17 weeks-the internal dialogues.

So the last update was what is happening with my body and my bebe. I don’t have a clue if I have gained any weight or how much, I don’t feel like I have gained much at all, I just feel like I lost from my arms and hips and added that same weight to the front. As of last doctors appointment I had gained 1kg or 2.2 lbs  that was at 12.5 weeks. Guess we will see, not stressing about it too much so long as it stays well in the healthy range as it did with Evan (25lbs with him), cause the  more I gain, the more I have to worry about loosing afterwards and since I was already 30-40lbs overweight beforehand, I need to keep it around that, which is managable. Baby weight only please and thank you.

Anyhow, so at 17 weeks I am feeling movement but it’s still very mild and unpredictable, I haven’t noticed any movements patterns yet and the feeling comes and goes. Somedays I feel lots, somedays I feel nothing, and drinking orange juice dosen’t seem to change that, as I tried last night. I haven’t heard the baby’s heartbeat for just over 4 weeks since as I said my last doctors appointment got cancelled, my next appointment is in 2 weeks, so that upsets me a little, wish I could have a quick listen just to ease my mind for a while, but the movements help, and I can’t wait for them to get stronger so I am sure it’s baby and not indigestion. Debating if I should buy a doppler off Ebay like this one , they run about $100-$160. We really can’t afford it, but it may be worth it for the piece of mind. I could always re-sell it afterwards, so it seems like a better option then renting and they got good reviews. 

I know there is so little I can do aside from relax and be healthy, and I am doing those. I am generally quite relaxed and content in this pregnancy. I just get anxious when I think that at the end of the day, this baby’s life is outside my hands, I can do everything right and still. Doppler or no doppler, things can turn around quickly and that is a scary thought. I think about poor Natashia, and going to her ultrasound with high hopes only to have them shattered and find out your baby had passed away just day’s before. She got her doppler in the mail from a friend two days after finding out her baby didn’t make it. Devastating. My heart is so broken for her and her husband. Wish no one had to find themselves in that predicament, let alone a loss mom.

So bottom line is all in all, I am doing alright, I am not as anxious as I expected I would be, mostly because I know there is nothing I can do, so just enjoy each day, eat well and take care of myself. I just pretend to the outside world like I am confident and excited, and I am excited, but deeply terrified of getting to the end and loosing the baby again, wondering if that would ruin me once and for all  and praying I never have to find out. My coworkers asked me today if I wanted a shower and I said sure…about 3-4 weeks after the baby is born πŸ™‚ like a birthday party, I explained I didn’t want to tempt fate a second time.  

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on August 26, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I was the same way, I thought I’d be a nervous wreck but I was more calm than I expected to be.

  2. Hugs! Pregnancy is such a journey and I admire how well you describe yours, but I know it doesn’t make it much easier.

    • Thanks so much. Pregnancy is a journey, and so not something that can be taken lightly, we both know that from different perspectives. Such a complex thing it is making life. haha.

      • I think that’s one of the saddest parts of being any kind of loss mom – pregnancy loses its magic. Once you’ve lost a baby, at any stage of the pregnancy, you can no longer see pregnancy as a magical, mystical, flawless journey. You’ve seen the dark side of it as well, and you can never turn back from that.
        I think you’re handling it beautifully, in the face of all you’ve been through! *hugs*

      • My LJ friend and a member of my autumn community is doing birth art from the Birthing From Within work book. I am more of a a ranter than an art maker (except sometimes i bust out into interpretive dance if I think I’ll get a laugh).
        I feel like I should quote Journey.
        Just a small town girl
        Livin’ in a lonely world
        She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere
        Don’t stop believin’
        Hold on to that feelin’

      • Hahaha.
        I read birthing from within, I was all about the power of my body, then my baby died in my body one day and no one knew why and my cares about birthing from withing quickly vanished.
        My new consideration would be something more along the lines “Birthing a Breathing Child” or something along those lines. πŸ™‚ I sure wish they made a book like that. I can say that with a smile cause when you have been in this shitty a situation, all the birthing art in the world won’t make it better so you better have a sense a humour and learn to laugh at the darkness or go crazy.
        Now quoting Journey, that’s just plain brilliant. You should write a book of inspiration song lyrics and call it “Don’t Stop Believing” Haha.

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