The sky turns to grey, my mind turns to you.
This time of the year is so triggery for me. Most are getting excited as Christmas quickly approaches. I mean I am more then I was in the past, because I have Evangelines first Christmas to look forward to. However, this time of the year is hard on the psyche when you didn’t have a baby up and die on Christmas Eve, so you know… I sometimes forget this is really my life, that I have a baby burried deep in the womb of the earth who we bring birthday gifts to every Christmas. In the heat of the summer, with my friends, the woods, the ocean, my baby at breast, I felt my life was perfectly wonderful. As soon as winter starts to set in though I feel the heaviness of depression on my shoulders. I haven’t figured out yet how to disassociate winter and Evan. Everything about the smell of the air, the greyness of the sky, it rushes me with memories of being giantly pregnant with Evan, waiting anxiously each day to meet him. Dragging my giant self all over the city preparing for his imminent arrival, walking in the chilly air to my midwives appointments. Waiting and waiting forever, 42 weeks, for the baby boy I would never get to hug and kiss( I don’t know when I will forgive myself for not holding and kissing him while I had the chance). Everything about November and December is Evan. It has a life of it’s own, I have a really grumpy and depressed day and I feel so angry and so I turn inward to try and figure out what is happening, then like a ton of bricks, the devastation of coming home empty armed in 2007, spending days in bed, hopeless, living only because Dave needed me to, hits me and I realize my body has created a memory that winter equals hopelessness so even if my mind isn’t going there, my body remembers that feeling and has imprinted it deeply. Someday maybe I will face winter without endless tears for the baby boy I miss so deeply. It aches. Even the stunning little girl who has healed me so deeply is not able to take away the deep thumbprint winter time has placed on my heart.
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