At this time 2 years ago..

I was in full blown labour with Evan and about 1.5 hours from finding out his heart had stopped beating. Worst day of my life. I wish I could remember how he felt and looked clearly. I write about his soft fat cheeks but I don’t remember them anymore.

I love you Evan, son of my heart. I know you are at peace wherever you are and I hope you are remembering us, your mom and dad at this time of year, and always. ❤
 


 

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 24, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. You’re in my thoughts. Christmas day is three months exact since Christopher Robin was stillborn and that I thought was cruel enough. To lose Evan on Christmas eve is the worst kind of tragedy. He was such a life inside you and is so precious still. I am so sorry for the awful magnitude of your loss and sincerely hope that you are welcoming a strong and healthy Evangeline in just a few shirt weeks.
    Much, much love.

  2. My thoughts are with you… hugs.

  3. Ahhh, sweetie. (((tears))). Thinking of you.

  4. My heart and thoughts are always with you Jaime. Sending you strength, prayers and love. ♥ *HUGS*

  5. *hugs* I thought about Evan a lot today, I was at work and saw an acquaintance who is about to have a baby any day now. She and her husband are homeless and staying in a cheap hotel and they plan to do an unassisted homebirth, with their three year old there and no one else. I had to hold my tongue as best I could, I just wanted to say, “Don’t you know that babies do die?!” because Evan was on my mind and all. I feel so much more cautious about it all after what happened to you guys.
    I hope you are having a good Christmas. You deserve to have a good holiday.

    • I know. Sigh. Well all you can do in life is worry about yourself I guess. So many babies have irregular heartbeat because of cord compression, 99% of them are fine because you have someone to assist by removing the pressure as the baby crowns, otherwise there might be more tragedies like ours.
      Ah well; thanks for thinking of us.

  6. thinking of you all day long, jaime. i still cannot fathom a loss on the holiday, it’s extra cruel and unusual punishment on something already cruel and unusual.
    your boy is so sweet, now that i have met you IRL, i have to say i think he is a tiny, mini perfect dave!!!
    i’m just so sorry, but also so happy you have hope growing inside you in the form of his sweet little sister, and i hope she brought with you comfort and peace today, in the midst of the sorrow, as eli did with me my 2nd xmas without catti.
    all my love.

  7. hugs… Thinking about you guys

  8. He looks so peaceful.

  9. so heartbreaking, this effing thing called babydeath…..it stops me in my tracks everytime I’m painfully reminded of the devastation of it….and today I weep tears of grief for you and little beautiful Evan….and for all that we were robbed of when our precious babies were taken too soon….may you find a place of peace today as you remember his too brief life….

  10. And he is a beautiful boy

  11. Love you sweetie!Thinking about you both.

  12. You and Evan are in our thoughts and prayers today.

  13. You’ll be in my thoughts today, Jaime. I’m sending you love and strength to get through the day.

  14. i’ll be thinking of you today.

  15. Evan would be over two feet tall by now. He would have dark eyes, to go along with his dark hair, not as dark as when he was born, but a deep rich brown. His cheeks would still be very (*very*) chubby, and his chin dimpled, even more so when he smiles, and his eyes would disappear when he laughed, crinkled right up with his little button nose. He would be keeping you very busy running and opening everything that he could get his hands on and taking apart what ever he could get apart! He would be eating everything by now, and eating lots of it!! He would be like his father, and always prefer the richer choices of food: creamy, cheesy, thick sauces and dark meats. But of course he would be eating everything offered to him, he wouldn’t be picky. He would be getting his first black eye soon, after falling over trying to walk in his new winter boots and snow suit, he’ll have found the only piece of ice in the back year and smash his face against it. (he would be have been so much like his dad!) He would cry but only for a little while, just long enough for you to get to him and scoop him up in your arms and kiss him and hug him and swing him around until his tears stopped and he started to laugh at his funny Mama.
    Oh Jaime, he misses you and the life he wanted to have with you just as much and you both miss him…. it will always be painful that you don’t get to hold him and teach him and snuggle and comfort him. But his sister will do everything she can do help with that, she will need double the snuggles, because she knows that’s what her Mama needs. Evan is going to be a big part of her life. She will know him, he will be there with you all as you grow as a family. He will always be your first, your boy, Evangeline’s big brother. xoxoxo Love you and wish you peace this Yule season, be sure in knowing this is your last as a childless mother, next Christmas will be filled with little stockings and Santa presents!

  16. Thinking of you today Jaime. I can’t imagine it being Christmas and missing your baby, as well as it being your baby’s angelversary. I too wish we would have met under better circumstances. Watching you go through this pregnancy with Evangeline is giving me hope and I know I too will be welcoming a living baby in a few short months.
    Thinking of you and your family today.

  17. ((((((((((((((((((((((love)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  18. PS I hopé your visit to see Evan is full of peace and love, mama. I know how hard it is to cherish the memory of your firstborn while nurturing your second child’s life in your belly; so bittersweet and confusing and fucking scary too 😦
    I love you, friend, and hope this day is gentle with your heart.

  19. Oh Jaime, it just doesn’t get any easier, even after two years 😦 I’m sending you all of my love today, Jaime. I’ve been thinking of all of you, especially Evan, since I woke up this morning and saw the date.
    I am so thankful and so blessed to have met and known you for the past two years, but will always wish the circumstances under which wed met had never occurred.
    Kisses and cuddles up to Evan, I’ll always remember you, sweet little boy ❤

  20. The anniversaries are so hard, the holidays without our sweet babies can be even harder, doing both at once is more than anyone should have to face. I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sorry that Christmas will forever be tinged with sadness.
    “The holiday season’s return
    makes throb now the wounds
    we felt at their parting..”

    When I read this poem, I thought of you:
    A Christmas Card for Robbie
    by Kathleen Paley Smith
    It’s the night before Christmas, we’re all filled with joy,
    Except when we think of you, little boy.
    The stockings are hung by the chimney with care,
    And in our hearts it’s as if you were here.
    My children are sleeping, in their bedrooms they lie,
    But we’re still filled with grief for our baby that died.
    You see, this Christmas you would have been two,
    But every Christmas I know we’ll miss you.
    As I wrap up the presents my thought are on you,
    And what we’d have bought if you were here, too.
    A car, a ball, a red fire truck?
    Or maybe a rabbit’s foot to bring you good luck.
    The tree is all trimmed with bright colored balls,
    And decorations hang on all of the walls.
    It looks so pretty – – I wonder if you see
    Your Christmas ball we’ve hung on the tree.
    I made it for you before you were here,
    Not knowing I’d hang it with eyes filled with tears.
    Tomorrow is Christmas, I’ll try not to be sad;
    I’ll count all my blessings and try to be glad,
    You’ve not a part of our future – – you were a part of our past
    And someday I know we’ll be together at last.

    http://www.bereavement-poems-articles.com/poems/holiday/103-card-for-robbie.php

  21. I never had anything special with Christmas, and so I thought it wouldn’t be any more or less of a sucky day to me, but I must say that it’s harder than I expected, to be an empty-handed mom at times like these. I can only imagine how hard it must be to you, who lost your son the very day before christmas…
    I really, really hope that next christmas will be more joy than sadness, though, with Evangeline making a playful mess for two. 😀
    *very big hug*

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