More dead baby triggers

Watching Boardwalk Empire with hubby, when Steve Bushimi breaks down and  tells his sons story: 

He tells that almost eight years ago he’d just become City Treasurer. His wife had their child and they named him Enoch after him ("she wanted it"). The baby was tiny and he was afraid to hold him, for fear of breaking him. A week later, Nucky was busy and came home to find Mabel in the nursery rocking him in her arms. He said she looked so calm and contented, it gave him the courage to finally want to hold him. He pulled back the blanket and looked at his face. After a long pause, he says he could tell the baby had been dead for a week. She’d been caring for him as usual, changing his diapers and clothing. Nucky held the dead child, the only time he ever did. He said Mabel couldn’t handle it. She’d broken with reality. He was "very, very busy" and a few weeks later, Mabel slashed her wrists with his razor.

My throat twitched and my eyes filed up with tears. It’s sad that I fully and completely understand how that women was feeling, and I don’t think she was crazy at all. I wish had spent more time with Evan, I wish I had held him, rocked him. kissed him. I regret my choices and I completely understand this mothers pain. If it had not been for Dave needing me, loving me, I really think I could have easily chosen death over life in those early days.

The pain of a child loss mother with empty arms is worse then any pain, anyone could ever know. It’s truly a miracle that those of us that come out with semi-intact sanity managed to do so.

About mommamaynard

β€œLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” β€” Albert Einstein. When it feels like your world has been shattered, and you have reached rock bottom, you must make a choice: Stay where you are and fade away, or keep moving forward. Thankfully I chose to move forward and was blessed with the two most wonderful children after the death of my first in early labor. Things are looking up.

Posted on April 24, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. This is heartbreaking – I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that sort of loss.
    I couldn’t let this post go by without a comment… (So glad you have little E now)

  2. It really is. To pretend to be this normal well rounded individual is amazing. Even if it’s pretending at this point.

  3. My heart is with you and all the women that have gone through such hardship. You’ve endured so much and I’m so proud of you for being resilient in the face of a lot of pain. *bighugs*

  4. I remember those early weeks way to well, they scare me. The darkness and hopelessness. I remember thinking desperately I just need a baby, maybe someone will give us one, maybe we can adopt…We even thought about leaving the nursery intact thinking illogically that we could adopt quickly, I remember Dave and I discussing this in the delivery room while I was in labor with Evan. How truly horrible stillbirth is.

  5. i know. anytime i see a crime drama and it’s about a crazy ass woman who steals/kills/does something bad because her own baby died, i get it. i never went to that place, but easily i could have, I think, any of us can, and are damn lucky we somehow don’t (religion, spouse, support system, i dunno) but i cry during every episode like that because i so fully comprehend the mother’s anguish, grief, loss, and desire for a baby 😦

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