More to come..

I know it seems like my life is all peaches and sunshine…
and truthfully, I have all I ever wanted (except Evan) so things are pretty good all in all. However, there are so many layers and depths to what I am feeling right now, and alot of them are tainted in sadness, anxiety and just plain overwhelment, and some days are great and others are very hit and miss. I will try to get this all into words…You know its always easier to write about the good and great and hard to touch on the rough or seedy underbelly. I knew motherhood wouldn’t be easy, and I know I am only 1.5 weeks in and 1 week home alone with her, and I am still learning..but hormones and prior injuries and broken sleep, and overwhelming joy and love.,.it’s all so intense.

Sure wish I had more family close that’s for sure..days seem longer when spent alone, Dave is only working part time so thank God for that.

Soon. Soon.

About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on February 3, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. I think our society really romanticizes babies and the postpartum (and motherhood, for that matter). It’s easy to feel like you’re not measuring up, easy to feel bored, easy to feel lonely… and you’re justified in all those feelings. I honestly think our society does new moms a disservice (and all moms, really). We *shouldn’t* be so alone, but it seems to be the reality. It’s wrong, but it’s not YOU. You really are doing a great job adjusting and giving to that little girl.
    I think you’re really brave to try to write about the bad feelings too. It can be hard to reach out, but it’s so important to let it out. We’re all here for you, honey (just wish we could be there in person!)

    • Fully agreed, this is it. They are cute and soft and cuddly, but they can also cry alot and not know why and if you can’t stop them it can make you cry alot and it can get stressful fast. I can’t imagine doing this alone, or as a younger, less mature women, I mean I was ready to be a parent by all means and it’s still quite difficult, so whoa!

  2. honey, it’s not peaches and sunshine for ANY new mom, and you’ve had it especially rough. it was rough for me and i have no history of loss and had family support around. i wish i could come help you out, snuggle the baby or do some household stuff for you so you can rest. you are doing an amazing job and every day just keep reminding yourself that you can do this, you are doing this, and be gentle with yourself and all those feelings running through you. much love to you.

    • Thanks πŸ™‚ I don’t even know what I am feeling, bored from being in the house in my jammies all day long when I am used to being busy at work, tiered from scattered sleep, confused as to what my baby want’s or needs from me besides love and milk, hormonal, guilty for not loving every second I have with her when I wanted this badly for so long..I want to appreciate every single second.

  3. Ahhhh…momma. That must be so bittersweet. You are allowed to mourn what could have been though- and to enjoy the present with Evangeline as well.
    Plus- I remember feeling so overwhelmed when we left the hospital. I felt like no one had properly educated me on what to do in all situations and I felt so lost and scared suddenly being responsible for a new little life.
    I’m sure if you add to the mix your other feelings about Evan and your previous experiences, it must be pretty rough. And that’s not even mentioning the possible post partum which would all be very normal indeed. Hang in there momma. It will take some time- but it will get easier.
    I think the lack of sleep was what really got to me most the first time around. I felt like a zombie and was so tired that any small nap I got was never enough to catch up. You’d need about 3-4 days of solid sleeping to ever catch up to it all! ((Hugs))

    • Thanks. I REALLY appreciate hearing from you all that you were overwhelmed in the those first weeks as well, I like to know it’s not just me. I thought I was so ready, but it’s differant when it’s someone elses kid and you haven’t just given birth and have the mess of hormones going on all over the place

  4. “intense” has got to be a giant understatement. I bet it’s going to be a mixed bag of emotions for…well, ever.
    I hope she’s doing well, and I hope you’re healing quickly. I’m thinking of you so much. You have so many people who love you and your family. Whatever you do, don’t let yourself feel alone.

    • I think she is doing well, she haden’t gained back much weight yet as of tuesday but I have faith it will catch up, she is nursing so much and putting out tons of dirty soping diapers so she is getting lots of milk. Physically I am healing fairly quickly, I just hope emotionally I can adapt as well soonish.
      I really appreciate the online support, which is why I write, it helps.

  5. If you need me,I can come out!Call me.When Dave’s away at work on weekends, I can take a bus in to keep you company and you can have a nap and I can look after the babe.Or clean the house.
    I can’t wait to get my licence!I’ll can see you much faster than the bus etc.
    I know it sucks not having family close by.Family right now is very important.
    Big hugs momma!You’re amazing mother,wife and best friend ever!Love yah!

    • Thanks Tash. Dave worked 3 days this week and those days feel so long to me..It’s all just so confusing, I am exausted and lonely, I am too tiered to entertain or have guests most days but I get lonely..I know I will get used to this new routine, it’s already better then it was a couple days ago..and I just look forward to warmer temperatures so I can go out and have a walk.

  6. Believe me, you’re part of the club, we know. Rainbow baby mamas have additional emotional stress, but this alone, overwhelmed emotional place? I think most moms go there PP.
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE, at least emotionally.
    Having no nearby relatives sucks, I think, especially. That was my experience. I can’t imagine being as lucky in that respect as some of my friends!

    • thanks Lexie πŸ™‚
      I depend of all of you who have been here and done this to reasure me I am not crazy and other mom’s have felt this way. I am so totally in love with this perfect baby girl and yet so overwhelmed at being someone’s mom, someone who is 100% reliant on me, I have to eat, wash, pee, sleep around her needs, it’s a fast change from single career women to stay at home mom. Wow!

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