Stressing Solo..

I am less then 6 weeks away from my third trimester and as  it approaches my mood’s are shifting accordingly.
I SO wish that like Maria and Jen I had another loss mama to walk this journey closely and intimately with. I so wish Natashia had not lost her baby girl and we were on the path together still. I know she wishes this as deeply as I do.

I feel the deep dark sad creeping in the corners. Last night over a glass of wine with N, rather then feeling like my jolly self, I wanted to cry, I felt sad rather then greatfull.  Some hours I feel so alone in this journey.  Journaling is my only outlet. No one else want’s to hear my deep dark thoughts, they are, after all, bad for the baby, I should not think this way, I should live in happy rainbow land, because nothing bad will happen again and if I only will it so, then this baby will fix everything when she is born kicking and screaming.

What they don’t understand is she wont…she can’t and won’t fix everything. I am still 100% Evan free, I am still terrified everyone will forget about him when they look at her, or at least try and push his sad existance out of their minds cause it’s too sad, let’s live in the happiness that is the new living baby.

The dead baby is still real. My heart is still broken. I still have post traumatic stress. I will never forget the day I gave birth to his lifeless body after 41 weeks and 6 days of anticipating his arrival. I can’t talk about this with people in real life, they just tell me it’s unhealthy to bask in my own sad memories, that I should let them go for the sake of this baby growing in my belly. I remember them telling me the same thing when Satara was killed while I was pregnant with Evan. As though mourning a dead loved one is unhealthy for a developing fetus you just barely know.

Anyhow, I don’t even know how to put what I am feeling into words. I only know I feel very alone most days, and I had hoped to have more realistic support, but it seem’s I will only get that when this baby is actually born. I should have known, many IRL people felt 2 months after Evan’s death that supporting me had become to exausting, like they thought I should be ok by then, done with the tears.

In the meantime I am left to suffer the sadness and mixed emotions with a subsequent pregnancy in cyberland, with people who for the most part, have no true ability to relate to what I am feeling, or tell me if it’s normal or not. I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t either, cause truly. unless you have been in these shoes, it’s too horrific to even begin to wrap your mind around, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I wish no one ever understood this, cause I wish no baby ever died. For the people on my friends list who do know..I am so sorry you do.

I really feel like this journal is all I have, and the people who actually read it regularly, many holding their own babies tight, greatful to have them, knowing that it could so easily have happened differently, I am glad you still read, despite the fact that it would be easier to pretend you ever heard of such a horror. To live in a land of happy thoughts and perfect families. So for  that support, I thank you. Sometimes I just need to vent. It’s not all rainbows and dancing pony’s when your living pregnancy after a loss. It’s hope, but it’s also scary as hell and it’s so confusing and generally shaded with a touch of sad around every corner. It can be a cold and lonely place to wake up some mornings, opening your eyes each day and thinking "I hope the baby is still alive in there". I find myself holding my breath til I get those after breakfast movements, then I exhale and greatfully go about my day.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on September 27, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. (((((((((((((((((((loving you, supporting you and holding on to you)))))))))))))))))))
    (And also: feeling you on the friendship/ lack of support issue. UGH!!!!!!! Despite friends who care, sometimes one just has days when they need *more* and it’s hard not to get it. I grok. I hope you find your supportive IRL peeps soon!)

    • Thank you Alexis. You are so right, somedays just feel heavier then others, somedays I just really notice the absence more then others.
      I am blessed with many online friends, but sometimes reality can get lonely.

  2. There are many things I want to say. So much of me reacts to this post. But it is the end of the day for me and I’m afraid my words won’t come out well enough. Perhaps I shall try again in the morning. For now, though, let me say that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I am very grateful to you for letting me share in this. **hugs**
    *edited to fix a typo*

  3. just went through my own tags and some entries are just blah,sorry.

  4. Oh and if you wanted to you could go back through my entries tagged pregnancy #3, or pregnancy after loss..I did this A LOT with Maria’s diary.. that’s of course if you want to 🙂

  5. *hugs* Jamie. I should know what to say but I can just say I totally felt the same way as I am sure you remembered, all I had was this journal as well. Someone very close to me, well MANY of people say I have two kids now. I guess Saige just doesn’t exist because…she doesn’t exist. Fucking pisses me off. I am always thinking about you and praying this all comes to a happy beginning soon.(usually ppl say end, but I hate that word)

  6. I really understand, you know I do. I had many of these same thoughts and emotions when I was pregnant with Charlotte.
    It’s absolutely ok for you to feel this way, it’s ok (and normal!) to still be feeling grief, to still miss Evan even though you are pregnant. It doesn’t have to be all rainbows and dancing ponies; this is an experience that can’t be explained or understood completely until you’ve gone through it. Some days I look at Charlotte and I ache for Abby, wishing I could hear Abby laugh, hear Abby talk, change Abby’s diaper – all of it. That doesn’t take away the love and joy that I share with Charlotte and this is what most people don’t understand.
    If you ever feel alone feeling this way, go back and read my entries tagged “abby’s gift” . You’re not alone.

    • Thank you so much, those were the perfect words.
      It’s true that only someone who has been here can truly understand. It’s not so easy as “forget that one that didn’t make it and move on for the sake of this new baby”..if only it were, and that doesn’t mean we love our new bebe’s any less, or that they have to suffer because we miss our angels…all it means is that it’s a process, Yes it’s been nearly 2 years and I still have really hard days, and much easier days, and they seem to come and go at will. The mood’s are not something I create, yearn for, or seek to soak, use for pity, none of the above.
      They just are. Period.
      Thanks.

  7. I’m there for you. Although I’m not there in pregnant belly form, I’m there. I’m still by your side,always.Believe me, I soooo wanted to be your side and following you in this journey.I guess something or someone said it wasn’t time for little Faith.
    I love you and I feel your deep pain and saddness. Remember I’m there, talk all you want, I loved to listen and I love to be there for you,anytime.You did it for me.
    Your a true friend.I’m blessed in my ways to have met you and Dave. Your my saving grace!Thank-you!!!
    Hugs and love
    Ntaashia

    • Thanks Tash 🙂
      I don’t want to burden you with my issues.. I don’t at all want this to be a “Stop whining and be grateful your still pregnant” type of grudge, cause your the only real friend I have close to me and I appreciate your presence in my life so much. I am so paranoid since the whole thing with Lisa went down. Such a mess. So happy and so sad and so afraid of so many things all at once. I need a support group for people pregnant after stillbirth haha.
      Happy Birthday by the way 🙂 lotsa love and I hope you enjoy your dinner.

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