When things that should make you smile make you cry!

My best friend for 10 year just had her baby girl on Monday, Her first child. Of course I am over the moon for her that her baby is healthy and alive. She was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant with Evan, she was so happy for me, we discussed when she would begin reproducing and she laughed and said not for a while, I am not near ready for that.

Now she has a baby and I don’t. She got pregnant when Evan would have been 9 months old, or 18 months after he was concieved. I never for a moment thought she would end up with a baby before me. Dave get’s so mad at me when I say that but I don’t care..I realize that in reality I did have a child first (not that it’s a competition) but you know what? screw that, I never got a baby to bring home, and I feel like pregnancy is only one componant of being a mom, actually having that child at home with you and raising it is another, which is why adoptive mothers are every bit as much a mother as a biological mother.

Anyways so of course I am happy for her and would wish for no other ending, but I am just reminded once again today that I am still here, 16 months after Evan’s birth, 25 months after his conception without a baby in my arms, or my womb. With a basement full of dusty baby gear and a fancy new crib no one ever used. It hurts. I am only human.

I had the same feeling on mother’s day. Dave said he was sorry he didn’t get me a card and I cried and told him I didn’t want one anyways. I tried to explain to him how I was feeling, which was that with each passing day it feels more and more sureal to me that I had him at all, he was my first, so I don’t know what I missed in terms of raising him and milestones, it’s like he’s fadding, the pain is still there, raw, but I just don’t feel like mommy I guess, and I don’t ever want to be given a Happy Mother’s Day card, because right now, Mother’s day is a slap in the face to me, there is nothing happy about it at all, it’s a reminder of everything I don’t have….

I don’t a child to hug and kiss on mother’s day.

I am by nature an optomistic person, and I really used to beleive that you get out of life what you put into it, so I always strived to do my best and be my best, however, it feel like life has deemed it appropriate that I get nothing easy and nowehere without a huge ass struggle and stress to go along with it. It get’s hard to stay optomistic after 32 years of that. I still try, cause I need to beleive life can be better, will be better, otherwise, what’s the point.

I have re-injured my pregnancy injury and I feel today exactly like I felt in the day’s prior to Evan’s birth and I think that is stirring up alot of pain to add salt to the wound. Going to see a Chiropractor in an hour and hoping he can help.

About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on May 14, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I think you have every right to feel the way you feel. I may sound cliche but I am hoping everytime I log into LJ that there’s an entry from you with a bfp and I am going to keep hoping and praying for that b/c u deserve it.

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