Life, hormones, pregnancy and depression.

I have a sneaking suspicion I will have to be  watched for post partum depression. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones, me not being able to deal with things properly right now but they catch up to me anyways or low key depression, but I have been pretty down. Like really down, like crying for hours over the littlest thing. Crying so hard, my chest aches. Feeling alone in the world, overwhelmed, panicked, anxious, I just think about the sadness and unfairness in the world, I think about Evan, his delivery, his funeral, I think about Natashia and her losses and I just can’t stop the pain in my heart. It worries me because it feels good, it feel better then smiling even, I just want to get it out, all the pain. Remove from the pit it’s hidding out in. When I get started I realize how much pain there still is crammed up in me, all the emotions around Evan I haven’t even been able to deal with yet, how much I still have left to process though and come to terms with. I worry about how overwhelmed I will feel when and if I get to hold this baby alive. This morning on my way to work, I convinced myself that at least if this baby dies I am better prepared to deal with it then last time, and I will hold this baby for hours and get better pictures before saying goodbye, all the things I hate that I didn’t do with Evan.

Of course, I will tell Dave to watch closely for signs he thinks are worrisome. I am not so much worried about Post Partum Psychosis, I tend to be grounded pretty firmly in reality, I am more just worried about the depression. I am probably just being hard on myself, and I should just cry and not worry about it, with so much tragedy I suppose it’s  normal to still melt down now and again. I am just like a one man pity party, I just need to think about my life to date and I bawl and bawl and bawl and start with the panic attacks. Its like I have been watching it happen as an observer, then when I actually step into that person’s shoes, and realise it has all happened to me, it’s to much to bear, I just start freaking out. The wall I have built it is tall and firm and it has sheltered me well, but little by little, I realise that that wall can only bear so much weight and eventually I have to face the facts.

I can’t wait until September 8th so I can hear this baby’s heart again and get some short term releif, I can’t wait until September 14th so I can see it on the screen again. I can’t wait until January so I can take this baby home. Please let me take this baby home.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on August 21, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. It’s so interesting that you wrote this post. I’ve been thinking the same thing lately (about me). I was going to mention it to my GP to get her feedback. I’m afraid of losing this baby, but I’m also afraid of parenting a living one. I think no matter what it’s going to be an emotional mess.
    No advice from me, but know you’re not alone.

  2. I think that it is normal for you to feel so emotional right now, and it is okay to let it out. What you are doing has got to be the hardest thing anyone could do, and how could you not feel such pain and fear, even as you feel excited and happy? Don’t try to hide it, let it out, and be gentle and understanding to yourself. We’re all here with you, even if we are faraway. (((SO MUCH LOVE)))

  3. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
    Gently: depression isn’t just a worry PP. Pregnancy hormones can lead to depression as well (and especially with the PTS and MOST especially if there’s a trigger event I’d worry about that… which, there has been.)
    What I’m saying (gently) is: keep an eye on it now, too. Keep talking about it, keep finding a way to release the feelings as they arise. If it’s overwhelming, think about going on an antidepressant now… I’m NOT saying you need to, just throwing this out there. Depression isn’t a weakness (oh my G-d, it feels like it, tho!) it Just Is. And finding ways to battle it is important, for everyone!
    Also, just to clarify about the PPP — it seems to be usually triggered by not sleeping (it’s also REALLY rare). I had a RL friend — who is VERY grounded, normally — who stopped being able to sleep and came thisclose to having a psychotic break. It doesn’t look like what we *think* it looks like.
    Just like my (self-diagnosed in retrospect) PPD didn’t look ANYTHING like what I’d assume PPD looks like. Even having read the literature, I didn’t realize til later that irrational anger and irritability are symptoms. (There’s been some interesting studies recently on during-pregnancy depression and PPD in MEN and that’s where I found my symptoms. And M had them too, which is one reason our partners may not be the best people to keep an eye on us. Go figure.)

    • No need to explain, I know you always mean well and understand. I will use this blog as I always have, as an outlet and place to be honest.
      I had mild depression and anxiety already after Evan’s death, I took anti-depressants for 6 months but felt no differant at all, so decided to stop them. I felt my depression was managable and normal so I decided to just work though it. OF COURSE if I did feel like I couldn’t handle it then I would take med’s again.
      I would ask others to look out for me, but outside Dave and Natashia, I have no local friends, my family and friends are all at least 3 hours from me. This is why I have to be open to ask for help if I need it. I also think the doctors would watch me closer to make sure I am doing ok.

      • I know you grok me, I have just had issues with people taking me to task for my honesty/ assvice and I have issues with knowing when I’m stepping over friendship boundaries.
        And yeah, I TOTALLY see where you’re coming from and agree that getting through it is (sometimes) A Good Thing. I mean, I’ve never done antidepressants (for that reason and also others). But… it’s good to know info, right? I know if I need it, SSRIs are there…
        And you KNOW I feel you about the friend/ family issue… 😦 It sucks to be on your own, especially in motherhood (pregnancy included).
        You are strong and amazing Jaime. You have an amazing heart and wisdom. And you are gonna be an awesome mama (and already are, in fact).

  4. *hugs*. I am praying for you to take home a healthy happy baby in January.

  5. What I hate to see more than anything is seeing women who are depressed with PTS and don’t make the connection that it is a very “normal” part of the process and happens more frequently than you would think. The last thing they or you need is to feel alone. Knowing what the obstacles are is half the battle and good for you for making sure you have a good support system just in case. ((hugs))
    I can’t wait til you have your new baby in your arms!!!!

  6. I know all of this too.. ::Hugs::
    I feel it all too. You are normal.
    Have you thought about renting a doppler? I think its saved me many trips to L&D already. It really is worth it if you make sure you know how to use it.

    • Thanks for normalizing my pain 🙂 good to know I am not alone in my sometimes insanity feelings.
      Yes on the doppler question, I think it is a good idea.
      Thanks again.

  7. I’m sorry you are feeling so down. I imagine when you hold your healthy baby you will still mourn for what could have been. In abuse victims they say giving birth can make them relive the abuse. I assume it is true for traumatic deliveries like yours. Sometimes I think about having my ideal, perfect, birth and then I can’t stop crying because of all that my son missed.

    • Thanks. I am such a hormonal mess that even your niceness and sincerity just made me cry again haha.
      So much emotion.
      PTS has many faces and many effects, your delivery was a whole other version of traumatic, and although I knew my baby was gone, you had to go through labour and deliver worrying if your’s would be ok cause he was so early. It’s hard to feel like even if we get everything we dream of this time around, we can’t change the past and make everything perfect for our first born sons, our very hearts. We just have to find a way to accept it, make peace with it, which is so much easier said then done.

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