess it’s just ultimately about accepting that and letting go while still finding a way to love him forever.
      Man, my head hurts.

  2. Can you tell me how you know his soul has moved on? I was wondering if my daughter is still around sometimes. I had a dream of her about 2 months after she died and I had some back in September. I had one where I was holding a babygirl but in the dream she wasn’t mine and I was sobbing and I woke up crying. Not sure if that’s her or not but I don’t get anymore dreams. I guess I’m asking what does that feel like if you can give me any type of description.
    I know it will be stressful I hope that whatever is best happens this month, but I can’t blame you for feeling stressed about having parallel pregnancies, I wanted to get pregnant like a month after I lost her and I can’t say if I would have or not, I have no clue but it is kind of a relief this pregnancy is in July instead of any spring months. Though I am still a nervous wreck.

    • You know I don’t even know to explain it, it’s just like I know. I used to feel him, like see things randomly that let me know he was saying hi, like the bird that landed on my head at his grave and the candle from labour that burned melting into a heart shape, and the closet door in his nursery just randomly opening no matter how many times I shut it and made sure it was shut tight. Also the dreams like you said, and erriely enough I had the EXACT same dream as you, were I was holding and I just knew he wasen’t mine and I couldn’t keep him and I was so sad..Weird that you said that.
      Ya so I just feel a quiet peace now, stuff dosen’t come up as often, the dreams are gone, no more pop up’s in daily life that let me know he is there. I guess he just stuck around long enough to make sure I would ok before moving on.
      It’s so sucky to even have to talk about this, about our babies like this..sigh!

      • you’re right it is so sad we have to talk about this.
        after my dream where I was holding her (I now know it was her because they(saige and babygirl) looked the same, the only difference is I was told she wasn’t mine in the dream) I have not had another dream about her. I had it about a month ago.
        I guess it has to do with not being so in tune with those things but I am going to try to be more mindful but it may have to do with why I am so sad and I can’t pinpoint why.It’s funny I had thess thoughts that “Saige is not going to come visit me anymore because everytime she does I wake up breaking down afterward..she’s going to think it’s too much.
        I don’t want to move on without my daughter, but what else can I do? She’s not gonna come back and that is too much for me to accept.

  3. I know there will always be a place for Evan in your heart.
    good luck this month 😉

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