Life, hormones, pregnancy and depression.
I have a sneaking suspicion I will have to be watched for post partum depression. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones, me not being able to deal with things properly right now but they catch up to me anyways or low key depression, but I have been pretty down. Like really down, like crying for hours over the littlest thing. Crying so hard, my chest aches. Feeling alone in the world, overwhelmed, panicked, anxious, I just think about the sadness and unfairness in the world, I think about Evan, his delivery, his funeral, I think about Natashia and her losses and I just can’t stop the pain in my heart. It worries me because it feels good, it feel better then smiling even, I just want to get it out, all the pain. Remove from the pit it’s hidding out in. When I get started I realize how much pain there still is crammed up in me, all the emotions around Evan I haven’t even been able to deal with yet, how much I still have left to process though and come to terms with. I worry about how overwhelmed I will feel when and if I get to hold this baby alive. This morning on my way to work, I convinced myself that at least if this baby dies I am better prepared to deal with it then last time, and I will hold this baby for hours and get better pictures before saying goodbye, all the things I hate that I didn’t do with Evan.
Of course, I will tell Dave to watch closely for signs he thinks are worrisome. I am not so much worried about Post Partum Psychosis, I tend to be grounded pretty firmly in reality, I am more just worried about the depression. I am probably just being hard on myself, and I should just cry and not worry about it, with so much tragedy I suppose it’s normal to still melt down now and again. I am just like a one man pity party, I just need to think about my life to date and I bawl and bawl and bawl and start with the panic attacks. Its like I have been watching it happen as an observer, then when I actually step into that person’s shoes, and realise it has all happened to me, it’s to much to bear, I just start freaking out. The wall I have built it is tall and firm and it has sheltered me well, but little by little, I realise that that wall can only bear so much weight and eventually I have to face the facts.
I can’t wait until September 8th so I can hear this baby’s heart again and get some short term releif, I can’t wait until September 14th so I can see it on the screen again. I can’t wait until January so I can take this baby home. Please let me take this baby home.