3 long and short years

3 years ago now I was almost fully dilated but Evan coulden’t get through. He was posterior and his head was caught in my pelvic bones. I knew he was dead already, so there was no rush to get him out, otherwise this would be a stillbirth/C section story. Instead I was given alot of Stadol and let to sleep for several hours hoping Evan would decend on his own. He did not of course so at 8pm I was given a spinal, signed a consent for a possible section and rolled into the OR for an attempt at a mid-heigh forecep delivery. Lucky for me (I think….my pelvis and vagina still beg to differ) he was delivered vaginally that way. I had my huge tear and episiotomy stitched up and was taken into recovery with Dave and Evan.

3 years ago today was the first and last time I lay eyes on my son. I feel like it was a million years ago because his image slowly leaves my memory. I almost can’t remember his exact features. I almost feel like he wasent real, like I imagined the 42 weeks we had together. On another hand I feel like it was yesterday I folded his little clothes and washed his little diapers, eager to meet my little boy. The pain the burns through me when I remember his birth also feels as fresh as it did 3 years ago. At least it does today, most other days I have somehow managed to incorporate it into my reality. I have been blessed with his sister this year to help make Christmas just that much more bearable and am eternally greatful for that. She sleeps at my breast as I type this even.

Christmas will always be bittersweet for us, my husband and I, as we laugh watching our sweet nearly 1 year old decimate the tree and gifts while staring glazed eyed at the 2007 Babies First Christmas ornament my mother had bought Evan for what would have been his first Christmas.

Yes my life is a ying yang indeed.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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About mommamaynard

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on December 24, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Love and hugs friend…..<3

  2. three years… I can’t remember Serenity’s features as well either. I guess as the pain fades so do other things.

    take care

  3. *wipes tears*

    I wish I could say more. You and Evan are in my thoughts and in my heart.

  4. You and Dave are always in my thoughts this time of year.
    *hugs*

  5. thinking of you all today.

  6. 😦 I feel a lot this way too. I have been thinking of you and Evan today. I hope your baby girl
    has brought some peace to your Christmas this year.

  7. 😦 My thoughts are with you and your family.

  8. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you today as you remember Evan and cuddle Evangeline.

  9. Angelversaries are so bittersweet, and I’m thinking of you today. I hope this Christmas creates new, more joyful memories for you with Evangeline.

  10. Thinking of you all today.

  11. I so clearly remember reading about Evan’s death, 3 years ago. My heart bled for you then, and it still does now. I sit here with tears in my eyes, remembering your pain.

    *love and hugs* You are so strong, Jaime. I wish you hadn’t had to be, but you are.

  12. Evan will always be in your heart no matter if you remember every feature.

    I am very happy you have a new joy in your life to help off-set your loss. ((hugs))

  13. ***hugs*** thats just about all that I can say.

  14. I’m thinking of you guys today ❤ We'll be lighting a candle for Evan like we have in the past, with a special thank you to the universe for Evangeline's healing presence this year.

    Love you all very much. Wish you peace and warmth tonight, mama ❤

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