I am less then 6 weeks away from my third trimester and as it approaches my mood’s are shifting accordingly.
I SO wish that like Maria and Jen I had another loss mama to walk this journey closely and intimately with. I so wish Natashia had not lost her baby girl and we were on the path together still. I know she wishes this as deeply as I do.
I feel the deep dark sad creeping in the corners. Last night over a glass of wine with N, rather then feeling like my jolly self, I wanted to cry, I felt sad rather then greatfull. Some hours I feel so alone in this journey. Journaling is my only outlet. No one else want’s to hear my deep dark thoughts, they are, after all, bad for the baby, I should not think this way, I should live in happy rainbow land, because nothing bad will happen again and if I only will it so, then this baby will fix everything when she is born kicking and screaming.
What they don’t understand is she wont…she can’t and won’t fix everything. I am still 100% Evan free, I am still terrified everyone will forget about him when they look at her, or at least try and push his sad existance out of their minds cause it’s too sad, let’s live in the happiness that is the new living baby.
The dead baby is still real. My heart is still broken. I still have post traumatic stress. I will never forget the day I gave birth to his lifeless body after 41 weeks and 6 days of anticipating his arrival. I can’t talk about this with people in real life, they just tell me it’s unhealthy to bask in my own sad memories, that I should let them go for the sake of this baby growing in my belly. I remember them telling me the same thing when Satara was killed while I was pregnant with Evan. As though mourning a dead loved one is unhealthy for a developing fetus you just barely know.
Anyhow, I don’t even know how to put what I am feeling into words. I only know I feel very alone most days, and I had hoped to have more realistic support, but it seem’s I will only get that when this baby is actually born. I should have known, many IRL people felt 2 months after Evan’s death that supporting me had become to exausting, like they thought I should be ok by then, done with the tears.
In the meantime I am left to suffer the sadness and mixed emotions with a subsequent pregnancy in cyberland, with people who for the most part, have no true ability to relate to what I am feeling, or tell me if it’s normal or not. I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t either, cause truly. unless you have been in these shoes, it’s too horrific to even begin to wrap your mind around, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I wish no one ever understood this, cause I wish no baby ever died. For the people on my friends list who do know..I am so sorry you do.
I really feel like this journal is all I have, and the people who actually read it regularly, many holding their own babies tight, greatful to have them, knowing that it could so easily have happened differently, I am glad you still read, despite the fact that it would be easier to pretend you ever heard of such a horror. To live in a land of happy thoughts and perfect families. So for that support, I thank you. Sometimes I just need to vent. It’s not all rainbows and dancing pony’s when your living pregnancy after a loss. It’s hope, but it’s also scary as hell and it’s so confusing and generally shaded with a touch of sad around every corner. It can be a cold and lonely place to wake up some mornings, opening your eyes each day and thinking "I hope the baby is still alive in there". I find myself holding my breath til I get those after breakfast movements, then I exhale and greatfully go about my day.