Last day with co-workers

My last official day working is Monday, but we are all taking shifts next week, 1 each, so today was my last formal day with most of my co-workers for at least the next year. Today was also our staff party. I didn’t expect anything, but should have known. A very sweet co-worker Jennifer had gathered funds toward a gift card and had people signing a card for me. She gave this big speech in front of 30 co-workers about how much I will be missed but how happy they all are for Dave and I, then they presented me with a $100.00 mall card good for any store in the entire shopping complex and a card everyone had signed. I was so overwhelmed my hands were shaking, how sweet and generous of them. Perfect for picking up the last minute stuff I need for baby Evangeline. I feel so blessed today, and very bittersweet at saying goodbye to these people I worked closely with every day for the past year and half. I just feel sorta lost, I guess until Evangeline is here cause work was a big part of my life, I feel like I could still easily work another 2-3 weeks. My doctors think I should relax and rest up haha.

It’s left in a sorta weird mood, the closer it get’s to her arrival date and things change, the more weird my mood’s get. Guess it’s partly fear cause that last time I went on Mat leave things didn’t go so well. I have poured myself into my career to help move through Evan’s loss, and now I am right back at square one, where I started, sitting at home and waiting for this baby to make her entance into our lives. At least this time I will have loads of doctors appointment and biophysicals to keep me busy, plus a deffinate finite date..with Evan it just went on and on…with Evan however, there was no fear..just impatience at his stubborness with getting out.. 

Almost there. how wonderful, terrifying, scary, happy and very sad. What a mixed bag, I can’t even fathom what I will be feeling the day I go in to have her..or the first time I look at her. I am so happy and yet so afraid for my own mental well-being when the pain of first seeing Evan floods back. My poor sweet boy, born lifeless into my arms after 42 healthy weeks in my belly. How can one ever really and fully come back from that. All I can do is pour my love into his sister and hope that I am spared that agony this time.

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 18, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    Hang in there, mama. When things get hard, just know you have a support system in place and many people who love you.

    • Thank You ❤
      It’s one of those things…the death of a child is so painful and all consuming that you never fully deal with all of it. You think you are ok, then BAM it socks you in the guts again. It’s scary how deep the pain runs, and yet the hope and love for Evangeline runs runs just as deep.

  2. Just wanted to say that I think you are such an amazing person. Evangeline is a lucky little girl to have a mommy who loves her so much and you are going to be able to tell her that yourself very soon.

    • Thanks..I guess amazing people are made out of extreme circumstance, cause I feel as though I have not had a say, I just am…If I could, I would choose to be a weak person and have Evan somedays..otherdays I accept that I am what I am and it’s supposed to be this way..

  3. It must be very strange and difficult for you to go through this pregnancy and think about her coming home with you. How bittersweet each moment is. And how much guilt you can feel for wanting to fully enjoy every moment with her, yet having the memory of Evan always there to remind you of how things do not always go as planned.
    Hang in there Mama, you are going to need to take it inch by inch these new couple of weeks. you have a lot of emotional ups and downs to get through:a busy week preparing for Christmas, the anniversary of loosing Evan, a family holiday, a week of visiting friends and family, Bringing in a new year, wishing again this year that the drama in your lives takes a break, and then getting ready to welcome a pink chubby baby girl in your home. It’s going to be hard and exciting and sad and over joyous but I imagine it’s also going to take a lot out of you. Rest and relax as you get the opportunities and remember you have more love then you know what to do with from your friends and all of your family. Vent on us and remember to be good to yourself. Make *the voice in your head* take it easy on you for the next little while. You are going to do amazingly!!!

    • That’s just it exactly Colleen, it’s so much happening all at once, which is good and bad. Good cause it keep’s me busy, bad cause I am around everyone and can’t be a hermit and I am scared to be around everyone, most who haven’t seen me pregnant with her, and they are all so optimistic and upbeat and I smile along but my heart sinks a little..cause like…what if she dosen’t make it…I felt SO horrible after loosing Evan when so many had their hearts set on him. Oy!

  4. *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*
    I can imagine how tough it is! At least work was able to keep you busy. Always thinking of you and praying for you and hubby and Evangeline.

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