Stillbirth, Marriage, Parenting and Anxiety…Oh my???
I always want to write so much, I need to write so much. I need to get it outta my head and onto this screen, but parenting a newborn, finding time to keep the house in order, maintaining my relationship with my husband and remembering to do anything when I am so sleep deprived all interfere with my ability to write.
Stillbirth has affected me, who I am, how I view the world, so completely and totally. In some ways for the better. I take nothing for granted, I know what matters in life, I can cut through the bullshit like it’s nothing. However, in a lot of ways, Stillbirth has changed me in ways I would rather not have been changed. I find it hard to relate with a lot of people because I know what matters in life and can cut through the bullshit. I feel alienated from so many people cause it’s like they have no freaking clue. I feel like a snob, like I look at people and think they are just so…I don’t even know..unaware.
The anxiety from the PTS affects everything I do all day. This has gotten worse since Evangeline was born and has left me wondering if I need to be back on anxiety meds. This anxiety taints everything I do, including my marriage, which was rock strong before recent days and I pray still is, but we have grown apart to be sure. I just pray he can hold on and we can keep working on things. I think he will, but again, the anxiety makes me paranoid, I fear he will seek out intimacy elsewhere. Probably all in my head.
Truth is..4.5 months in we have not had sex. Anxiety is totally to blame. I do not want to have Evangeline out of my sight ever..I fear if I can’t hear her breath she might stop breathing. She is a very light sleeper, and we wake her up so easily, so we just haven’t done it…but I know this is a major bone of contention with Dave, I feel it and I understand. He never wanted to co-sleep, I did. He compromised with the understanding that she would be moved into her own room around 6-7 months, when she could hold herself steady and roll over. I was ok with that then, but now the idea of sleep training causes me sooooooooooo much anxiety. My throat closes up and I feel my blood pressure spike just thinking about it. Again, I on some level seem to have convinced myself if she is not next to me, she will die. I am beyond terrified of SIDS, I can barely say the word or I start panicking..but I know I am just so tainted by Evan’s death, I was nervous before, but now I am neurotic. Dave really thinks I am neurotic..I know I am. It’s one thing to be a concerned and cautious mom, I am kinda over the top and wonder if it’s unhealthy. I wonder if anxiety med’s would help or if I am just who I am, and just have to accept that.
That being said..I can’t be who I am at the expense of my marriage. I say over and over I never thought having a living child would test my marriage more then stillbirth did…but it has..it really has. We both adore her, but Dave needs to be a husband and a daddy, I have to figure out that balance. I am nearly neurotic. We are going out to dinner tonight, alone, since my mom is here and can take care of the baby and I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about leaving her.
It doesn’t help that everyone disagrees with my attachment parenting. EVERYONE..I have no support. Mom even pulled the "Your not being fair to her" card. I.E She won’t be able to do anything without you. I showed her Dr. Sears information that attached babies grow up to be confident children.(So much more to say on this..) Anyhow, Dave also want’s me to put her down, at least when she is asleep..I honestly just want her to be happy. She is happy on me, so I keep her there. She cried so much in the first 3 months that I am just so grateful she barely cries anymore that I want to do whatever I can to keep it that way..I love her in way I never knew I could love, it’s a scary strong love. My life would be over without her.
Anyways, I hope to come back and elaborate on this..I have to stop for today, Mom is here and we have things to do. It’s just something keeping me up at night these days. That, the nightmares and the baby that want’s to nurse every 2-3 hours all night. I am one exhausted and moody mama.