Those things I have feared and continue to dread.

When your pregnant again after stillbirth, so much has changed.
I imagine it’s really hard for those around me to know the right thing to say. I imagine they never in a million years mean to hurt me.
It’s way to easy to hurt me, so don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you. However, please try to remember, this is my SECOND child, not my first, this is my second pregnancy, not my first. I have been a mother already for nearly 2 years. Evan is equally as important to me as this potential child, if not moreso cause he was my first, I will love them equally and I will openly talk about both of my children. I am so deeply afraid people will forget Evan, and consider this baby the First-child, grandchild, great grandchild, niece, nephew and cousin, and I will correct them each and every time. Evan will never be overlooked as long as I am alive. 

The more this pregnancy progresses, the more my heart wishes I had my first baby and my life was not such a complex mess of emotions and just social faux pas miss-steps. I hate to be this person, living with this monkey on my back.

Last night Dave’s sister, who has had two babies, felt it was a good idea to offer me some advice. "Don’t make the mistake and gorge yourself eating everything in sight" she says "Baby weight is easy to put on and hard to take off" she says. Thanks mam, however, this is my second ride on the pregnancy go-roud and if you recall, just under 2 years ago I gave birth to an 8lb child. I think I know how my body reacts to pregnancy, I think I know how to take care of myself. I only gained 25lbs with Evan and I am hoping to keep it the same this time.

A dearly loved friend also slipped up last night, saying to Dave "So does Jaime just want to have the one baby then?". Dave was quick to answer "Well this one will be our second, so no I guess not" πŸ™‚ I love him so damn much.

I know people just say these things without thinking, and mean no harm, but to me it’s representative of so, so much more. To me it’s a Freudian Slip. To me it just feed’s the fear that people will treat this baby as my first, when it’s clearly not. I have a son, he is in heaven, he is very real to me, as real as my Dad and Cousin Satara resting at his side.  

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on August 13, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. those people are really such know-it-alls, and they really don’t know anything, do they?!?

  2. all your friends already said what I was going to…so just….DITTO to them all, and big huge HUGS from me!!!!

  3. i can’t imagine how much more complex it is to walk thru a post loss pregnancy after losing your first. *hugs*
    i still got comments like “well everyone says the 2nd child is harder than the first” and i was like “well, good thing I just skipped right over that then, since eli is my THIRD” and such. and ita that peeps seem to think mentioning our deadbabies brings us more grief than ignoring them. i don’t fucking get that, sorry, good intentions aside, it’s so stupid.

    • haha if there is one good thing about this whole mess, is our abilities to shock people with our smart ass humour. I LOVE that you were like oh well thank goodness I skipped right over that second child thing and right to raising the third. It’s like eat that stupid, Eli is the third.

  4. That’s my big fear too, that everyone will forget my first baby. And I didn’t deliver at term like you did, so I can only imagine how much stronger that feeling must be for you.
    People suck in general when it comes to this. People are genuinely confused on why I’m not bouncing off the walls with happiness at this pregnancy. Happy, definitely, but everything is just so damn bittersweet.

  5. i wish ppl knew how bad it hurt when they say i have 2 kids, no i fucking have 3 kids. fucking get it right. It makes me so mad an so sad.

  6. I understand what your feeling hun. I go through the same BS with some friends and family.I swear they forgotten him and I should too! I cannot do that nor will I stop talking about him. When I speak his name, I say Robbie,not baby.He has a name and he did exisit.Frustrating!

  7. I know it’s wrong, but I think people feel that if they mention Evan, they’ll cause you pain, like somehow you will have forgotten him and all your pain. I think we just have a ridiculous society that is so dissociated from death and grieving. It’s like a dirty little secret, you know, we all go through it, but no one ever mentions it and should NEVER dwell on it. I *am* sorry that this happens. He *is* your child, no less than this one will be. Hugs to you. You’re in my thoughts a lot.

  8. people have such a hard time dealing with the death of a child, so i guess it’s easier to pretend it never happened and this is your first child?? i can’t imagine glossing over evan like that but i agree that people say things without thinking or that it is a freudian slip.
    this is different but still a situation in which well-meaning people (me) say the totally wrong thing. one of my good friends has been ttc for over two years. she started trying soon after i announced my pregnancy with maya, and now she is watching me try for #2. i know alex and i have slipped up and said insensitive things before without even realizing it.

  9. I am going through all these feelings too. I know how it feels. I am sick of everyone saying that they hope I have a girl this time or that they want a granddaughter because they have too many boys in the family and so on. i would be REALLY annoyed if people were giving me pregnancy advice. Ugh!

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