Mother updates..

Spent 1.5 hours on the phone with mom after posting last night. What a mess. Of course she said she wanted to come here to get away for a while, she wanted to come and spend all of January here with me and then head home in Feb and start figuring out were to go from there in terms of living arrangements. I started to cry. The more she said "I only want to come if you want me, I understand if you don’t", the more I cried, cause I felt awful with her even thinking I didn’t want her, she is my mother. She said she just didn’t know what to do with herself.
I explained I needed some ‘me’ time, and was really looking forward to having this week alone at home to rest up and prepare for baby. That I am stressed, fighting a cold and exausted, and just have no energy left to take care of her. She promised she didn’t need taking care of, just some time away from the situation to clear her head.

In the end, I kinda caved, of course. I said she should take the week to think about things and come up this weekend and we will take it from there. That gives me this week to myself and I don’t feel so horrible for turning her away completely. This could..in theory still mean mom is here for 3+ weeks. Dave is not overly happy about this, but understands. I hope it’s not as bad and I anticipate…Did I mention my house is like 800 square feet, it’s small. I just know my mother, she is going to be heartily depressed, I am way sensitive to environmental energies and I just know in my gutt this is not going to be easy. Either way, I worry about her so I am exausted, I dreamt about her all night last night. I am so sad for her, I just wish I could help her find true hapiness, but she can’t cause deep down she is not happy in herself.

Here is the story, the brief version.
My mom is hard to love, she is sweet and means well, but she has been hurt alot in life and has no trust because of it, she obesesses about things so much and it get’s to everyone around her. She has never loved her herself, ever, for as long as I can remember. After my step dad and her got dirvorced after Evan died, (He had 2 affairs over those years) She hooked up with this man Rick, a wonderful guy I really like. They have been living together in his house for just over 1 year, dating for just under 2 years. It’s been tough for them both cause they have 5 grown kids between them and two ex spouses. His Ex wife and one of his daughters are nuts, like bitch from hell nuts. They have given my mom a hard time since day 1. She would get so upset, and I would say, "Rick is good, he cannot control his ex wife or teen daughter, neither live with you so have a minimal impact in your day to day relationhsip. If you love him, then look past them at all he has to offer you each day." blah, blah blah. She can’t do that, she obsesses, bad mouthing his family all the time, it annoyed me so I knew it was annoying him also. His daughter was a complete bitch to my mom, called her a slut marriage wrecker (even though he and his wife were split for over a year when they hooked up) and said it would be her mission in life to ensure her dad leaves her. I told my mother to ignore her, she lives in freaking Calgary, other side of the country. She is just hurt by her parents divorce, she is a drug user, and is trying to hit a nerve, if you let her, she wins.

So over Christmas she was going to come home and visit her family, and she was planning on staying at her dad’s place, my mom flipped her lid.  She said it was not fair of him to expect her to share a roof with a girl who disrespects her so much. Rick met her half way in that he told his daughter he really wanted her there for Christmas, but it was important that she makes an effort to respect my mother because she was also important to him. The daughter promised she would try. Then she decided not to come home for Christmas because flights were too expensive and instead she would come for a full 3 weeks in January or February. Again my mom flipped, 3 weeks, she did not want to live under the same roof with this girl for 3 weeks. Rick suggested maybe she could come stay with me during those 3 weeks, and I agreed to that. Mom did not. Why should she have to leave her own home. She just couldn’t get that he was stuck between a rock and hard place, it’s his daughter, he loves her unconditionally. She would not let it go. She brought it up like 100 times. Finally Rick got fed up because he felt he could not please either party, and was mad that she brought it up every single day hoping for a differant answer when he didn’t have another answer. So they had a bit of a fight…

Then she said she could feel the tension, she asked him if things were ok between them. He said ya, nothing they couldn’t work on. Then the next day she asked again, and he said he was having a hard time with things, but loved her and was willing to work on it. However, being my mother, she couldn’t leave it there. She kept bringing it back up. Finally he said, he loved her, but was thinking long term and was not sure things would work out down the road. He was feeling like things just are not the same and had started thinking maybe they were not meant to be. So she said I will not stay with a man who dosen’t love me unconditionally. (Again not able to understand his possition with his daughter-she wouldn’t she ALWAYS put’s her men before her kids) so she is leaving him now.

So that’s that. That is were they are. I feel like a HUGE componant of this breakup is her, her personality, traits I have been irked by for years myself, and that until she can identify these things, she will drive anyone in her life away. I have tried to explain this to her. The problem is, the more insight I try to offer, the more dependant she becomes on me. She treats me like her own personal therapist and I just can’t do it anymore.

Now-the mess. She is out of work currently, receiving unemployment in total of 1k a month. She was laid off in May from the oil company she was working for for 10 years and was not called back, so she has been looking hard for another job with little success. So she cannot afford her own place, not with rent and hydro and everything else, so I don’t know what she is going to do. I am going to suggest that since she and Rick and still on good terms, and he has a big house with many bedrooms, that she suck it up, act like an adult and stay with him a couple of months and look HARD everywhere for a job and then her own place, it seems the best solution for all since he need’s financial help paying for the house as well. It will be uncomfortable but likely the best idea. That being said my Dave’s argument is that she will not find a job from here, 3 hours away from her home. Cost of living here is more expensive then were she is and she has no friends so it makes no sense for her to just completly relocated here. I worry about her and what she will do, but Dave is right, she is 55, she should be able to figure this out for herself, this is not my job..Sigh!
 

