3 long and short years
3 years ago now I was almost fully dilated but Evan coulden’t get through. He was posterior and his head was caught in my pelvic bones. I knew he was dead already, so there was no rush to get him out, otherwise this would be a stillbirth/C section story. Instead I was given alot of Stadol and let to sleep for several hours hoping Evan would decend on his own. He did not of course so at 8pm I was given a spinal, signed a consent for a possible section and rolled into the OR for an attempt at a mid-heigh forecep delivery. Lucky for me (I think….my pelvis and vagina still beg to differ) he was delivered vaginally that way. I had my huge tear and episiotomy stitched up and was taken into recovery with Dave and Evan.
3 years ago today was the first and last time I lay eyes on my son. I feel like it was a million years ago because his image slowly leaves my memory. I almost can’t remember his exact features. I almost feel like he wasent real, like I imagined the 42 weeks we had together. On another hand I feel like it was yesterday I folded his little clothes and washed his little diapers, eager to meet my little boy. The pain the burns through me when I remember his birth also feels as fresh as it did 3 years ago. At least it does today, most other days I have somehow managed to incorporate it into my reality. I have been blessed with his sister this year to help make Christmas just that much more bearable and am eternally greatful for that. She sleeps at my breast as I type this even.
Christmas will always be bittersweet for us, my husband and I, as we laugh watching our sweet nearly 1 year old decimate the tree and gifts while staring glazed eyed at the 2007 Babies First Christmas ornament my mother had bought Evan for what would have been his first Christmas.
Yes my life is a ying yang indeed.
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