Feelings overwhelm me…

We are doing this discussion/reading group at work called "The Purpose Driven Life", it was optional. I decided to opt in just to see what I could learn. I am of the mindset that there is always room to grow and learn, take what works and leave the rest. I am a retired Catholic now a more liberal spiritual (i.e able to find/feel the spiritual common grounds in all religions and feel God through human beings and life in general). Anyways, some things I have come to discover is that it dosen’t matter if I am in a Catholic church, a community centre, a workplace lunch room, a pagan ritual circle or my own bedroom..The Source, The Holy Spirit, God, the God’s…whatever that entity is called to you, feels the same. The same energy overcomes me, the same warmth and light and just feeling of being surrounded and not alone, it always brings me to tears because it just such an overwhelming feeling of love and purity. So for the purpose of this entry I will just reffer to this entity as God, re-adjust it in your mind to represent whatever you choose.

I think this is why Jenn’s Catty song "Held" hits me so deep. I am not Christian, I know this 100%, it’s just not the right label for me. However, I am a child of God and I have felt that presence with me almost my whole life. I KNOW beyond a reason of a doubt that there is something there holding us up, helping us through the dark times, providing us with the support to face another day, with the ability to see forward even just a glimpse. I knew at my darkest moment with Evan that his death was something I would survive somehow, and someday understand and I think that is what kept me going. I just felt it in my core. I walked a fine line between light and dark in those days. I felt truly like this experience could shatter me and make me hate everything and everyone, or it could make me stronger and more greatful for what I still had.

Anyways-Today’s discussion centred around God’s Will for us. I got a bit overwhelmed and upset to be honest. There was talk of everything happening because God wills it so, and God disciplines the one’s he loves.

"I have found a place of ‘almost peace’ with Evan’s death and why this could happen to me. I found the book When Bad Things Happen To Good People very helpful in that process and my way of looking at God’s role in his death."

The discussion today was back and forth around this. Around how isn’t it possible that God dosen’t will bad things to happen to good people, or to people in general, but rather dosen’t intervene because these things have to happen for one reason or another. For instance, why would a compasionate God allow an innocent child to suffer and die? To discipline that child’s parents for not being Christian enough? or good enough people in general? or is it possible that those parents just had to live through that experience in order to become the people they were fated to be? or even isen’t it possible that was the child’s destiny? that they had to live and die that way for some bigger purpose we just can’t understand?

I realise the bottom line is that it’s impossible to fully understand such things, but I cannot find it in my heart to believe that Evan’s death was to dicipline Dave or I for stepping out of line somehow, is this also the case with us loosing our fathers young? I rather choose to believe his death was fated and needed to happen, and that God did not just enjoy sitting back and watching me suffer through it, but rather sat back because it had to happen and hoped that one day I would be able to forgive and understand that stance and be a more understanding person because of it.

Being weeks away from delivering my second baby, I am hyper-emotional. I am hyper-aware. I am also hyper-terrifed but hyper-hopeful that I will get to bring a baby home this time. I felt an overwhelming presence in the room today during our discussion. To close we were to give thanks for whatever we wanted to give thanks for. I said I am thankful for the ability to still be a happy and possitive person despite the trauma I have been through, and that I am thankful for my health and the ability mentality and physically to help the daughter in my womb feel loved and desired. I know easy it could be for me to push her away, to not allow myself to become attached in order to protect myself if she dies. However, I also know that would not be fair to her, she deserves as much love as her brother got and I choose to make sure she get’s it.

Then I came to my office and cried. I can tell the next 7-9 weeks and beyond will be deeply difficult and emotional for me, my heart is so fragile at this stage.

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 25, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. I read the book When bad things happen to good people as well and it really helped me.IDK, some days I believe that my daughter’s death was not something God meant to happen but it’s just the result of human error in my opinion, i don’t like to talk about it, but there were signs that should have been realized, there were things that i think could have been done so that she didn’t die.
    ill never know

    • That’s just it. We can never know.
      Thing is that even if they had caught it, there is just never any guarantee’s. My pregnancy with Evan was uncomplicated, no reason for any health care practioner to panic and he died anyways. I know a little girl here who was born premature and has heart problems and yet she is thriving. You just never know. It’s such a scary world sometimes.

  2. You are much stronger in living through such a profound pain – and you will be so much stronger a mother for Evangeline!