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on January 4, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Oh hun, you have such a big heart to take your mom in like that. (Well, you have a big kind heart in general!♥) I understand how hard it must be for her right now. If you’re finding it too toxic for you when she’s there you gotta be honest with her. Baby and you are #1 right now.

  2. Oh my! You so don’t need this drama. It seems like you are in such a tough place because you need your space, but if you don’t give in you have to deal with guilt. What would make you feel less guilty?
    Is there any worry that she will long overstay her welcome at your place?

    • I know. Drama. I think a compromise has been reached, and she will come for 2 weeks. She worked something out with my brother to help her with money to get a deposit on an apartment and he is going to help her move, so she decided to put her visit on hold for now. We will see. It’s not even that she would overstay, I don’t think that’s it, it’s more that Dave and I find that after 2 weeks with a house guest in such a small house that we are glad to have our space back. His mom was here for 2 weeks this summer and we love her but were also relieved when time came to say goodbye, so 3 weeks, with someone depressed and angry would like be like 4 weeks with a friend. Plus I was not 9 months pregnant when Dave’s mom was here, I was like 4.

      • No way! My place is like 800 sq feet at least according to what I just Googled. There is no way you can live in a place as small as mine.

      • Way. I guess my house is bigger cause we have the basement, but it’s not a fully finished basement and most of the space is laundry room and storage. Upstairs we have 800 square feet, 2 bedrooms, a dinning room, a living room and a kitchen. It used to be 3 bedrooms, but we wanted a formal dinning room.

      • Hmm. We have a living room, dining room, one bedroom, kitchen you can’t eat in, and one full bath. We have a basement too that is unfinished and just for laundry and storage. When I googled it claimed our house was 1600 and there is an upstairs with one extra small bedroom so even though they have slightly more room than us I just divided the footage in half. Even finished basements are never counted in sq footage stuff. Lemme see if i can find a drawing or pictures…. (only because I like discussing property)
        Poo. The house next door is listed but only has a picture of the front and the house across the street is for sale but they are set up as a one family in the amount of space we and the upstairs tenants take up. Whatever you’ve seen my pictures.

      • Ok I will say maybe it’s 850..but I know it was in the mid to low 800’s. You can’t eat in our kitchen either, that’s why we needed the dinning room. The bedrooms were all very small, like if you get a double bed and dresser in the master, your doing good, but it had this massive ass living room. So we switched floor plans, Master bedroom is our dinning room now, second bedroom is our livingroom, livingroom is our master bedroom and the third tiny, tiny bedroom will be a nursery/kids room, cause you can’t get more then a single bed and dresser in their really.

      • Oh ha! That is exactly what upstairs did….or sorta. They put french doors between the living room and dining room and made the living room their bedroom (without closets). One bedroom is a guest bedroom/tv room and the tiny, tiny room is a computer room. Reuben and I have a slightly bigger living room (I call it the front room) than them, but no second tiny bedroom because we are the first floor and the front entrance way takes up that space. So we made that room a guest bedroom/tv room/office/toy room, took the bedroom for ourselves, and have more toys and a table in the dining room. EDS sleeps on a crib/toddler bed mattress on the floor next to Reubens bed and Shira is next to me in pack n play or in my bed. The only other furniture is the laundry hamper! I use the closet and Reuben’s armoire is in the dining room. Sometimes I am so embarrassed to have people over, because there is just no where to sit. I could put a couch in the front room or spend money making the trundle look more couch like, but it still isn’t the kind of place people like to chill.

      • Oh so I forgot to say I TOTALLY understand what having a houseguest is like. I hide in my bedroom to nurse Shira, because I feel so smothered. It is great when the person can entertain EDS, put in some laundry, pick up food, etc but when the person has five hundred suit cases in the spare bedroom, leaves her purse and laptop all set up on the dining room table, talks too much…..it just gets crazy.
        I always said that if I owned a house like ours I would rent out the top floor, make the first floor one large, open living room dining room kitchen, and put bedrooms in the basement where no one cares about big windows.

      • Gotcha. Same here, out tiny room was the computer room, but Dave built a rather impressive office/guestroom in our basement, pictures soon, and it’s great, so now we have the small room available as a kids room, when/if we have two, bunkbeds it will be 🙂
        We only really entertain in our dinning room, were we can seat 6, our living room or TV room is so small it only seats 3 comfortably. That’s the other good thing about the new room in the basement, we are going to keep a futon there so it can be a sitting space when it’s not a guest room, so you can seat 3 more down there, a bit more space. If we wanted to have a party then men could hang down there and women up here.

  3. Goodness gracious,
    I agree with what you’re going to tell her!! All this drama! You know reading this I worry if sometimes this will be me when I’m older 😦

  4. Wow. That is a tough one for sure.
    In a way, I understand Rick’s side the most. How old is his daughter again? She must be atleast 18 to be living far away I suppose. I understand him wanting to be supportive of his daughter and I am sad to say I’ve seen too many dads forget they even have daughters after finding another relationship. That being said, I guess he also needs to support your mom. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that he’s being asked to “choose” between them. I don’t think that should be the case at all. Hmmm…
    With your mom being out of a job and somewhat co-dependant I can see how Dave would also be worried that her stay might end up being longer than 3 weeks. Ugh…What a mes.. ((Hugs))

    • She is like 19 or something like that.
      I know it’s a hard situation. We will see, now she is saying she will come for the baby and spend time looking for an apartment now..sigh!

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