Spent 1.5 hours on the phone with mom after posting last night. What a mess. Of course she said she wanted to come here to get away for a while, she wanted to come and spend all of January here with me and then head home in Feb and start figuring out were to go from there in terms of living arrangements. I started to cry. The more she said "I only want to come if you want me, I understand if you don’t", the more I cried, cause I felt awful with her even thinking I didn’t want her, she is my mother. She said she just didn’t know what to do with herself.
I explained I needed some ‘me’ time, and was really looking forward to having this week alone at home to rest up and prepare for baby. That I am stressed, fighting a cold and exausted, and just have no energy left to take care of her. She promised she didn’t need taking care of, just some time away from the situation to clear her head.
In the end, I kinda caved, of course. I said she should take the week to think about things and come up this weekend and we will take it from there. That gives me this week to myself and I don’t feel so horrible for turning her away completely. This could..in theory still mean mom is here for 3+ weeks. Dave is not overly happy about this, but understands. I hope it’s not as bad and I anticipate…Did I mention my house is like 800 square feet, it’s small. I just know my mother, she is going to be heartily depressed, I am way sensitive to environmental energies and I just know in my gutt this is not going to be easy. Either way, I worry about her so I am exausted, I dreamt about her all night last night. I am so sad for her, I just wish I could help her find true hapiness, but she can’t cause deep down she is not happy in herself.
Here is the story, the brief version.
My mom is hard to love, she is sweet and means well, but she has been hurt alot in life and has no trust because of it, she obesesses about things so much and it get’s to everyone around her. She has never loved her herself, ever, for as long as I can remember. After my step dad and her got dirvorced after Evan died, (He had 2 affairs over those years) She hooked up with this man Rick, a wonderful guy I really like. They have been living together in his house for just over 1 year, dating for just under 2 years. It’s been tough for them both cause they have 5 grown kids between them and two ex spouses. His Ex wife and one of his daughters are nuts, like bitch from hell nuts. They have given my mom a hard time since day 1. She would get so upset, and I would say, "Rick is good, he cannot control his ex wife or teen daughter, neither live with you so have a minimal impact in your day to day relationhsip. If you love him, then look past them at all he has to offer you each day." blah, blah blah. She can’t do that, she obsesses, bad mouthing his family all the time, it annoyed me so I knew it was annoying him also. His daughter was a complete bitch to my mom, called her a slut marriage wrecker (even though he and his wife were split for over a year when they hooked up) and said it would be her mission in life to ensure her dad leaves her. I told my mother to ignore her, she lives in freaking Calgary, other side of the country. She is just hurt by her parents divorce, she is a drug user, and is trying to hit a nerve, if you let her, she wins.
So over Christmas she was going to come home and visit her family, and she was planning on staying at her dad’s place, my mom flipped her lid. She said it was not fair of him to expect her to share a roof with a girl who disrespects her so much. Rick met her half way in that he told his daughter he really wanted her there for Christmas, but it was important that she makes an effort to respect my mother because she was also important to him. The daughter promised she would try. Then she decided not to come home for Christmas because flights were too expensive and instead she would come for a full 3 weeks in January or February. Again my mom flipped, 3 weeks, she did not want to live under the same roof with this girl for 3 weeks. Rick suggested maybe she could come stay with me during those 3 weeks, and I agreed to that. Mom did not. Why should she have to leave her own home. She just couldn’t get that he was stuck between a rock and hard place, it’s his daughter, he loves her unconditionally. She would not let it go. She brought it up like 100 times. Finally Rick got fed up because he felt he could not please either party, and was mad that she brought it up every single day hoping for a differant answer when he didn’t have another answer. So they had a bit of a fight…
Then she said she could feel the tension, she asked him if things were ok between them. He said ya, nothing they couldn’t work on. Then the next day she asked again, and he said he was having a hard time with things, but loved her and was willing to work on it. However, being my mother, she couldn’t leave it there. She kept bringing it back up. Finally he said, he loved her, but was thinking long term and was not sure things would work out down the road. He was feeling like things just are not the same and had started thinking maybe they were not meant to be. So she said I will not stay with a man who dosen’t love me unconditionally. (Again not able to understand his possition with his daughter-she wouldn’t she ALWAYS put’s her men before her kids) so she is leaving him now.
So that’s that. That is were they are. I feel like a HUGE componant of this breakup is her, her personality, traits I have been irked by for years myself, and that until she can identify these things, she will drive anyone in her life away. I have tried to explain this to her. The problem is, the more insight I try to offer, the more dependant she becomes on me. She treats me like her own personal therapist and I just can’t do it anymore.
Now-the mess. She is out of work currently, receiving unemployment in total of 1k a month. She was laid off in May from the oil company she was working for for 10 years and was not called back, so she has been looking hard for another job with little success. So she cannot afford her own place, not with rent and hydro and everything else, so I don’t know what she is going to do. I am going to suggest that since she and Rick and still on good terms, and he has a big house with many bedrooms, that she suck it up, act like an adult and stay with him a couple of months and look HARD everywhere for a job and then her own place, it seems the best solution for all since he need’s financial help paying for the house as well. It will be uncomfortable but likely the best idea. That being said my Dave’s argument is that she will not find a job from here, 3 hours away from her home. Cost of living here is more expensive then were she is and she has no friends so it makes no sense for her to just completly relocated here. I worry about her and what she will do, but Dave is right, she is 55, she should be able to figure this out for herself, this is not my job..Sigh!