Mental Health-The Next Chapter

I am seeing a Psychiatrist two weeks from today. The mental health nurse who met with Dave and I today felt beyond a reason of a doubt that I need to be treated as soon as possible for an anxiety disorder and quite possible a mood disorder. She feels that all the repeated trauma of the past 3 years, along with the complete life change that came with having little miss has just been to much for my brain to process, and that is why, no matter how hard I try to be logical, calm and keep my shit together, the darkness keeps slipping back in..It’s officially something I cannot, at this stage, fix on my own. 

I have had a bitch of a hard time getting to this place, and truly admitting it’s beyond me. Mostly guilt and disappointment in myself. I really had myself convinced after Evan died, that having another baby would magically fix everything, that my world would be complete and perfect. That I would be mom of the year and my marriage would be bliss. When none of this happened it was hard as hell for me to cope with. I have felt deep and resounding guilt about not being blissfully happy every second of Evangeline’s life. I have hated myself for being so miserable when she won’t sleep, or is in a bad mood..I have hated myself when I cried and cried in front of her cause I was too tiered to deal with her overtired moodiness, I have hated myself for wishing someone else would come and take care of her for me, when all I wanted was a baby to take care off, I have hated myself for not having enough energy to take care of marriage, my house and my baby. Needless to say, I have been very, very hard on myself and it’s started to compound and become more then I could handle. I have found myself anxious all the time, to the point of insomnia, unhappy anytime I am alone with Evangeline, crying more then normal and just feeling unwell as of late..yet afraid to reach out for help truly, out of OMG yougotalivingbabyyoumiserablewomensuckitup shame….So I knew something had to change. It’s been easy enough to say it’s cause I am not sleeping, I don’t have a second to myself anymore cause she won’t even nap if she is not on top on me, but the bottom line is…it’s more then that..and Evangeline is who I made her..I mean she is herself, but my desperate fear and anxiety around letting her out of my eye sight for nearly 6 months has created a baby who now expects to never be out of my eyesight.

My year of maternity leave ends early January and I have to go back to work. I have so much work to do before then.

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About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on September 17, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. Hugs…. my thoughts are with you.

  2. Hugs…. my thoughts are with you.

  3. *very, very big hug to you*

    Just know that, despite all the difficulties you are going through, there are still people that look up to you, by how you cope, how you try to find a solution to your reality…. I am one of them!

  4. *very, very big hug to you*
    Just know that, despite all the difficulties you are going through, there are still people that look up to you, by how you cope, how you try to find a solution to your reality…. I am one of them!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words..Life is a roller coaster these days..I am feeling crazy, baby is a mess of moods, sleep is not spectacular (though better then it has been)and things are just at a standstill this week…We wait..

    • Thank you so much for your kind words..Life is a roller coaster these days..I am feeling crazy, baby is a mess of moods, sleep is not spectacular (though better then it has been)and things are just at a standstill this week…We wait..

  5. I’ve never lost a baby, but my first baby was a lot like Evangeline. It was hard (and still is, sometimes, to tell the truth), but I honestly believe that she is who she is. Don’t be hard on yourself. There is honestly so much hurt and guilt wrapped up in mothering. So many “shoulds” that we can’t go back and fix. Know that you love her, and you’re doing what you can to be better, for you, for Dave, and for your babies. You’re not alone, honey. And even though I’m not in the club, I really do hear you, and I’m sending (((LOVE))).

  6. I’ve never lost a baby, but my first baby was a lot like Evangeline. It was hard (and still is, sometimes, to tell the truth), but I honestly believe that she is who she is. Don’t be hard on yourself. There is honestly so much hurt and guilt wrapped up in mothering. So many “shoulds” that we can’t go back and fix. Know that you love her, and you’re doing what you can to be better, for you, for Dave, and for your babies. You’re not alone, honey. And even though I’m not in the club, I really do hear you, and I’m sending (((LOVE))).

