Chart Updates

So this morning my temperature was back up just above the coverline, which surprised me to be honest cause the cramps I had were all to familiar. I got up to pee after temping only to see blood. I put it down as spotting right now cause I almost can’t believe my luteal phase is shorter??? However I know it will be light bleeding soon, once I get up and walk around. Just Wow!
Nothing like trying to lengthen your LP only to have it shorter? Why would my temperature bother going back up, tease. It’s not as high as it would be anyways. Back to the drawing board. Guess I will try doing they soy thing in the first half this time and maybe vitex in the second half?? I know Vitex takes a while to work or adjust things so I wonder should I keep at it and see..I am just afraid to be honest, I want this over already.
I think Dave is really dissapointed. When I had the nausea and vomitting just totally randomly last week and this past weekend, and then food aversions and random blood sugar drops were I just needed to eat now…he totally thought I was pregnant. I did a bit too cause that is exactly how I felt in my first trimester. Oh well. I have no opk left and only one more month of FF left, I only bought 6 months VIP cause I figured that would be more then enough time. So I wil temp this month and then, if this dosen’t happen, I might just stop for the headrest.

Its going to be a woe is me day while I smile and try to be happy for the pregnant teenage highschool dropout clients having their 2-3 baby, I manage it every day, and it barely makes me cry anymore, each day I just get more bitter at the hand I was delt. Is stillbirth really not enough?
Apparently not…apparently I am REALLY going to appreciate a f”ing kid when I get one. Cause you know, I took things for granted with Evan with all my boozing and coke snorting, cripes already. Bad Jaime for eating organic and doing everything you could for your body and his.

Ok enough bitter. Growl!
At least I still have Dave and Oliver and I love them very much. I try sooo hard to stay optomisitc, I really really really do, you know in case optimism attract’s good luck as they say..It’s just become so damn nearly impossible, I just need one thing to work out, just one and then maybe…

I guess I will make an appointment to see my doctor and see if she thinks I should try clomid or progesterone to help with my luteal phase, at least those things are covered by my insurance, all these over the counter herbs are not…but I have preffered the natural route…I just feel like I can’t sit here and do nothing anymore.
I have had a 10 day luteal cycle consistantly since comming off the pill on 07, and I was fortunate to conceive Evan that way, but it’s been over a year since he passed away, and 10 months since we stopped using birth control at all, and 6 months since we said yes let’s conceive, and 5 months since we started charting and 4 months since we started using opk to make sure the timming was right. Something should have happened by now, statistically speaking….if everything were ok that is.

Anyhow, I have been down anyways, I can’t loose this postpartum weight, I am exercising my ass off and inot a single ounce, or inch differance in 9 weeks, plus I now get acne thrown into the mix, today I have 8 zits all on my chin and not little one’s either. So I am chubby with acne and i can’t get pregnant, not feeling like a spectacular wife these days, I won’t even let Dave take my picture cause I don’t want to see it. I feel I am at risk of falling into a really really deep depression soon if something dosen’t give cause I am just barely keeping my head up, I have 1000% lost myself. I used to be confident, stylish, proud that I looked good, felt good, I liked me, I even loved my pregnant body, called myself a yummy mummy…now I hate being me and that is hard. I have no confidence left at all and it’s starting to affect my marriage and if that falls apart too then I think I would die.  

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on April 28, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. My darling, you’ve been in my thoughts. I want to chat sometime soon.
    I won’t presume to know what you’re going throught, but I can relate to general stress and anxiety and frustration. And disappointment 😦 I’m so sorry ❤

  2. I’m sorry hon. I was really kind of wondering about the nausea too but I didn’t want to jinx things. I don’t see how you couldn’t be bitter. I know I would.

  3. You have right to be bitter, i’m bitter with you honestly. but i am one of the most pessimistic people you’ll meet.

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