Missing Evan so hard this week. He would have been 2 on Thursday, instead I will visit his grave and bring him a wreath. Life can be so unfair.
Today I went through his memory box. I held the little blue stuffed bear that I took everywere with me after his death and I bawled. I didn’t want to leave the house after his death cause it felt like his spirit was there, in his room. So I took that bear with me everywhere, my little piece of Evan. Then I looked though the sympathy cards everyone sent, some I didn’t even remember getting from and reno_shelbu and again I cried and cried. I think most days it’s like I forget that this is my life, my reality. I forget what I went through, or at least I forget how despretly aweful it was. I can’t believe I live with that in my heart everyday, when I go there the pain is so overwhelming. Remembering those early days home with empty arms, breasts leaking, bleeding, post partum stitches, empty nursery, no hope in sight. Those are truly the most horrible days of my entire life, the beggining of the childless mother years.
I am so greatful my marriage survived and we are expecting a little sister for Evan. I am so greatful for my small loving family, and the dreaming twitching puppy laying on the couch next to me. My heart has come a long way, but still has eons of healing to do.
I miss my boy, I love my girl. Parenting is hard enough without the stillbirth factor, sigh!