    • Thank You soooo much. I appreciate the support. It’s Monday and this week is not off to a better start. I am down, yes..but the child is just miserable..two days of whining, crying, clinging, short sleep spurts, acting exhausted all day…Oy..Ya keep thinking it’s teeth…but then no teeth appear..Developmental maybe? She is sooo close to crawling.

    • Thank You soooo much. I appreciate the support. It’s Monday and this week is not off to a better start. I am down, yes..but the child is just miserable..two days of whining, crying, clinging, short sleep spurts, acting exhausted all day…Oy..Ya keep thinking it’s teeth…but then no teeth appear..Developmental maybe? She is sooo close to crawling.

  7. I don’t have a lot to add as far as comfort. But just know – don’t blame yourself for E not wanting to be away from you. I really do believe this is a phase they go through, because Peter is going through it too. He doesn’t want to be with anyone else but me.

  8. I don’t have a lot to add as far as comfort. But just know – don’t blame yourself for E not wanting to be away from you. I really do believe this is a phase they go through, because Peter is going through it too. He doesn’t want to be with anyone else but me.

  9. (((((hugs)))))

    Having a baby is hard enough. Add having a dead baby to that, and it IS too much to handle. I had severe post partum mania after beanie was born and spent four days int he hospital – my brain was just not working properly. It’s been a long six months of getting it back to functioning well. This path of ours is not easy at all.

  10. (((((hugs)))))
    Having a baby is hard enough. Add having a dead baby to that, and it IS too much to handle. I had severe post partum mania after beanie was born and spent four days int he hospital – my brain was just not working properly. It’s been a long six months of getting it back to functioning well. This path of ours is not easy at all.

    • Thank you for this…I think it’s a whole other world post stillbirth. So hard, so crazy hard…Especially when your so blessed and have a hard time feeling what you know to be true.

    • Thank you for this…I think it’s a whole other world post stillbirth. So hard, so crazy hard…Especially when your so blessed and have a hard time feeling what you know to be true.

  11. For me, having Liam actually made my grief about my loss worse, instead of better. I found myself (especially when he was a newborn) in a state of mourning instead of new-mother joy. I never really did figure out what caused that imbalance of emotion, but I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. And I got bogged down in “should” feelings as well – “I should be able to handle this,” “I should be able to care for my child, myself, my husband, and my home,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way!”

    The good news is that you’ve figured out that what’s going on isn’t right and isn’t good… and you’re taking steps to fix it. That first step – to ask for help – is honestly the hardest part. Not to say the rest will be a cakewalk or anything… but people really underestimate how hard it is to even take that very first step towards getting better.

    *hugs* I think you are doing fabulously, and things will continue to improve as you learn more about how to cope with your feelings and put your brain back together. πŸ™‚

  12. For me, having Liam actually made my grief about my loss worse, instead of better. I found myself (especially when he was a newborn) in a state of mourning instead of new-mother joy. I never really did figure out what caused that imbalance of emotion, but I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. And I got bogged down in “should” feelings as well – “I should be able to handle this,” “I should be able to care for my child, myself, my husband, and my home,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way!”
    The good news is that you’ve figured out that what’s going on isn’t right and isn’t good… and you’re taking steps to fix it. That first step – to ask for help – is honestly the hardest part. Not to say the rest will be a cakewalk or anything… but people really underestimate how hard it is to even take that very first step towards getting better.
    *hugs* I think you are doing fabulously, and things will continue to improve as you learn more about how to cope with your feelings and put your brain back together. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you. It’s such a battle, and Miss is crabtastic last two days, I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes..This 2 week wait to meet and discuss treatment feel like forever.

    • Thank you. It’s such a battle, and Miss is crabtastic last two days, I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes..This 2 week wait to meet and discuss treatment feel like forever.

  13. ((((((((((((love))))))))))))

  14. ((((((((((((love))))))))))))

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