Anxiety and motherhood

Ok I had a really really really bad
Past few days and after a big yelling match with Dave at 3am I have spent all day thinking obsessively and crying I am even crying right now in a dark room cause I have been trying to sleep for an hour and a half and can’t. I think I do have post partum depression and the super anxiety I had post partum with Evan is back full force. I do think alot of the depression is situational but it’s getting worse and harder to manage and the anxiety is not situational it comes on for no reason. I am also finding it harder and harder to really truly bond with the baby as I feel so flat sad or anxious alot of the time. I know people say the first three months are hardest all I keep thinking is I can’t handle this. I feel like she is super super fussy and hard to manage then I realize she is not really and Its just me who can’t deal. Dave agrees. I am super super super super freaking depressed over this cause I like a weak person and horrible mama. I have almost everything I ever wanted (not Evan which is huge) and I am feeling almost as depressed as I did after Evan died, which makes me wonder if I didn’t have Ppd with and no one knew cause I was supposed to be sad. I don’t want to feel so sad I want to enjoy my daughter I hate all of this so much what is wrong with me. Ok she’s awAke.

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on March 3, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. I think I had PPD with my daughter and I just now, 2+ years later got back on meds. I was on them before I got pregnant, stopped to be pregnant, and it’s just like a looming gloom. It was easy to pretend everything was okay sometimes because when you have a baby you aren’t supposed to be sad. But now that I’m going through a divorce and stuff, it’s harder to hide the parts of me that are damaged.

    You should reach out and get some help. Trust me, it’s better for everyone.

  2. I think I had PPD with my daughter and I just now, 2+ years later got back on meds. I was on them before I got pregnant, stopped to be pregnant, and it’s just like a looming gloom. It was easy to pretend everything was okay sometimes because when you have a baby you aren’t supposed to be sad. But now that I’m going through a divorce and stuff, it’s harder to hide the parts of me that are damaged.
    You should reach out and get some help. Trust me, it’s better for everyone.

  3. I so can relate with this hun.I’ve been through this numberous times and it’s so hard.Getting the help you need with the baby.Taking turns looking after Evangeline,while you go outside for fresh air etc. I wish I was closer so I can give you both a break.

    If you need a break, bring to me and Jeff and I can spoil her and love her up:)

    Talking to your Dr would be good. I know I did right thing, right away ,just in case its depression.I’m not a dr and just maybe it’s PPD.Mine didn’t subside, so we came to conclusion it was depression.

    What your feeling normal. The anixety is all to familar too. Your the best mum and I know both of you are amazing parents:)Because you are best friend!
    Love yah babe!
    I’m here!

  4. I so can relate with this hun.I’ve been through this numberous times and it’s so hard.Getting the help you need with the baby.Taking turns looking after Evangeline,while you go outside for fresh air etc. I wish I was closer so I can give you both a break.
    If you need a break, bring to me and Jeff and I can spoil her and love her up:)
    Talking to your Dr would be good. I know I did right thing, right away ,just in case its depression.I’m not a dr and just maybe it’s PPD.Mine didn’t subside, so we came to conclusion it was depression.
    What your feeling normal. The anixety is all to familar too. Your the best mum and I know both of you are amazing parents:)Because you are best friend!
    Love yah babe!
    I’m here!

  5. I felt a version of that too, after Adam came home.

    It’s hard- there are SO MANY emotions, and you want to be over the moon, all the time, but you’re sleep deprived, and the baby is fussy, and it all should be completely perfect because you’ve waited so long for it, and it isn’t. It’s a horrible horrible feeling, I know.

    For me I treasured the really quiet times, like the middle-of-the-night feedings, when it was just me and him in the rocking chair and I could block everything else out and focus on that. I also let everything else go to hell- cooking, cleaning, etc., and told myself I was doing my best and that was all I could do.

    He’s 4 and a half months now and things are utterly different. The first few months are definitely the hardest.

