The sky turns to grey, my mind turns to you.

This time of the year is so triggery for me. Most are getting excited as Christmas quickly approaches. I mean I am more then I was in the past, because I have Evangelines first Christmas to look forward to. However, this time of the year is hard on the psyche when you didn’t have a baby up and die on Christmas Eve, so you know… I sometimes forget this is really my life, that I have a baby burried deep in the womb of the earth who we bring birthday gifts to every Christmas. In the heat of the summer, with my friends, the woods, the ocean, my baby at breast, I felt my life was perfectly wonderful. As soon as winter starts to set in though I feel the heaviness of depression on my shoulders. I haven’t figured out yet how to disassociate winter and Evan. Everything about the smell of the air, the greyness of the sky, it rushes me with memories of being giantly pregnant with Evan, waiting anxiously each day to meet him. Dragging my giant self all over the city preparing for his imminent arrival, walking in the chilly air to my midwives appointments. Waiting and waiting forever, 42 weeks, for the baby boy I would never get to hug and kiss( I don’t know when I will forgive myself for not holding and kissing him while I had the chance). Everything about November and December is Evan. It has a life of it’s own, I have a really grumpy and depressed day and I feel so angry and so I turn inward to try and figure out what is happening, then like a ton of bricks, the devastation of coming home empty armed in 2007, spending days in bed, hopeless, living only because Dave needed me to, hits me and I realize my body has created a memory that winter equals hopelessness so even if my mind isn’t going there, my body remembers that feeling and has imprinted it deeply. Someday maybe I will face winter without endless tears for the baby boy I miss so deeply. It aches. Even the stunning little girl who has healed me so deeply is not able to take away the deep thumbprint winter time has placed on my heart.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on November 18, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. This is the season where family togetherness is emphasized and you are missing a member of your family. I can only hope that Evangaline can bring a little light to a dark time of year for you. *hugs*

  2. Christmas is supposed to be such a happy time of year too:( I get this way about spring too. I hope you are able to find some peace and happiness this year for your little rainbow baby

  3. It’s normal for the season of your child’s death to be shadowed; I feel the same way as summer approaches. Conflicting for me, since Abby and Charlotte’s birthdays are just two weeks apart, both in June. It’s been four and a half years for me so I don’t know how long it will be this way, but I know it’s gotten easier for me. I dread it less as the years pass; I anticipate Charlotte’s birthday and even Abby’s birthday! As painful as it is, I look forward to celebrating her life every year.

    I suspect that after several more years of happy memories with Evangeline at Christmas, the shadow will become less and less. Never forgotten, but less….prominent. You will never look forward to winter and Christmas the way you used to, but I think eventually, you will not dread it as much.

    {{hugs}} I know how hard this is, especially bittersweet with Evangeline’s first Christmas.

    • Thanks for your kind words. It’s always nice to reminded I am not alone. I hope you are right and Christmas gradually becomes more bearable with the years to come. I did get Dave to hang lights this year, so that is a step forward.

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