Had a bad Sunday night and it sucks. I was stressed all weekend because of the pain in my SI, it’s an anxiety trigger for me because it’s some the sharpest memories I have of the last days pregnant with Evan and the horrible, mind numbing pain. I have not been sleeping well, dealing with stillbirth anxiety and constant pain/discomfort, financial stress with mat leave looming and guilt over the housework I can’t get done but a tiny bit at a time.
As we were sitting around, I could smell the tension off Dave. I looked over his shoulder at his laptop and he snapped at me to mind my own business, to which I replied, what is your problem do you have something to hide? This opened the pathway for hurricaine Dave. He laid into me, how he is frustrated trying to do everything around here so I don’t hurt my back, how he feel’s like he is responsible for everything and I am not doing my part, ect…..Bottom line is he feel’s I am taking advantage of my pregnancy to make excuses for letting things slip and letting my memory lap, and he is feeling unapreciated and unsuported. He says it’s the little things that matter, like remember to fill the butter dish when it’s empty or having dinner ready when he get’s home from work half an hour after me, and that I am not doing them which to him makes me seem selfish. He says that if memory REALLY is an issue in pregnancy then I should be writting things down to remind myself instead of just saying sorry I forgot over and over.
I was heartbroken, devastated and hurt, before I could even talk about it I spent 3 hours bawling in bed in the dark, so hurt. Maybe I am being selfish and didn’t notice, but it isn’t on purpose and certainly is not a slight on my part. I feel like my head is in the clouds and some days I walking the fine line of depression. I feel like I am 27 weeks pregnant, working full time in an emotionally demanding counselling job, comming home to a dog and cat’s that also need me to feed them, clean up after them, love them, tidying the house, getting things ready for dinner so that when Dave arrives he can cook (he is a WAY better cook then me, and has always cooked most of our meals, but I guess he dosen’t want to anymore I learned last night, so I will take over the cooking) then tiddying up after dinner and it’s 8pm before I finally get 2 hours of downtime and I am exausted. Add to this that my back/groin/SI has been killing me for the past 3 weeks, then the whole stillbirth phobia, keeping track of my appointments with a doctor, perinatal specialist, physiotherapist, ultrasounds, vitamins and blood thinners and I just feel like I have not an ounce left in my brain for everything. It dosen’t surprise me that I am forgetting things. I told him I felt he expected to much of me, and I remember having this same fight when I was pregnant with Evan (and I didn’t have nearly as much to worry about then). I am not like this usually, but he can’t expect me to be the same person pregnant that I was non-pregnant (or can he?)
He said I have become selfish and seem to be only worrying about me. I admitted this is true, my health and this baby’s health has been my utmost top concern, as I said keeping track of everything, appointment, shot schedule, doing my physio exercices, and I told him my midwife has assured me that in the end of pregnancy it is perfectly normal for a women to retreat to an inner place and become self centred.
I will try to make more of an effort, but I am deeply upset by this whole thing and it makes me wonder if I really do want to do go through this a third time. Yes I want two living children, but it seem’s to me my husband and I have more discord when I am pregnant then any other time and I wonder if it’s me who does change so very much or if it’s just unrealistic expectation at his end. I listen to ladies on my due date club talk about their husbands rubbing their soar back and hips and jaunting out into the night to fill some odd cravings, I have never expected nor received any of this.
Anyhow, the bottom line is, he told me loves me and wants to be supportive but is feeling frustrated and like I am often milking my condition. I have to respect how he feels, because that is how he feels, bottom line. He is feeling that way for a reason and I don’t know the root of it. He is a very good husband so I am not angry at him or resentful, mostly just really hurt and confused. I can’t even imagine how this would play out if we had Evan and were expecting a sibling. I don’t know you women do it, grow a baby, raise the kids, care for the pets, keep the house and please your husband, I just can’t imagine.
I know we need to be intimate more then 3 or 4 times a month, especially when he is used to 3 or 4 times a week, but again, I am just not feeling well, my back is soar, I am exausted, I threw up 4 times this weekend from this cough I have, and when I feel unsupported or resented that is a HUGE turnoff, so am I supposed to fake it? Anyday I feel great and am happy, I have been making an effort toward intimacy (hence the once a week above) but I bet this would help lift the tension, he always seems so much happier afterwards.
Today I am just feeling like a lousy wife on top of all the other crap going on, and I will spend the day mulling it over in my mind and debating what I can do to help the situation. I want him to be happy within reason, so if there is anything else I can do I want do.
Anyways, for anyone who knows him in real life, hush up, if he knew I was blogging about this I think he would be kill me 🙂 it’s under my super private filter.