Because I have no time on the weekend..

Our internet connection sucks for photos so I wait til work to upload them, this is why the mass spurt of posts all in one morning.
So by the time these posts are done it may appear I am the mood swing queen, I was happy Friday, Happy Saturday, happy then sad then happy again Sunday and today just blah! Thus despite all these posts taking place in one morning, they have very differant tone.

Sunday afternoon we met up with the couples from our hospital stillbirth support group for Brunch and then we all attended a Ceremony of Rememberance of all the babies who passes away in 2008. Evan passed away in 2007 but we wanted to be there with the other’s we have come to be close with and remember our babies together. That was hard and sad, I cried more for the other people there I think then myself, some tragic losses and each family equally broken hearted. One little guy only lived 3 months as he was born very ill, they had his picture there in a santa suit with a big ol smile on his face, he looked gorgous and healthy and content, he passed away 1 year to the day Evan died. My heart was so crushed for that family.  When one couple got up to light the candle for their baby boy, the mom was clenching a teddy bear so tight and just bawling and I lost it and started bawling, I remember crying into Evan’s teddy bear for day’s on end and how horrible it feel’s to have empty arms. The world can be a cruel and hard place to so many of us who love so fiercly and hurt so deeply for our little lost angels.

When Evan was cremated, he was such a big baby (long baby) that all his ashed could not fit in the newborn urns the hospital donates. Thus I got a pile of his ashed given to me in a plastic bag inside a purple velvet bag, I have been holding onto the extra ashes, unsure what to do with them. I had some sealed into a locket that I wear around my neck, but I wasen’t sure what to with the rest, scatter them, bury them in our garden, keep them? Last week I decided I wanted to keep them and get another container for them to keep on his memory shelf. Without my knowing it, Dave approched the group that donates the urns at the hospital and got us a second one yesterday, the exact match to the one Evan is burried in at the cemetary, so now we can keep half of him at home with us in the other urn, plus keep his grave and permanant monument in place. This makes me happy because I can now have the best of both worlds ( when death is the only world you have the option of). Once I get the shelf in place I will take some photos.

I have a very thoughful and loving husband. He took me out for a very nice lupper (lunch/supper) after the ceremony and we really enjoyed the rest of the day. I so greatful to have him in my life, without him I feel I would just be lost in this misery.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on April 27, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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