    Thinking of you.

  6. I felt a version of that too, after Adam came home.
    It’s hard- there are SO MANY emotions, and you want to be over the moon, all the time, but you’re sleep deprived, and the baby is fussy, and it all should be completely perfect because you’ve waited so long for it, and it isn’t. It’s a horrible horrible feeling, I know.
    For me I treasured the really quiet times, like the middle-of-the-night feedings, when it was just me and him in the rocking chair and I could block everything else out and focus on that. I also let everything else go to hell- cooking, cleaning, etc., and told myself I was doing my best and that was all I could do.
    He’s 4 and a half months now and things are utterly different. The first few months are definitely the hardest.
    Thinking of you.

  7. Lots of hugs to you. Is there a local moms group nearby? Do you think going out to talk to other moms with babies would help? It really helped me.
    I remember the 3AM screaming arguments. It takes a lot out of both of you. 😦

  8. Lots of hugs to you. Is there a local moms group nearby? Do you think going out to talk to other moms with babies would help? It really helped me.
    I remember the 3AM screaming arguments. It takes a lot out of both of you. 😦

  9. *Hugs* sweetie. I think you’re really brave and smart to be reaching out. Definitely talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling.

    I know this is hard, and you feel so bad right now. But no matter what, I know that you love Evangeline so much. It’s hard for a lot of us, period, but I can’t help but think that it must be so much harder for you loss mamas.

    The other thing, which is probably really far from your mind right now, but please take care of YOU and your emotional needs. I think PPD has a lot to do with hormones, but it also has a lot to do with fatigue and loneliness. Motherhood can be so incredibly lonely, especially when we feel worried and scared about soothing a baby away from home (or the fear that we won’t be able to do it, even though we may logically know we can). And this is only harder when we don’t have any local moms to hang out with. We aren’t meant to be alone with our babies… we’re meant to be part of a community.

    Take care, honey. I’m an ear to listen, far away, but thinking of you.

  10. *Hugs* sweetie. I think you’re really brave and smart to be reaching out. Definitely talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling.
    I know this is hard, and you feel so bad right now. But no matter what, I know that you love Evangeline so much. It’s hard for a lot of us, period, but I can’t help but think that it must be so much harder for you loss mamas.
    The other thing, which is probably really far from your mind right now, but please take care of YOU and your emotional needs. I think PPD has a lot to do with hormones, but it also has a lot to do with fatigue and loneliness. Motherhood can be so incredibly lonely, especially when we feel worried and scared about soothing a baby away from home (or the fear that we won’t be able to do it, even though we may logically know we can). And this is only harder when we don’t have any local moms to hang out with. We aren’t meant to be alone with our babies… we’re meant to be part of a community.
    Take care, honey. I’m an ear to listen, far away, but thinking of you.

  11. Oh, ouch. I remember those days, and I so recommend getting help. Whether it’s therapy, meds, or whatever helps you, please do it. I waited 8 months before I got the help I really needed with my PPD (which ended up being a combination of Lexapro and therapy), and things really hit rock bottom before they finally started to improve.

    You’ve already proven that you are strong and that you are a good mama, by recognizing what’s going on and seeking a solution. That’s what parenting is all about.

  12. Oh, ouch. I remember those days, and I so recommend getting help. Whether it’s therapy, meds, or whatever helps you, please do it. I waited 8 months before I got the help I really needed with my PPD (which ended up being a combination of Lexapro and therapy), and things really hit rock bottom before they finally started to improve.
    You’ve already proven that you are strong and that you are a good mama, by recognizing what’s going on and seeking a solution. That’s what parenting is all about.