    • Thanks.
      It’s weird, ya know, I feel stronger and yet way more broken all at once. I imagine you can understand based on your own difficulties in life, though differant, that these struggles give us both..strength and broken bits..
      One thing is for sure, I will never ever ever take life or motherhood for granted again.
      On another note πŸ™‚ Nice Icon and yeay! Glee. Can’t wait. Wish they would put it on at 9pm now instead of 10pm since Top Model is done, I find it so hard to stay up til 11pm these days, but I force myself up for Glee this one night a week haha.
      I am so loving that show.

  3. I love this post and feel really lucky to have met you in time to share it.
    Thank you so much.

  4. I am a christian and I think you are spot on. I can’t believe that God enjoys seeing us suffer. But sometimes He doesn’t step in to prevent it because that suffering has to happen for some reason or other that is beyond our understanding right now. I can’t imagine how nerve wracking this all must be right now. I can only pray that when the time comes, you get to come home with your beautiful little girl in your arms. *hugs*

    • Glad you are of the same mindset. People were on both sides today. It’s painful for me, even if I don’t believe it, to think Evan’s death was my fault, or something I did. I know that isen’t the case, but I am just emotional enough that the concept was enough to overwhelm me.
      Thanks for listening.

  5. Thank you – to you! For this post… I am right on that fine line that you describe in the beginning of your post. I really have hope to be like you, maybe somewhere next year: pregnant again and hopeful. Maybe that’s even the only hope I have right now – taking you as an example.
    It’s alright to cry. This IS hard! I just imagine how scared you must be… I(!) can’t garantee anything, but I hope with you, with all my heart, that soon Evangeline is safely in your hands, and that your fears can be put away.
    *Hug*

    • Your welcome hun, if my own struggles can help someone else overcome their or survive then at least that have done some good.
      I can say I never ‘Recovered’ from Evan’s death, I survived it. I am traumatized by those first weeks, I still can’t fully go there, and when I do I cry buckets, it’s so dark and painful. I hate remembering how hopeless and lost and empty I felt as I lay in bed day in and day out wondering why I had to live on without my boy. Those were the worst days of my life and I think I am so scared of them that I just had to move on, cause I couldn’t stay there. It’s a mess.
      I am terrified. So terrified in fact I almost can’t go there, so I keep saying she will be here cause I don’t know what I will do if she isen’t. I have been so afraid, afraid how another loss would impact my marriage. It took me weeks to gather the courage to talk to my husband about these fears. He says he wouldn’t leave but he dosen’t want to talk about the possibility of another loss either, he is just as scared as I am. He is right that the odd’s are strongly in our favour, that this wee one is healthy and perfect, as was Evan and that it is rare to have a cord accident occur twice. Somehow though, the odd’s don’t seem to matter when you are on the other side of them.
      Hug to you as well.

      • I know you are terrified, and ofcourse so is Dave.. How could you two NOT be terrified? But at the same time you keep your spirits high, and that’s needed. So you’re doing an amazing job!
        I know it’s really easier said than done, but try to not think of the ‘what if’s’.. if you feel them coming, spill them out here, on LJ. It’s absolutely normal you are having these fears, even in a factor 10 or 100 compared to other people, but don’t allow them to win over- talk about them, spill them out. I am pretty sure people will understand you.
        From what I can see you have a very solid relationship with your husband. I am not quite sure why he’d leave you, IF something would happen. I can understand your fear that a second loss could be too much too handle for both of you, but let’s not think like that – afterall so far there is no reason why Evangeline would not come home with you.

  6. I don’t think any Christian would EVER tell you that you lost Evan because God was disciplining you for something you did wrong. That is just not how it works.
    Did you ever read the book “The Shack”? I don’t know if it would be the best read right now for you since you are pregnant and so very emotional, and it’s an extremely difficult read emotionally. But it is truly amazing. I really recommend you read it sometime.

    • Sadly, you would be surprised some of things people say. Not everyone has their head out of their ass. That’s a whole other rant.
      Anyhow, that book sounds incredible and now I almost want to read it, sad or not. I have to go back to the place of my worse nightmare soon, the delivery unit at the local hospital were I delivered my son. Anyhow, if not now I will certainly read it soon.

      • It really is an extraordinary book. And look, only six dollars! πŸ™‚
        I don’t know if it would be harder to read it now when you’re pregnant and emotional, or after you have your daughter in your arms! Either way, it’s very sad, but so worth it.

  7. I don’t think you’d be human to feel any other way- emotional most esp. now. ((hugs))

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