Selfish or self preserving…

Why does this shit KEEP HAPPENING…
When I have no resources left to spare, when I am exausted and drawn out to nothing, drama all around.
When Evan died, my step father of 17 years was having an affair and it all came to light and my mom left him weeks after Evan’s funeral. I was numb, I had just burried my child, but for anyone who know’s my mom, they know she is needy, I have always been the adult in that relationship, I have always been expected to take care of my mother. Seriously. I spent like 20 million hours on the phone with her consolling her when I was an emotional disaster myself.

Example 2-Last week, my first week on maternity leave from my job as an employment counsellor, she calls me and asks me to write her a cover letter and apply for this job for her. I was fuming, cause I have taught her how like 100 times, but she sucks me in each time. I always do it of course cause I feel bad, so maybe I am the sucker.

Example 3- She made me charge a bunch of crap for her to my Sears card when I was in University and promised to pay it off and never did. I trusted she was paying it, then when I was home for Christmas I got a call from collections to her house saying I was 6 months behind on payments, I was furious and got bad credit because of her irresponsibility, and when I asked her about it she just got all wishy washy and tried to make excuses.

I went through years of therapy and eating disorders and hating myself so much because she didn’t love herself or me the way we were. I moved to Toronto, started my own life for 8 years and grew so much. Now I am back home and it’s back to the same old crap. It’s just never ending, but that was the past and this is the current sooo…

She just emailed me and left me a voice mail while I was out, crying and saying her and her man broke up and she needs me and want’s come and spend time with me before the baby arrives. Selfish as this might sound, I am writting this before I even call her back. She was supposed to come for 10 days after the baby came and I was dreading that cause after 3-4 days I get fed up and need space. I REALLY wanted this time before she came to be alone, Dave will be at work and I will have the house to myself. I wanted to nest and rest and relax.
She will come, she will be depresed, she will ask me a million and one counsellor type questions, why, what did she do, what could she have done differant ect…This is what I do for a living and I have NO ENERGY to spare right now, that is why I am on maternity leave.
I might sound hateful, or ungreatful but this has been my whole..fucking..life..Seriously, Dave fully get’s it, he has a hard time taking her in large doses as well. She has the lowest self esteem on the planet and obesseses about everything until it’s wrung dry.

I am not even surprised she and this guy broke up, everytime something went wrong she threatened to leave, maybe he just finally had enough of the threats.

What to do?…the sad thing is I will always do what she asks. I am her only daughter. I so just wanted time alone for a week or so.
Whatever,  I should call her, it’s the human thing to do. I feel so terrible, and yet it’s my guilt that always makes me be there for her. She was never there for me..She barely brings up Evan.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on January 3, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Just wanted to say I don’t think makes you seem selfish or ungreatful at all… I hope everything works out with your mother.

  2. SAY NO!!!! She is not allowed in your house!!! That’s not selfish, it is absolutely self preservation, do NOT let your self be guilty or worse, get guilt tripped into letting her take over this amazingly precious time between you and Evangeline. (And I’d also say you’d be better off making her limit her PP stay, too…)

    (I can so relate, my mom and Mike’s mom are both self centered — in different ways, but OH MY GOSH!!!! I am always wanting to yell at them to grow up already and get a fricking clue!!!)
    Also, no matter what happens, you are loved and supported and can kvetch all you need to me. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

    • I know. Such stress, it’s hard on Dave too.
      I always want to say GROW UP…
      I feel so bad for her..and yet I know there is nothing much I can do to REALLY help, it’s a cycle she is stuck in and she needs like major, good therapy.

  3. you have to be selfish. it’s OK to be selfish sometimes, esp in this phase of pregnancy. please do what you need to do with and for your immediate family, for your emotional and physical health.

  4. Taking care of your is your first priority, everyone else is second. Sure you can be a good daughter but your needs right now are paramount and because you posted here first doesn’t make you selfish in the least. It’s taking care of you and your stress regarding you and your mom by venting here. If I were you I would just call her, give her a mini counselling or whatever she needs but not under any circumstances would I let her stay over until Evangeline is born. You do not need to soak up ANYONE’S stress right now if you need to nest then nest and your mom can wait. At the very least keep her at distance physically so you don’t absorb the energy surrounding her heartbreak. GRRRR, I get so mad with people that have no perspective, yeah it sucks major for your mom but your needs are more pressing! *hugs you*

    • I know..I don’t think she truly “get’s” how hard these last few weeks already are on me..I have no energy reserves left now..
      Updated post on it’s way.

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