  13. I am going to echo the comments that suggest talking to your doctor. You’re not a bad mama, and you’re not a weak person. At all! Being a mom is tough, emotionally and physically, and it is okay to admit when you need some extra help. *hugs*

  14. I am going to echo the comments that suggest talking to your doctor. You’re not a bad mama, and you’re not a weak person. At all! Being a mom is tough, emotionally and physically, and it is okay to admit when you need some extra help. *hugs*

  15. i agree that you should definitely consider talking to your doctor. there are so many things that can help you get to the other side where you’re able to really enjoy your life again. you aren’t alone and this is VERY treatable. *hugs*

    i dunno if this post will help you or not, but i figured i’d add it anyway.

    also, FYI, zoloft is breastfeeding-friendly and was super useful for me (and still is now).

    ❀

  16. i agree that you should definitely consider talking to your doctor. there are so many things that can help you get to the other side where you’re able to really enjoy your life again. you aren’t alone and this is VERY treatable. *hugs*
    i dunno if this post will help you or not, but i figured i’d add it anyway.
    also, FYI, zoloft is breastfeeding-friendly and was super useful for me (and still is now).
    ❀

  17. You are not a weak person to admit you need help.I see that as a strength and someone to be admired when they reach out to others in times of need.

    If you need to talk to a dr and get some ppd meds and/or talk to a professional, then please listen to what your heart tells you.

  18. You are not a weak person to admit you need help.I see that as a strength and someone to be admired when they reach out to others in times of need.
    If you need to talk to a dr and get some ppd meds and/or talk to a professional, then please listen to what your heart tells you.

  19. Oh hon I am so sorry. Yes the first three months are hard, but everything you have said here screams PPD. You are NOT a bad mama, don’t even think that, k? It’s the friggin’ hormones. Sometimes they just screw with the brain chemistry for a bit. Your body has been through so many chemical/hormonal changes. And the loss of Evan just throws everything in the mix. Please call your doc and make an appt to get a script. You don’t want to lookback and see how the wacko hormones clouded these precious first months.
    *hugs*

  20. Oh hon I am so sorry. Yes the first three months are hard, but everything you have said here screams PPD. You are NOT a bad mama, don’t even think that, k? It’s the friggin’ hormones. Sometimes they just screw with the brain chemistry for a bit. Your body has been through so many chemical/hormonal changes. And the loss of Evan just throws everything in the mix. Please call your doc and make an appt to get a script. You don’t want to lookback and see how the wacko hormones clouded these precious first months.
    *hugs*

  21. *Hugs and offers a big shoulder to cry on.*

    I don’t know anything about PPD, for the obvious reasons, but I know that the first three months when I was pregnant with Yael my life felt like utter hell too, and I basically experienced all these emotions you describe (but then without a baby that’s exhausting you on top). I was pretty convinced I’d invented the pre-partum depression. Fortunately it went away after those first three months, so I hope it’s also just a hormonal thing in your case and that soon things will look calmer. I really hope you get the help you need/deserve from Dave, friends and relatives. Being a mom is one big change enough, let alone when it gets mixed with anxiety, maybe caused by Evan’s loss.
    *love you*

  22. *Hugs and offers a big shoulder to cry on.*
    I don’t know anything about PPD, for the obvious reasons, but I know that the first three months when I was pregnant with Yael my life felt like utter hell too, and I basically experienced all these emotions you describe (but then without a baby that’s exhausting you on top). I was pretty convinced I’d invented the pre-partum depression. Fortunately it went away after those first three months, so I hope it’s also just a hormonal thing in your case and that soon things will look calmer. I really hope you get the help you need/deserve from Dave, friends and relatives. Being a mom is one big change enough, let alone when it gets mixed with anxiety, maybe caused by Evan’s loss.
    *love you*

  23. ***hugs*** Jamie, I went through so many emotions in the first 3 months.. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  24. ***hugs*** Jamie, I went through so many emotions in the first 3 months.. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  25. I Iove you, Jaime. I can’t walk where you’re walking, but I can walk with you and I am here.

    (((((((((hugs))))))))

  26. I Iove you, Jaime. I can’t walk where you’re walking, but I can walk with you and I am here.
    (((((((((hugs))))))))

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