Man am I nauseous today, it’s really bad and I sincerly hope it starts to fade being that I am nearly 13 weeks, it’s been three days of brutal. Just hoping it signifies a healthy baby is on the grow.
Well today is our first ultrasound, the one they do at 11-13 weeks to measure for exact age and also the nuchial fold for genetic stuff. I am of mixed emotion about this, I am excited to see my baby but terrified all at once. I am a ball of nerves and terribly afraid something will not be as it should, I just have so much anxiety around ultrasounds now.
Last night attempting to mention how I was feeling to Dave resulted in many tears. His response was the generic "Everything will be fine" I told I didn’t want him to say that, I wanted him to acknowledge that this is scary for me and causing me to have heart palpitations at the though. Even a good ultrasound means nothing since Evan’s were perfect. He got pretty angry at me and told me he didn’t know what I wanted. I tired to explain that all I wanted was acknowledgement of my anxiety and support, not a cure. He got quiet and angry for the rest of the night, said he didn’t want to talk.
When I was pregnant with Evan, he was rather insensitive to how hard pregnancy was, and was often annoyed at all my complaining over nausea, back aches, insomnia. When Evan died he promised he would never take anything for granted again and be more sensitive next time. I don’t honestly feel he is more sensitive this time around. His annoyance with my complaints is thick and obvious. It hurts my feelings cause I feel that he is resentful that I have been so sick and tiered and not in the mood for sex, or anything except sleep and relaxing. I honestly think he thinks I am exagerating, when if anything I am UNDER exagerating cause I sense his annoyance. I sincerly hope I feel better soon so we can resume normal married life, but I just wish he could realise that I am not a weakling, I am not being a baby. I feel like crap, this baby growing is hard work.
I have to add that for the huge majority of the time he is a wonderful husband, couldn’t ask for more. He is just clueless about this pregnancy thing, get’s annoyed when I won’t eat specific things, then other times laughs at my aversions. Last night he made chicken stir fry, I hate chicken right now, HATE IT, so I ate everything except the chicken and mushrooms. I don’t even care if that upsets him, eating it makes me puke so too damn bad. I REALLY want to be vegetarian this pregnancy, maybe that will change but right now all meat grosses me out. I was vegetarian when Dave and I started dating so this shouldn’t be so shocking to him. It took years for me to re-intergrate meat into my life cause I didn’t like it, I ate things I wanted at first like cheese burgers and then bbq ribs which I loved, but it was a gradual process. So my returning to my old ways is not shocking to me, meat in all forms disgusts me right now, period. As does mushrooms and all seafood. The list could continue but those are the major big time aversions.
We have been under alot of stress financially, and I got mad at him last night when I found out he secretly borrowed $500.00 from his mother and now had to pay her back. This made me mad cause I don’t want to be indebted to anyone else, we owe enough, I am sick as a dog, puking every morning and working my ass off to pay our bills, I didn’t want him to borrow money. Anyhow, what’s done is done. Here’s hoping things stabilize financially soon, cause this constant struggle has really been hard on our marriage.
Now I have to go shower, something that also makes me feel sick, I have to have a cold shower as it’s been to damn hot and humid in here, and get my butt downtown for our afternoon ultrasound. It’s pouring rain so if it get’s lighter I will take a bus, otherwise Dave will have to swing by and pick me up, which he dosen’t want to do cause it’s out of the way, but I also don’t want to stand in the pouring rain for half an hour and get to the hospital soaking wet.