Feeling guilty, feeling out of place.

Firstly I feel SO guilty that I have not been to Evan’s grave since July. He is 15 minutes drive away, what is wrong with me?
Life is so busy, but I feel I should make more effort. I feel my boy slipping furthur and further away from me as life continues to trudge forward.
I hope he knows how much I love him and miss him. Wherever he is, I hope he knows how much I wish he was here, awaiting his new baby sister. She will be born one month after his 2nd birthday, exactly when I was planning my second child. Two years apart like me and my brother.
She will know all about her big brother.

It bothers me that Evan was born on Christmas Eve. It bothers me because my other loss friends all go to their babies grave sight on their birthday and I am never here in Halifax on Christmas Eve, well not last year and not this year. We always go and spend Christmas with family and we have no family here. I suppose that will change, when we have our own little one and want to spend Christmas at home, then we can make it a tradition to stop by his grave sight  on Christmas Eve with a present for him.

It bothers me too that I fantasize about moving back to Toronto..I miss my friends and life there, I prefer Halifax for ambiance but prefer Toronto for the people and culture. It bothers me because Evan is buried here, and I shouldn’t even consider leaving him behind. We bought that plot and the plot next to it, it was perfect, we wanted to make sure we could be buried with him. That means we have to stay.

I have to give it more time, but it’s been 2.5 years and I just can’t get used to the small town mentality (and Halifax is big), the extreme racial division amongst people who have lived side by side for a long long time, and the lack of knowledge about anything outside Nova Scotia.  Everything is so clicky, especially career wise, people hire their neighbours daughter over another more qualified candidate…I am the ONLY staff member on my team not somehow distantly related, and I know when I go on mat leave, they won’t even post my job, they will hire the cousin of a staff member or some crap. I know it works well for locals, but for those of us comming from the outside it just seems wrong to be so biased and as I told one of my co-workers inbred, seriously, we have two branches, the manager of the Dartmouth branche’s brother works with me in Halifax, the manager of the Halifax branch’s daughter works in Dartmouth, the director of the agency’s daughter has worked in both offices and the list goes on. I wondered how I ever got the job in the first place, being that I was the only white staff on the team in Halifax and not even from Halifax, and it was because there was no one else who could do it available at that time. I know they don’t regret hiring me, and I love my team of co-worker alot, they are a great bunch, I was just noticing these things. Overall I greatful to have the opportunity to be doing what I love doing here, just that tiny things are getting to me.

Another example is that I am the only non-Christian on my team and I get asked EVERY WEEK to come to church, yes they all go to the same church and it just happens to be at the end of my street, so conveniant for me to attend. I politely decline and explain that I have full respect for Christianity and their choice of religion, I grew up hard core catholic,  however, I would appreciate that they also respect my very thought out choice to be spiritual non-denonminational for the time being. It never ends, we are not a religious organization, we are the YMCA. This would NEVER happen in Toronto, in Toronto one of my bosses was Jewish and the other was Hindu. My co-workers were everything from Jewish Orthodox, to Greek Orthodox to Catholic, to Muslim, and we all co-existed in harmony, sharing our religious holidays together, promoting understanding rather then ignorance, respecting each other’s culture and choice. I guess I just miss that crock pot of diversity.

Anyways, I feel there is potential and I am determined to make it work. I like living here, I just have to find my place.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on September 26, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I wonder if within your communities of parents of angels if you’ve met someone who’s parents suffered an early loss.

    • My friend angel_robbie lost her most recent baby at 11 weeks for unknown natural causes and lost another at 6ish weeks from a blighted ovum, if that is what you are asking.

  2. You’ll find your place!
    And don’t feel guilty about not visiting his grave on his birthday or any other day. I don’t know what you believe but I believe the soul is in heaven and the body is going back into the earth, dust to dust. Evan knows when you think about him, when you speak to him, when you write about him, etc.

    • I agree with you, which is probably why I don’t spend every waking moment at his grave sight. His soul is not there, the essence of what was Evan is not there, just his ashes, remains of what he once was.
      I do however, feel guilty that I should be making the site I choose in his memory pretty, and I know that right now it’s just got a couple of dead plants next to it, cause I was there in July and brought 2 flowering plants and haven’t been back since.
      I hope he knows when I think about him and write about him though. Somedays I don’t think he does anymore, I know he did in the beginning but these days he feels very distant, like he has moved to whatever people move on to after their death.

