Feeling guilty, feeling out of place.
Firstly I feel SO guilty that I have not been to Evan’s grave since July. He is 15 minutes drive away, what is wrong with me?
Life is so busy, but I feel I should make more effort. I feel my boy slipping furthur and further away from me as life continues to trudge forward.
I hope he knows how much I love him and miss him. Wherever he is, I hope he knows how much I wish he was here, awaiting his new baby sister. She will be born one month after his 2nd birthday, exactly when I was planning my second child. Two years apart like me and my brother.
She will know all about her big brother.
It bothers me that Evan was born on Christmas Eve. It bothers me because my other loss friends all go to their babies grave sight on their birthday and I am never here in Halifax on Christmas Eve, well not last year and not this year. We always go and spend Christmas with family and we have no family here. I suppose that will change, when we have our own little one and want to spend Christmas at home, then we can make it a tradition to stop by his grave sight on Christmas Eve with a present for him.
It bothers me too that I fantasize about moving back to Toronto..I miss my friends and life there, I prefer Halifax for ambiance but prefer Toronto for the people and culture. It bothers me because Evan is buried here, and I shouldn’t even consider leaving him behind. We bought that plot and the plot next to it, it was perfect, we wanted to make sure we could be buried with him. That means we have to stay.
I have to give it more time, but it’s been 2.5 years and I just can’t get used to the small town mentality (and Halifax is big), the extreme racial division amongst people who have lived side by side for a long long time, and the lack of knowledge about anything outside Nova Scotia. Everything is so clicky, especially career wise, people hire their neighbours daughter over another more qualified candidate…I am the ONLY staff member on my team not somehow distantly related, and I know when I go on mat leave, they won’t even post my job, they will hire the cousin of a staff member or some crap. I know it works well for locals, but for those of us comming from the outside it just seems wrong to be so biased and as I told one of my co-workers inbred, seriously, we have two branches, the manager of the Dartmouth branche’s brother works with me in Halifax, the manager of the Halifax branch’s daughter works in Dartmouth, the director of the agency’s daughter has worked in both offices and the list goes on. I wondered how I ever got the job in the first place, being that I was the only white staff on the team in Halifax and not even from Halifax, and it was because there was no one else who could do it available at that time. I know they don’t regret hiring me, and I love my team of co-worker alot, they are a great bunch, I was just noticing these things. Overall I greatful to have the opportunity to be doing what I love doing here, just that tiny things are getting to me.
Another example is that I am the only non-Christian on my team and I get asked EVERY WEEK to come to church, yes they all go to the same church and it just happens to be at the end of my street, so conveniant for me to attend. I politely decline and explain that I have full respect for Christianity and their choice of religion, I grew up hard core catholic, however, I would appreciate that they also respect my very thought out choice to be spiritual non-denonminational for the time being. It never ends, we are not a religious organization, we are the YMCA. This would NEVER happen in Toronto, in Toronto one of my bosses was Jewish and the other was Hindu. My co-workers were everything from Jewish Orthodox, to Greek Orthodox to Catholic, to Muslim, and we all co-existed in harmony, sharing our religious holidays together, promoting understanding rather then ignorance, respecting each other’s culture and choice. I guess I just miss that crock pot of diversity.
Anyways, I feel there is potential and I am determined to make it work. I like living here, I just have to find my place.