OMG Stress-AKA It’s good to be home
I don’t know why I even bother doing the road trip to Moncton. In theory it’s because I have a very large family and I want Evangeline to know them, I want them to know her, I want help with child rearing, I want these women who have raised multiple children each to hold my baby and give me a quick break to, say, take a bubble bath and not rush through it.
Evangeline doesn’t want the same as me, at least at this stage of her life. She hates change, any of it, the grocery store is too much change for her, and she will put up with it for an average of 20 minutes, so fast, fast shopping. Anyways, she doesn’t like being away from home,(I know most kids don’t), she doesn’t like strangers and won’t let them hold her, she dosen’t like being shuffled around.
She would not nap the whole trip, which means she slept really well at night (bonus) and in the morning, both trips there and back (huzzah) but was a grouch all day while visiting family (bummer) she deals with strangers holding her for about 15 minutes before melting down, so at least they got that, and some people got smiles and giggles from her, so it’s not all bad. As I said in my last post, people got first hand demonstrations of the power of the temper of Miss Evangeline, woah! She scared several of my family members who kept asking me if I was sure she wasn’t sick or in pain, nope, I used to think that to, but she just yells loudly when mad and turns red, then stops as soon as she get’s what she want’s (me and boob, as often as 20 times a day, she is a boob-aholic,) I nursed in front of every single member of my family I swear, I would fill her right up just before going visiting, so she would be able to be ok for 2-3 hours, nope, not when she is a comfort nurser and uncomfortable with strangers.
Which leads to rant part 2…
So fucking tiered of everybody telling me I am spoiling her, I have to let her cry so she get’s used to other people besides me. I could have killed them. I wont even get into what they think about me co-sleeping. A 3 month old baby cannot manipulate it’s mother. My grandfather even had the gall to say he raised 7 kids and knows more then I do about child-rearing. He then looked at my Aunt next to me and said she would cry in her crib for up to 6 hours at night. (Nice, sounds healthy to me) My family is pro-breastfeeding, to a point, they understand it’s best and fully support feeding that way, but don’t support comfort nursing. My aunt who breastfed 3 kids, every 3 hours min, said she never had this problem with them being constantly attached and thinks I am promoting it by putting her to breast every time she is upset. I explained that I try many other things first, but ultimately boob is the only thing that will calm her, and I just want her calm. My mom kept saying " I can’t believe she is eating again" "We started babies on cereal at 3 months to keep them full longer and you and your brother are fine", Mom’s boyfriend was drinking one night and even said to me "Is that baby sucking on your tit again? Does she ever stop?" and then how his ex wife only breastfed for 3 months because she couldn’t stand the lack of freedom. I rebuttaled that she had had children for the wrong reason if she didn’t want to feel tied down by them. HELLO. If you want to keep living like you were before you had kids, don’t have kids, they change your life.
My mom said to me today that she can’t believe how high need Evangeline is, she was exhausted just watching me and feels bad that she can’t help me out more. At least that was thoughtful. She then told me Evangeline got my temper, that when I was a baby I would scream like that as well and never ever went to bed peacefully. I think that by letting me cry it out, it led to my depression and anger, I have always felt resentment toward my mother, for things she actually did to me in my life, but more then that, and I believe it’s that she never met my needs ever, even as an infant. Then on the flipside, I believe she did what she thought was best, at 18, with guidance from her doctor.
Bottom line is yes, I am overwhelmed, yes she is high needs and very sensitive, but she is healthy and happy and I am parenting by intuition and that is the best I can do, she will get more independent with age and less clingy (I hope) but right now she is a tiny baby and needs me. I will love her fiercely as best I can and when she is ready to be apart from me for a bit, then I will have some me time. Bottom line is I had 32 years of me time and she is alive and she is in my arms, and I know all to well how easily things can be complete opposite of that, so I will suck it up, tell them to shut it up, and do what I have to do, including bitch and complain from time to time, then feel bad, cause she is the greatest blessing.
Dave and I have been tense, lots of fighting. Having a high need’s baby is also hard on the marriage. He doesn’t understand how very bone tiered I am, why I have no energy to do anything but nurse really, why I am home all day but can’t clean or cook most days, at least not thoroughly, why I won’t have sex with him (when? how? please tell me? yes you cyber folks, how?) when she falls asleep at night, all I want to do is climb into bed next to her and pass out, not make hot whoppie, damn. I laughed when Wanda Sykes said on Ellen that if her wife ever caught her in another women’s bed, no worries, she would just be napping LOL. I wish he could understand that it will get better, and in logic he does, but he is tense and short and rude and I always just resent him for making me more stressed out..I am working on it, one day at a time, he is a really good husband and partner and I do want him to be happy, but I am just…gah!!