      • That might be okay that he feels distant too. You are never going to forget him and you are suppose to heal and not be constantly in mourning. Besides there is a difference between new baby girl knowing she has an older brother looking out for her and living in his shadow or her feeling the burden of your loss.

      • Of course I am supposed to be heal. I have healed 100 fold, but there is still 100 fold more to heal, and these things they unravel one strand at a time, as things tend to do as you slowly come out of shock and awaken to your reality.
        I would never ask my child to live in the shadow of Evan and would hate myself if I ever felt I was doing such a thing.
        I am sure I will find away to deeply enjoy my child while still missing her brother so deeply. If only psychology were a cut and dry science, I don’t want to hurt anymore..Ok done. I wish. It takes time and patience I guess, and each passing year get’s a bit easier as I imagine it will continue to do.

  3. thinking of you and sending you hugs and love.
    i never know what to do at christmastime because my cousin nandu died on 12/23/05, and we do chanukah/xmas with my in-laws and they just so don’t get it. they are totally the types who will never mention any of that because they don’t want to remind me, as if i never think about it anyway, and if i mention it things get awkward and quiet and no one responds. so i have to pretend it never happened and acknowledge it only to myself during a holiday season i don’t even celebrate since the alternative of mentioning her and being ignored is worse.
    i was thinking of evan last night as i fell asleep because a little boy with his birthday came to play yesterday. and as i was in bed i was thinking that evan would be exactly that age, and i thought of his little face and shed some tears for him and wished him peace. i hope that doesn’t weird you out or anything – but i do think of evan and send good vibes and love out to the universe towards him.
    anyway, i love that evangeline will know all about her big brother. i like the idea of starting a new ritual for christmas, visiting him and taking him a gift. i was thinking of him last night and the new baby and how he should be there to be learning about your growing belly and his baby sister inside. i hope that wherever he is, he feels all the love from his growing family who will always honor and remember him!

    • I KWYM about not wanting to leave your baby’s grave behind. As eager as I am to begin a career away from here, it makes me physically ill and crazy with panic to think about leaving Abby behind 😦
      From the sounds of it, Halifax *does* sound small-town and clicky – just the way *my* small town really is! But the thought of moving somewhere like Toronto makes me want to pee my pants! The size of the city, the busyness, the crime, EEK!

      • You know what’s ironic…Halifax has a higher crime rate and more in your face crime then Toronto ever did. I thought when I left Toronto I was leaving because of the crime and to protect my poor future children. We have been broken into 2 times in 2 years since moving here and never were once in Toronto, and there have been more shootings and murders here related to drugs and gangs then they were in Toronto, it’s weird.
        BUT yards are nice and big and green here, and houses are actually affordable, whereas in Toronto proper houses are 600k with no yard or even a driveway, and then Dave’s sister just bought a semi detached 1.5 hours outside Toronto and still paid $300k for it..My house was $130 and has a huge green yard and is nice and quiet but still 15 minutes drive from downtown..so those are the things that make me want to stay.

    • I HATE how people would rather pretend something didn’t happen out of fear of making us shed a tear (GOD forbid) then acknowledge it out of respect for the person in question, both the deceased and the one missing them.
      Wow, I could NOT handle being around a boy born on Evan’s same birthday. Man oh man, I would die inside knowing that as I pushing out Evan’s lifeless body in misery and despair that this women was giving birth to her own happiness and perfection and they are replica’s of each other in some way of other, like opposites sides of a looking glass. No way, my heart sinks just thinking about it. I have come along way, but I am still far from healed. It doesn’t weird me out that you thought about Evan and I, I appreciate it, it frightens me more that people could forget him.
      As this pregnancy progresses the emotions become harder and somewhat darker, as they resurface. I knew this would happen so I somewhat prepared for it, what should be joyous is deeply tinged with fear, anxiety, somewhat irrational thoughts and sadness. I am overjoyed and embittered all in one, weird and contradictory emotions.
      I just feel myself being much more moody then usual, and having no tolerance, wanting to write people off faster then ever. I guess feeling deeply disappointed in people, when they don’t act as I would wish they would, which I know is such bullshit cause they are not me…but none the less, feeling so alone, because no one can do anything to truly make me comfortable..maybe ever again..hopefully not.
      Blah! Deep thoughts by Jaime Maynard

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