Feelings overwhelm me…
We are doing this discussion/reading group at work called "The Purpose Driven Life", it was optional. I decided to opt in just to see what I could learn. I am of the mindset that there is always room to grow and learn, take what works and leave the rest. I am a retired Catholic now a more liberal spiritual (i.e able to find/feel the spiritual common grounds in all religions and feel God through human beings and life in general). Anyways, some things I have come to discover is that it dosen’t matter if I am in a Catholic church, a community centre, a workplace lunch room, a pagan ritual circle or my own bedroom..The Source, The Holy Spirit, God, the God’s…whatever that entity is called to you, feels the same. The same energy overcomes me, the same warmth and light and just feeling of being surrounded and not alone, it always brings me to tears because it just such an overwhelming feeling of love and purity. So for the purpose of this entry I will just reffer to this entity as God, re-adjust it in your mind to represent whatever you choose.
I think this is why Jenn’s Catty song "Held" hits me so deep. I am not Christian, I know this 100%, it’s just not the right label for me. However, I am a child of God and I have felt that presence with me almost my whole life. I KNOW beyond a reason of a doubt that there is something there holding us up, helping us through the dark times, providing us with the support to face another day, with the ability to see forward even just a glimpse. I knew at my darkest moment with Evan that his death was something I would survive somehow, and someday understand and I think that is what kept me going. I just felt it in my core. I walked a fine line between light and dark in those days. I felt truly like this experience could shatter me and make me hate everything and everyone, or it could make me stronger and more greatful for what I still had.
Anyways-Today’s discussion centred around God’s Will for us. I got a bit overwhelmed and upset to be honest. There was talk of everything happening because God wills it so, and God disciplines the one’s he loves.
"I have found a place of ‘almost peace’ with Evan’s death and why this could happen to me. I found the book When Bad Things Happen To Good People very helpful in that process and my way of looking at God’s role in his death."
The discussion today was back and forth around this. Around how isn’t it possible that God dosen’t will bad things to happen to good people, or to people in general, but rather dosen’t intervene because these things have to happen for one reason or another. For instance, why would a compasionate God allow an innocent child to suffer and die? To discipline that child’s parents for not being Christian enough? or good enough people in general? or is it possible that those parents just had to live through that experience in order to become the people they were fated to be? or even isen’t it possible that was the child’s destiny? that they had to live and die that way for some bigger purpose we just can’t understand?
I realise the bottom line is that it’s impossible to fully understand such things, but I cannot find it in my heart to believe that Evan’s death was to dicipline Dave or I for stepping out of line somehow, is this also the case with us loosing our fathers young? I rather choose to believe his death was fated and needed to happen, and that God did not just enjoy sitting back and watching me suffer through it, but rather sat back because it had to happen and hoped that one day I would be able to forgive and understand that stance and be a more understanding person because of it.
Being weeks away from delivering my second baby, I am hyper-emotional. I am hyper-aware. I am also hyper-terrifed but hyper-hopeful that I will get to bring a baby home this time. I felt an overwhelming presence in the room today during our discussion. To close we were to give thanks for whatever we wanted to give thanks for. I said I am thankful for the ability to still be a happy and possitive person despite the trauma I have been through, and that I am thankful for my health and the ability mentality and physically to help the daughter in my womb feel loved and desired. I know easy it could be for me to push her away, to not allow myself to become attached in order to protect myself if she dies. However, I also know that would not be fair to her, she deserves as much love as her brother got and I choose to make sure she get’s it.
Then I came to my office and cried. I can tell the next 7-9 weeks and beyond will be deeply difficult and emotional for me, my heart is so fragile at this stage.