Last day with co-workers
My last official day working is Monday, but we are all taking shifts next week, 1 each, so today was my last formal day with most of my co-workers for at least the next year. Today was also our staff party. I didn’t expect anything, but should have known. A very sweet co-worker Jennifer had gathered funds toward a gift card and had people signing a card for me. She gave this big speech in front of 30 co-workers about how much I will be missed but how happy they all are for Dave and I, then they presented me with a $100.00 mall card good for any store in the entire shopping complex and a card everyone had signed. I was so overwhelmed my hands were shaking, how sweet and generous of them. Perfect for picking up the last minute stuff I need for baby Evangeline. I feel so blessed today, and very bittersweet at saying goodbye to these people I worked closely with every day for the past year and half. I just feel sorta lost, I guess until Evangeline is here cause work was a big part of my life, I feel like I could still easily work another 2-3 weeks. My doctors think I should relax and rest up haha.
It’s left in a sorta weird mood, the closer it get’s to her arrival date and things change, the more weird my mood’s get. Guess it’s partly fear cause that last time I went on Mat leave things didn’t go so well. I have poured myself into my career to help move through Evan’s loss, and now I am right back at square one, where I started, sitting at home and waiting for this baby to make her entance into our lives. At least this time I will have loads of doctors appointment and biophysicals to keep me busy, plus a deffinate finite date..with Evan it just went on and on…with Evan however, there was no fear..just impatience at his stubborness with getting out..
Almost there. how wonderful, terrifying, scary, happy and very sad. What a mixed bag, I can’t even fathom what I will be feeling the day I go in to have her..or the first time I look at her. I am so happy and yet so afraid for my own mental well-being when the pain of first seeing Evan floods back. My poor sweet boy, born lifeless into my arms after 42 healthy weeks in my belly. How can one ever really and fully come back from that. All I can do is pour my love into his sister and hope that I am spared that agony this time.