Irrational Anxiety

The question was posted to me recently if I was obsessed with going over the details of Evan’s death and events that led up to it. My answer was simple: HELL YES.

I have gone over it and over it and over it again.  It all still continues to haunt me today. The whole thing has turned me inadvertently into a death-a-phobic and borderline Hypochondriac.  For those not in the know, Evan’s cause of death was finally determined to be Asphyxiation caused by cord compression. However, before the final coroner’s report came back, the doctors were trying everything they could to find a possible cause of death. This included testing me for everything under the sun. Of all the tests they took, one came back borderline positive for Lupus Anticoagulant. This meant I could be more prone to blood clotting then the average person and apparently, could also be early signs of Lupus.

Since that day, I have become hyper aware of every single ache and pain in my (not as quick to heal and not ache post 2 pregnancies as it once was) body, so every time my wrists throb or my back spasms I become internally convinced it is Lupus related joint pain. I have actually sent myself into a deep spiral of quiet worry induced anxiety many, many times in the past 3 years. It bothers me. I don’t say it out loud, cause I don’t want the people around me to share in my obsession and also my husband tends to have limited patience for those types of things. (MY OCD tendencies post Evan). 

It has also crossed over to my baby. I have a panic attack (super mild now thanks to Wellbutrin) at least once a day that something is wrong with her. If she sleeps to long, I think about SIDS, if she shakes her head funny I think she has ear infections, when she got Roseola I was a nervous wreak. Hubby has actually called me hypochondriac re: my tendencies to dig deeply into every tiny thing that is off with her.

So as you can see. Stillbirth affects way more then the hole in a mothers heart or the heaviness of her empty arms. Years down the road, she may seem to be back to herself, smiling lots and enjoying life again. However, don’t kid yourself, there are broken parts no one else can see, those are the parts that even time is unlikely to fully heal. Those are the parts that may require med’s and/or therapy to thoroughly work through.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 8, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I had a battery of tests done after Serenity’s death too. It’s gotten me to pay attention more to more body and health, hopefully in a good way.

    Might I suggest getting a periodic massage or chiropractic treatment. My insurance covers the chiro, so I go every three weeks. When the insurance year rolls around, I think I will go every other! Really helps with all the breastfeeding postural aches (back, wrists, hips). It also got me through the pregnancy in the first place!

  2. I can barely begin to imagine what you go through. I have never been through something of the magnitude that you have, and yet *I* am a major hypochondriac, and worry nonstop about my daughter and the one on the way. I mean, I really really worry, like, it’s not normal. So I can only imagine that you must go through so much more. I’m sorry. 😦

  3. “Stillbirth affect way more the hole in mothers heart or the heaviness of her empty arms. Years down the road, she may seem to be back to herself, smiling lots and enjoying life again. However, don’t kid yourself, there are broken parts no one else can see, those are the parts that even time is unlikely to fully heal. Those are the parts that may require med’s and/or therapy to thoroughly work through.”

    I really love the way you worded that. It’s so true. I am terrified of everything during this pregnancy and know that I won’t exactly start calming down once the baby is home safe.

    With a stillbirth and a special needs preemie under my belt, I have absolutely no experience with healthy babies and I’m sure that I’ll be hyper anxious with this new little one. And it’s not like that will ever truly go away, either. Jonas turns eleven on Friday and I still worry like mad whenever he gets a cold or goes out to play. He’s been hospitalized for pneumonia even after he graduated from true special needs, due to his lungs being compromised by his prematurity. I think it’s not only normal but justified that we are even more worried than your average panicked Mom. It’s just gonna happen.

    But I don’t dismiss any concerns you might have about being true OCD / PTSD that might be affecting your ability to make rational judgments about your daughter’s care. Everything I’ve read in your LJ has seemed pretty darn benign and, heaven forbid, NORMAL under the circumstances but I know full well that there are like a million more moments that you don’t write about than there are moments you do. None of us should have our actual state of mind judged solely by our LJ entries. 😛 I am glad that you’re talking this frankly about it, though. I hope that it helps, letting these thoughts out so that they’re not secret and shameful on top of being difficult to manage. Anyway, I selfishly hope that you keep talking about this here, because your posts resonate with me, and I hope that come March I will have even more reason to look to the path that you’re blazing as a source of inspiration and camaraderie.

    Take care. Thinking of you all. xoxox

  4. I am always always worried that my
    Kids have some crazy terminal illness or will die everytime they are sick too. It’s horrible. I don’t rush them to the drs with a runny nose but the thought is always there that something is wrong. It stinks.

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