The question was posted to me recently if I was obsessed with going over the details of Evan’s death and events that led up to it. My answer was simple: HELL YES.
I have gone over it and over it and over it again. It all still continues to haunt me today. The whole thing has turned me inadvertently into a death-a-phobic and borderline Hypochondriac. For those not in the know, Evan’s cause of death was finally determined to be Asphyxiation caused by cord compression. However, before the final coroner’s report came back, the doctors were trying everything they could to find a possible cause of death. This included testing me for everything under the sun. Of all the tests they took, one came back borderline positive for Lupus Anticoagulant. This meant I could be more prone to blood clotting then the average person and apparently, could also be early signs of Lupus.
Since that day, I have become hyper aware of every single ache and pain in my (not as quick to heal and not ache post 2 pregnancies as it once was) body, so every time my wrists throb or my back spasms I become internally convinced it is Lupus related joint pain. I have actually sent myself into a deep spiral of quiet worry induced anxiety many, many times in the past 3 years. It bothers me. I don’t say it out loud, cause I don’t want the people around me to share in my obsession and also my husband tends to have limited patience for those types of things. (MY OCD tendencies post Evan).
It has also crossed over to my baby. I have a panic attack (super mild now thanks to Wellbutrin) at least once a day that something is wrong with her. If she sleeps to long, I think about SIDS, if she shakes her head funny I think she has ear infections, when she got Roseola I was a nervous wreak. Hubby has actually called me hypochondriac re: my tendencies to dig deeply into every tiny thing that is off with her.
So as you can see. Stillbirth affects way more then the hole in a mothers heart or the heaviness of her empty arms. Years down the road, she may seem to be back to herself, smiling lots and enjoying life again. However, don’t kid yourself, there are broken parts no one else can see, those are the parts that even time is unlikely to fully heal. Those are the parts that may require med’s and/or therapy to thoroughly work through.