My boy..

Missing Evan so hard this week. He would have been 2 on Thursday, instead I will visit his grave and bring him a wreath. Life can be so unfair.

Today I went through his memory box. I held the little blue stuffed bear that I took everywere with me after his death and I bawled. I didn’t want to leave the house after his death cause it felt like his spirit was there, in his room. So I took that bear with me everywhere, my little piece of Evan. Then  I looked though the sympathy cards everyone sent,  some I didn’t even remember getting from  and [info]reno_shelbu  and again I cried and cried. I think most days it’s like I forget that this is my life, my reality. I forget what I went through, or at least I forget how despretly aweful it was. I can’t believe I live with that in my heart everyday, when I go there the pain is so overwhelming. Remembering those early days home with empty arms, breasts leaking, bleeding, post partum stitches, empty nursery, no hope in sight. Those are truly the most horrible days of my entire life, the beggining of the childless mother years. 

I am so greatful my marriage survived and we are expecting a little sister for Evan. I am so greatful for my small loving family, and the dreaming twitching puppy laying on the couch next to me. My heart has come a long way, but still has eons of healing to do.  

I miss my boy, I love my girl. Parenting is hard enough without the stillbirth factor, sigh!

About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 20, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. no words…only understanding and a cyber hug for you!! be gentle with yourself my friend!!!

  2. ((((((((((((((((((((((all my love)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    We’re on an airplane most of the day Thursday, but Evan and you and Dave and Evangeline will be in my heart, flying with me. ❤

  3. Yes, living with loss becomes a part of you, it also becomes part of your experiences as a parent to future children. Reading your entry reminded me so much of the early days after Abby’s death – oh my, how we survived such a loss is beyond me, but we did. Your arms will soon be full again, and sweet Evangeline will have double the love bestowed on her, and likely many bittersweet tears 🙂

    • Thanks, I know you understand. The days are so differant, it’s like you never know what’s around the next corner, however, I do expect this time of the year to be hard so I am never shocked.

  4. that must be terribly hard for you to revisit and constantly think about. you are doing so well though. I know that we don’t know each other outside of lj land, but I’m so proud of you. You are so incredibly strong. If it were me, and my baby were stillborn…. I know myself, and I’d probably be a drug addicted mess. You have come so far in the healing process and it amazes me.
    Evan is going to be with you wherever you go- you’re his mama 🙂
    Evangeline is so lucky to have you and Dave as her parents, too.

  5. ((hugs)) Just wanted to know I was thinking of you on this anniversary coming up. I’m sure Evan would have made an awesome big brother.
    Take care momma.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Gluten Free Girl and the Chef


%d bloggers like this: