When things that should make you smile make you cry!
My best friend for 10 year just had her baby girl on Monday, Her first child. Of course I am over the moon for her that her baby is healthy and alive. She was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant with Evan, she was so happy for me, we discussed when she would begin reproducing and she laughed and said not for a while, I am not near ready for that.
Now she has a baby and I don’t. She got pregnant when Evan would have been 9 months old, or 18 months after he was concieved. I never for a moment thought she would end up with a baby before me. Dave get’s so mad at me when I say that but I don’t care..I realize that in reality I did have a child first (not that it’s a competition) but you know what? screw that, I never got a baby to bring home, and I feel like pregnancy is only one componant of being a mom, actually having that child at home with you and raising it is another, which is why adoptive mothers are every bit as much a mother as a biological mother.
Anyways so of course I am happy for her and would wish for no other ending, but I am just reminded once again today that I am still here, 16 months after Evan’s birth, 25 months after his conception without a baby in my arms, or my womb. With a basement full of dusty baby gear and a fancy new crib no one ever used. It hurts. I am only human.
I had the same feeling on mother’s day. Dave said he was sorry he didn’t get me a card and I cried and told him I didn’t want one anyways. I tried to explain to him how I was feeling, which was that with each passing day it feels more and more sureal to me that I had him at all, he was my first, so I don’t know what I missed in terms of raising him and milestones, it’s like he’s fadding, the pain is still there, raw, but I just don’t feel like mommy I guess, and I don’t ever want to be given a Happy Mother’s Day card, because right now, Mother’s day is a slap in the face to me, there is nothing happy about it at all, it’s a reminder of everything I don’t have….
I don’t a child to hug and kiss on mother’s day.
I am by nature an optomistic person, and I really used to beleive that you get out of life what you put into it, so I always strived to do my best and be my best, however, it feel like life has deemed it appropriate that I get nothing easy and nowehere without a huge ass struggle and stress to go along with it. It get’s hard to stay optomistic after 32 years of that. I still try, cause I need to beleive life can be better, will be better, otherwise, what’s the point.
I have re-injured my pregnancy injury and I feel today exactly like I felt in the day’s prior to Evan’s birth and I think that is stirring up alot of pain to add salt to the wound. Going to see a Chiropractor in an hour and hoping he can help.