Marital Discord.

Had a bad Sunday night and it sucks. I was stressed all weekend because of the pain in my SI, it’s an anxiety trigger for me because it’s some the sharpest memories I have of the last days pregnant with Evan and the horrible, mind numbing pain. I have not been sleeping well, dealing with stillbirth anxiety and constant pain/discomfort, financial stress with mat leave looming and guilt over the housework I can’t get done but a tiny bit at a time.

As we were sitting around, I could smell the tension off Dave. I looked over his shoulder at his laptop and he snapped at me to mind my own business, to which I replied, what is your problem do you have something to hide? This opened the pathway for hurricaine Dave. He laid into me, how he is frustrated trying to do everything around here so I don’t hurt my back, how he feel’s like he is responsible for everything and I am not doing my part, ect…..Bottom line is he feel’s I am taking advantage of my pregnancy to make excuses for letting things slip and letting my memory lap, and he is feeling unapreciated and unsuported. He says it’s the little things that matter, like remember to fill the butter dish when it’s empty or having dinner ready when he get’s home from work half an hour after me, and that I am not doing them which to him makes me seem selfish. He says that if memory REALLY is an issue in pregnancy then I should be writting things down to remind myself instead of just saying sorry I forgot over and over.

I was heartbroken, devastated and hurt, before I could even talk about it I spent 3 hours bawling in bed in the dark, so hurt. Maybe I am being selfish and didn’t notice, but it isn’t on purpose and certainly is not a slight on my part. I feel like my head is in the clouds and some days I walking the fine line of depression. I feel like I am 27 weeks pregnant, working full time in an emotionally demanding counselling job, comming home to a dog and cat’s that also need me to feed them, clean up after them, love them, tidying the house, getting things ready for dinner so that when Dave arrives he can cook (he is a WAY better cook then me, and has always cooked most of our meals, but I guess he dosen’t want to anymore I learned last night, so I will take over the cooking) then tiddying up after dinner and it’s 8pm before I finally get 2 hours of downtime and I am exausted. Add to this that my back/groin/SI has been killing me for the past 3 weeks, then the whole stillbirth phobia, keeping track of my appointments with a doctor, perinatal specialist, physiotherapist, ultrasounds, vitamins and blood thinners and I just feel like I have not an ounce left in my brain for everything. It dosen’t surprise me that I am forgetting things. I told him I felt he expected to much of me, and I remember having this same fight when I was pregnant with Evan (and I didn’t have nearly as much to worry about then). I am not like this usually, but he can’t expect me to be the same person pregnant that I was non-pregnant (or can he?)
He said I have become selfish and seem to be only worrying about me. I admitted this is true, my health and this baby’s health has been my utmost top concern, as I said keeping track of everything, appointment, shot schedule, doing my physio exercices, and I told him my midwife has assured me that in the end of pregnancy it is perfectly normal for a women to retreat to an inner place and become self centred.

I will try to make more of an effort, but I am deeply upset by this whole thing and it makes me wonder if I really do want to do go through this a third time. Yes I want two living children, but it seem’s to me my husband and I have more discord when I am pregnant then any other time and I wonder if it’s me who does change so very much or if it’s just unrealistic expectation at his end. I listen to ladies on my due date club talk about their husbands rubbing their soar back and hips and jaunting out into the night to fill some odd cravings, I have never expected nor received any of this.

Anyhow, the bottom line is, he told me loves me and wants to be supportive but is feeling frustrated and like I am often milking my condition. I have to respect how he feels, because that is how he feels, bottom line. He is feeling that way for a reason and I don’t know the root of it. He is a very good husband so I am not angry at him or resentful, mostly just really hurt and confused. I can’t even imagine how this would play out if we had Evan and were expecting a sibling. I don’t know you women do it, grow a baby, raise the kids, care for the pets, keep the house and please your husband, I just can’t imagine.

I know we need to be intimate more then 3 or 4 times a month, especially when he is used to 3 or 4 times a week, but again, I am just not feeling well, my back is soar, I am exausted, I threw up 4 times this weekend from this cough I have, and when I feel unsupported or resented that is a HUGE turnoff, so am I supposed to fake it? Anyday I feel great and am happy, I have been making an effort toward intimacy (hence the once a week above) but I bet this would help lift the tension, he always seems so much happier afterwards.

Today I am just feeling like a lousy wife on top of all the other crap going on, and I will spend the day mulling it over in my mind and debating what I can do to help the situation. I want him to be happy within reason, so if there is anything else I can do I want do.

