Mental Health-The Next Chapter
I am seeing a Psychiatrist two weeks from today. The mental health nurse who met with Dave and I today felt beyond a reason of a doubt that I need to be treated as soon as possible for an anxiety disorder and quite possible a mood disorder. She feels that all the repeated trauma of the past 3 years, along with the complete life change that came with having little miss has just been to much for my brain to process, and that is why, no matter how hard I try to be logical, calm and keep my shit together, the darkness keeps slipping back in..It’s officially something I cannot, at this stage, fix on my own.
I have had a bitch of a hard time getting to this place, and truly admitting it’s beyond me. Mostly guilt and disappointment in myself. I really had myself convinced after Evan died, that having another baby would magically fix everything, that my world would be complete and perfect. That I would be mom of the year and my marriage would be bliss. When none of this happened it was hard as hell for me to cope with. I have felt deep and resounding guilt about not being blissfully happy every second of Evangeline’s life. I have hated myself for being so miserable when she won’t sleep, or is in a bad mood..I have hated myself when I cried and cried in front of her cause I was too tiered to deal with her overtired moodiness, I have hated myself for wishing someone else would come and take care of her for me, when all I wanted was a baby to take care off, I have hated myself for not having enough energy to take care of marriage, my house and my baby. Needless to say, I have been very, very hard on myself and it’s started to compound and become more then I could handle. I have found myself anxious all the time, to the point of insomnia, unhappy anytime I am alone with Evangeline, crying more then normal and just feeling unwell as of late..yet afraid to reach out for help truly, out of OMG yougotalivingbabyyoumiserablewomensuckitup shame….So I knew something had to change. It’s been easy enough to say it’s cause I am not sleeping, I don’t have a second to myself anymore cause she won’t even nap if she is not on top on me, but the bottom line is…it’s more then that..and Evangeline is who I made her..I mean she is herself, but my desperate fear and anxiety around letting her out of my eye sight for nearly 6 months has created a baby who now expects to never be out of my eyesight.
My year of maternity leave ends early January and I have to go back to work. I have so much work to do before then.