Selfish or self preserving…
Why does this shit KEEP HAPPENING…
When I have no resources left to spare, when I am exausted and drawn out to nothing, drama all around.
When Evan died, my step father of 17 years was having an affair and it all came to light and my mom left him weeks after Evan’s funeral. I was numb, I had just burried my child, but for anyone who know’s my mom, they know she is needy, I have always been the adult in that relationship, I have always been expected to take care of my mother. Seriously. I spent like 20 million hours on the phone with her consolling her when I was an emotional disaster myself.
Example 2-Last week, my first week on maternity leave from my job as an employment counsellor, she calls me and asks me to write her a cover letter and apply for this job for her. I was fuming, cause I have taught her how like 100 times, but she sucks me in each time. I always do it of course cause I feel bad, so maybe I am the sucker.
Example 3- She made me charge a bunch of crap for her to my Sears card when I was in University and promised to pay it off and never did. I trusted she was paying it, then when I was home for Christmas I got a call from collections to her house saying I was 6 months behind on payments, I was furious and got bad credit because of her irresponsibility, and when I asked her about it she just got all wishy washy and tried to make excuses.
I went through years of therapy and eating disorders and hating myself so much because she didn’t love herself or me the way we were. I moved to Toronto, started my own life for 8 years and grew so much. Now I am back home and it’s back to the same old crap. It’s just never ending, but that was the past and this is the current sooo…
She just emailed me and left me a voice mail while I was out, crying and saying her and her man broke up and she needs me and want’s come and spend time with me before the baby arrives. Selfish as this might sound, I am writting this before I even call her back. She was supposed to come for 10 days after the baby came and I was dreading that cause after 3-4 days I get fed up and need space. I REALLY wanted this time before she came to be alone, Dave will be at work and I will have the house to myself. I wanted to nest and rest and relax.
She will come, she will be depresed, she will ask me a million and one counsellor type questions, why, what did she do, what could she have done differant ect…This is what I do for a living and I have NO ENERGY to spare right now, that is why I am on maternity leave.
I might sound hateful, or ungreatful but this has been my whole..fucking..life..Seriously, Dave fully get’s it, he has a hard time taking her in large doses as well. She has the lowest self esteem on the planet and obesseses about everything until it’s wrung dry.
I am not even surprised she and this guy broke up, everytime something went wrong she threatened to leave, maybe he just finally had enough of the threats.
What to do?…the sad thing is I will always do what she asks. I am her only daughter. I so just wanted time alone for a week or so.
Whatever, I should call her, it’s the human thing to do. I feel so terrible, and yet it’s my guilt that always makes me be there for her. She was never there for me..She barely brings up Evan.