Anyways, for anyone who knows him in real life, hush up, if he knew I was blogging about this I think he would be kill me 🙂 it’s under my super private filter.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 2, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. (((((((((((((love))))))))))))))
    you know, before I got pregnant I was so hard-core gender/ sexual equality. And I am still, but… There are some things that people who don’t get pregnant/ care 24/7 for a newborn/child won’t get. Similarly to how those who haven’t lost a child won’t really get THAT, either. Some things have to be experienced to be deeply understood.
    Which doesn’t let anyone off the hook for empathy, because we need to have empathy, regardless of our experiences.
    Sigh. I hate that you you’re experiencing this. I’ll say I’ve had these arguments too (and always when M feels overworked). I send my love and my deep belief that this, too, will pass. (Into something good!)

    • Ya it’s a thing. Even the best husband’s often fail at this women’s mysteries stuff, they just can’t seem to wrap their brains around it. He has been super nice ever since, but his words still hurt.

  2. *hugs* just i agree with what everyone else said. i know you guys will work it out, and d is awesome but sometimes guys are just insane, it’s true.

  3. I know that Dave is otherwise a very kind and loving mate, but jeez!!! WTF??
    Sorry. I’m getting angry for you here. Of course you are pre-occupied and self-centered. This is only the beginning, I am sorry to tell you.
    Once the baby comes, there will be lots more to worry about. I hope that Dave was just having a bad day/moment and doesn’t feel this way all the time.He’s in for a big adjustment…
    That being said, I am confident from the other things you’ve mentioned that Dave will come around eventually.
    For the mean time, please don’t take the things he said personally. I think he sounds like he is way off base and obviously doesn’t have a good understanding of what it’s like to be a woman and pregnant. He never would have said those things otherwise.

  4. I can see both sides, but right now you’re pregnant and that’s just the way it is imo. I’m sorry this happened.

  5. I see this in so many pregnant women’s journals! I just don’t get it. Maybe pregnancy brings about insanity in men.
    There should be a class for men who are soon to be dads. They REALLY need to get a clue. Some guys are completely oblivious to the sacrifices their wife is making, and don’t realize that they need to make sacrifices as well. And what will they do when the baby is born, and their wife does even less? And there’s even less sex? And the man’s needs go to the very very end of the line? It’s just the reality of it. It’s not fair, but it is the way it is.
    You know, women get stuck taking care of everyone in the family, and that’s just the status quo. We keep mental tabs on what everyone needs and keep all things domestic going. Men need to realize that for pregnancy and the newborn period, they need to take over that and stop whining. They aren’t children who need to be taken care of too!
    I know Dave is usually husband extraordinaire, but when a flaw pops up, it is totally okay to tell him that it is NOT okay. You don’t have to be nice to him all the time in return for him being nice to you 95% of the time.

    • I guess I just feel guilty because he is working so damn as well, he works M-F 7:30-5 as a carpenter, then works evenings and weekends at his own business as a private contractor, and then is doing the reno work on the house, so it’s not like he is sitting around expecting me to wait on him..He is just saying he is frustrated that when I am working 35hrs a week and he is working 70 that I can’t clean the house or empty the garbage or plan the meals ect..
      Normally I agree, but I am WAY more exausted then he is giving me credit for..I am not just me, I am me at nearly 7 months pregnant, it’s differant. I need to relax and sleep more. Grr.

  6. Really? I mean, REALLY? I think he needs to be a woman for a week, and a pregnant one at that. We’ll throw him in his 3rd trimester, where your body feels like it doesn’t even belong to you and you have heartburn from hell and you are peeing ALL THE TIME to the point where if you never see a toilet again it will be too soon.
    On to seriousness, is there maybe a counselor you can take him to and talk things out with, or even a midwife? “Hi, my hubby thinks I’m full of shit,” kind of thing? I just don’t understand why he would EVER think you’re milking being pregnant and maybe not really having joint and si pain and back pain, maybe not being totally exhausted all the time… grr.
    I don’t know Dave but I am angry with him right now. You sound waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less demanding than most pregnant women I know. He’s lucky that you aren’t having an otherwise complicated pregnancy, like being on bedrest from 12 weeks to the end. Because THAT would really suck.

    • I know, I mentioned the bedrest thing and said how you even manage that, and that he should be greatful I am mobile.
      Bottom line he is usually a very rational and supportive husband, so I don’t want to give him to much flack,but this hit me hard and is making me feel really sad, however, he means enough to me that I want to work past it.
      I feel like he should a few pregnancy books to better understand that I am 100% not milking it, and he is lucky I am as calm as I am. I have to remember that he went through loosing Evan as well, and he is scared as I am, and he is working ALOT because we need the money so rational or not, he is feeling what he is feeling and I appreciate that he want’s to talk about it all, I just wish it would have gone down differantly then it did.

      • that’s true, hes probably really stressed and worried as well. he just shouldn’t accuse you of.. well, basically pretending pregnancy is a pain in the but, because omg it is. he also needs to realize thats a very hurtful thing to say to a pregnant woman lol.
        you guys will work through it. you’ve made it through so much already, why stop now? again, only what, 10 1/2 more weeks? lol.

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