Those things I have feared and continue to dread.
When your pregnant again after stillbirth, so much has changed.
I imagine it’s really hard for those around me to know the right thing to say. I imagine they never in a million years mean to hurt me.
It’s way to easy to hurt me, so don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you. However, please try to remember, this is my SECOND child, not my first, this is my second pregnancy, not my first. I have been a mother already for nearly 2 years. Evan is equally as important to me as this potential child, if not moreso cause he was my first, I will love them equally and I will openly talk about both of my children. I am so deeply afraid people will forget Evan, and consider this baby the First-child, grandchild, great grandchild, niece, nephew and cousin, and I will correct them each and every time. Evan will never be overlooked as long as I am alive.
The more this pregnancy progresses, the more my heart wishes I had my first baby and my life was not such a complex mess of emotions and just social faux pas miss-steps. I hate to be this person, living with this monkey on my back.
Last night Dave’s sister, who has had two babies, felt it was a good idea to offer me some advice. "Don’t make the mistake and gorge yourself eating everything in sight" she says "Baby weight is easy to put on and hard to take off" she says. Thanks mam, however, this is my second ride on the pregnancy go-roud and if you recall, just under 2 years ago I gave birth to an 8lb child. I think I know how my body reacts to pregnancy, I think I know how to take care of myself. I only gained 25lbs with Evan and I am hoping to keep it the same this time.
A dearly loved friend also slipped up last night, saying to Dave "So does Jaime just want to have the one baby then?". Dave was quick to answer "Well this one will be our second, so no I guess not" 🙂 I love him so damn much.
I know people just say these things without thinking, and mean no harm, but to me it’s representative of so, so much more. To me it’s a Freudian Slip. To me it just feed’s the fear that people will treat this baby as my first, when it’s clearly not. I have a son, he is in heaven, he is very real to me, as real as my Dad and Cousin Satara resting at his side.