Having a bad, bad, anxiety day today. My chest is tight and I jut want to cry for no reason and every reason.
It’s life as well as late pregnancy, I am sure subconsciously it’s mostly baby fears creaping into everything else and affecting my ability to cope with it all.
I cannot handle it on days when she is mellow, I just can’t. I need the constant thrashing around to assure me all is fine. She has been moving, she has met her kick counts requirements, I used the doppler twice today and her heart sounded lovely, I was just spoiled yesterday cause she was on overdrive with huge major kicks, today all I am getting is wiggles with the occasional jab.
I need her out please, I will be 37 weeks in one week, I wish I could have her then. I feel like I will loose my mind sitting around for the next 3 weeks, I DONT want to wait that long. The signs of impending labor I had have tappered off, they are just there, but not increasing or feeling differant. I want to try and stay mellow, cause the high anxiety at the end is just not good, I had it so bad with Evan because of life shit and I really feel like it pushed my labour away, when we got robbed on his due date ect..My midwife said it’s possible, a women would choose to labor in a safe place if she has the ability, so high anxiety and adrenalyn can postpone labor for a time.
Life stress is getting to me too. I just want my baby to dote on.
Got a $400.00 oil bill today
Got no money, feeling overwhelmed wondering were it will come from. It always works out, I just have to be patient, but I am having lots of anxiety and it all just snowballs.
She got into a car accident toay.
She is pissing me the fuck off with her selfishness.
She is taking an apartment I keep telling her not to, it’s 1 bedroom and way to expensive, plus no pets, so I guess she dosn’t want us visiting anymore, cause I don’t travel without Oliver. When I told her to hold off cause she could do better, she said you only visit a couple times a year. We have visited ever other month since moving here, she has been here 3 times and once was for Evan’s funeral so I don’t think that counts. I told her that and she apologized. I said if we can’t bring Oliver to her house then we will stay at my aunts house and go visit her, that didn’t make her happy, but really, what other options are you giving me.
She applied for a job in Fort McMurray Alberta, said and I quote "Why not, I have no reason to stay here" and that my friends is the story of my life in one sentance, her kids are nothing, the men in her life are the only thing that matters. Seriously. ‘My Whole Life’.
Example: I aksed for an Angel Care baby monitor for Xmas. it’s $150.00 it’s the one that messures movement. That’s all I wanted. She asked my brother to buy it for me and she got me pj’s and socks…I dont’ need more pj’s. My point is that was $50 max, so she could be cheap, BUT she spent $200,00 on a chain and bracelet set for her man, plus other gifts too. Yes, the one that just dumped her.
She has done things like this my whole life, my brother and I constantly got the message that we don’t matter nearly as much as the man in her life. We would want chocolat ice cream and she would say, no Mike (her ex husband-my step dad for 17 years) dosen’t like Chocolat so we have to get Butterscotch Ripple, same with chips, only BBQ cause that is all Mike would eat, we had one VCR in the whole house and they kept it in their bedroom, so my brother and I could not watch our movies…the list goes on and on.
I always try not to think about it, cause I want to have a relationship with my mother, I don’t have a father so really she is all I have. I want so badly to have a close extended family. Damn mother issues.
This is were I felt loosing Evan was very unfair, I would be the best mom I could ever be to him. I have always wanted to be a mom, I have so much love to give.
Anyways-I actually replied this time and said, it’s great that your kids and soon to be grand-daughter are no reason to keep you". She said she would fly home all the time to visit Evangeline. Whatever. I do everything for her, it’s my weakness, and I feel like all I get back in ingratitude and bullshit, I need to stop helping. I need to learn to say no.
I have tried to talk to her about these things, many time over the years, she dosen’t hear them or dosen’t absorb them, My husband says she is like a moth hoplessly attracted to a flame..
Ok I need to go lay down and relax my mind. Growl. Just needed to dump.